Author Archive

GirlieView (09/05/2013)

Thursday, September 5th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • There appears to be one thing the old-school and advanced metrics agree on: Starlin Castro sucks at defense.
  • I am actually for the DL (Designated Liver) since I don’t want my pitchers living their lives. I only want them pitching. That’s what I pay them for. Walking around outside or driving a car or even taking a leak may be too dangerous. I propose the use of the DL because it provides broader coverage than just the DH.
  • when I worked for Anheuser-Busch, I had a designated liver. Carried it around after all the big drinking nights in a briefcase with a Budweiser logo.
  • “How Do You Google That”
  • Your beard looks stupid.
  • Shut your triangle-hole.
  • You do realize that you ALSO have a triangle hole, right?
  • I’m pretty confident that’s supposedly a stupid beard on jswan’s face too.
  • To the untrained eye, that indeed may appear to be a beard on my face. I commissioned my portrait to have a 5-o’clock shadow, which was realized via the spray paint can in MSPaint. Next level shit.
  • Let’s just say that telling your wife that you beat the Johnsons on Lizzie’s Girlie View is a mistake you will only make once.
  • Why stop at the pitcher? Why not expand roster to 36 so we can have 12 guys who can only hit, 12 who can only pitch, and 12 who can only field? Each team would consist solely of designated hitter, designated fielders, and designated pitchers.
  • I take it we have just stopped acknowledging the fact that there are Cub games currently being played.
  • I figure the 40 man should be down to about 6 soon after the season ends.
  • Or maybe Dale ran out of his Kashi Go Lean and missed breakfast on getaway day.
  • I’ve made it a habit to NOT check out the ball boys.
  • Lance was looking at a rack in the 3rd row when the pitch was thrown…he guessed wrong.
  • crappy official scoring can result in aging eye care practitioners having delusions of hitting .833 at fat camp.
  • Don’t be bitter just because you hit .083/.083/.083 against sally arm pitching and crippled defense. You have to put the ball in play to take advantage of crappy defense or crappy official scoring, K’s are very rarely mis scored as hits.
  • Pretty sure the Jugs machine would prefer the handle “Juggsy” over “sally arm.”

Lizard

  • The first time I got a Lizzie I was so excited that I ran to the other room to tell my wife (she didn’t care) but in the process I ran out of breath. I thought, “I am too young to become short of breath this quick” so I have started exercising regularly. The moral of this story is that Lizzies save lives. True story.

Shout Outs

We had no new Lizzie contributors this time around but we’re so grateful for our regular commenters who keep this site flowing with good conversation and hearty laughter. Shout outs all around.

MVL

Congratulations our three Most Valuable Lizzie’ers this week! Bryan, Jedi and jswanson tied for the most contributions!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3.  Jedi Johnson
4. Eddie von White
5. Doc Raker
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Doug S.
10. Jeremiah Johnson

Chit Chat

What’s your current Cubs involvement?
a. I still watch or listen to every game I can.
b. I watch/listen occasionally when I have nothing better to do.
c. I watch/listen when I have nothing better to do but I always have something better to do.
d. There are still Cubs games going on?

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GirlieView (08/22/2013)

Thursday, August 22nd, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • they believe they are bigger than life itself and that rules are for someone else.
  • This could be the biggest VFTB scandal we have seen since the Homza/Muscat incident. Now we need to figure out who Resident Raker, Eddy Von Beige, actualword, Mark from Manitoba, and Seymour Muffintops might be.
  • This is largely due to the Cubs not trotting out starting pitchers that just are not good enough to get by the in Majors, are not ready for the Majors, or both, 4 out of 5 games.
  • we’ve been looking for our Johnsons all week.
  • The Cubs should move down to 16U in 2014 to compete. They could take the USSSA World Series for sure!
  • I’m not trying to sound preachy but the insider guy has done some basic deductive reasoning and for the most part hasn’t committed to anything other than speculation. This is not an insider.
  • Just for disclosure purposes, As someone who has had a conversation with Theo and Dale, in a third base dugout operated by the Cubs, I have no inside information what so ever, and they would not recognize my name. Please keep that in mind when absorbing my blather.
  • We’re also going to get a glimpse of what this regime is going to do with a big amount of cash to spend for the first time and that should give us some insight into the timetable they are expecting.
  • Shark has been busy working his porn career, that can take a lot out of your legs.
  • The DH is an abomination that strips most strategy from the game.
  • let’s put it on a tee so that we don’t lose any players to a HBP for months.
  • would be nullified by the new appearance of injuries from tripping over the tee on the way to first.
  • So let’s have the pitcher stand opposite the hitter and soft toss the pitches in there – that’ll solve the TJ surgery epidemic too.
  • But it would increase the likelyhood of line drives, and we do not want to go into the vagaries of those.
  • Eliminating either the field of play or batted balls would help there, Jerry.
  • Baseball without vagarious line drives isn’t baseball.
  • Wiffle ball is the answer.
  • Rinse and repeat.
  • And not at all in accordance with the fact that the Tigers need another bat (and another bullpen arm).
  • There’s no reward because let’s face it, it’s the third child and ‘hey you’ or ‘stop that’ will probably suffice until he’s 14 anyway
  • I would name him Axel. People don’t mess with kids with names like that.
  • I’m still voting for Abe Froman Johnson.
  • It’s gotta be Harold. Name the kid Harold.
  • How about naming him Alfonso? Just remember though if you do, he won’t be all that productive in April.
  • I really don’t think you can top Max Johnson. That is the manliest name I’ve ever heard.
  • It has porn star written all over it.
  • All over what?
  • That’s my two-year-old you’re talking about!
  • Josh Johnson has a nice ring to it.
  • My wife and I named our son Colvin (after former Cub not-so-great Tyler Colvin) and he responded by taking a shard of bat in the chest so I am monitoring my son’s heart health closely.
  • Hugh G Johnson. It will intimidate other boys and provide that self esteem boost most kids now a days seem to require.
  • Since you haven’t really shut down the idea of Hugh, let’s kick the tires on Jazz as a middle name. Hugh Jazz Johnson. Sounds pretty legit.
  • Peter. Redundant.
  • How about Major, Major Johnson!
  • How about Reed? Reed Johnson.
  • I hear he play hard.
  • We could go with Reed Major Johnson, but that would condem the kid to playing a woodwind instrument.
  • Waveland Johnson sounds nice.
  • Dumping Carlos Marmol and Shawn Camp at the end of June were major steps in the right direction
  • Why do they still use corded phones hanging on the wall to call the bullpen? Nobody has those anymore.
  • The fax machine is on the fritz.
  • It is probably more difficult to hack a land line than a wireless signal.
  • Yeah, I suppose you wouldn’t want anyone to read your lips when you tell the lefty to start warming up. Keep the suspension up until the camera actually shows him get up.
  • Shhhhhhhhhh!
  • How is this news? So if a pitcher keeps opposing runners off base, and keeps them from hammering extra base hits and home runs, he’s effective. Got it.
  • Greetings from Cooperstown All Star Village.
  • You know what will affect winning? Regularly embarrassing your young talent at every chance.
  • I’m of the opinion that a fair amount of Cubs fans just need a team pariah.
  • I’d love to see Cub fans stop eating their young.
  • The only way those guys can talk 24/7 is to invent controversies
  • Baseball either needs to start paying Minor League umpires a good enough salary to attract solid talent or just switch to an all computers, video, and man in the booth umpiring format.
  • Most of us are not professional athletes, but most of us are a professionals of some sort that work as part of a “team” (however you want to define it), and we all know, anecdotally, that one’s work environment can affect your job performance and morale. So, I think there is probably something to “chemistry,” even if it can’t be quantified – but the question is, how much does it actually affect the bottom line of wins and losses?
  • If a team were better on the field, they’d probably have better chemistry, and that’s probably the most important interaction between the two concepts.
  • I believe “chemistry”, as it applies to sports, is only a negative force. Great team chemistry won’t really help you win more games because talent will win out in the end as long as it is not mismanaged. However, a toxic clubhouse will suppress winning because negative attitudes will tend to produce negative results in subtle ways.
  • you are not allowed to use the word “grit” in an article without also using the word “moxie.”
  • Wow, that’s a surgeon’s butt in the photo. Who knew?
  • I thought everyone did, actually.
  • While we are clearing things up, I don’t actually manage an Orange Julius. I am a shift leader at the Orange Julius, which is more or less an assistant manager position.
  • Assistant to the manager position.
  • Same thing.

Lizard

  • Nothing lends itself more to credibility than a handle of Assman2

Shout Outs

We had no new Lizzie contributors this time around but we’re so grateful for our regular commenters who keep this site flowing with good conversation and hearty laughter. Shout outs all around.

MVL

Congratulations to Jedi Johnson, who returned to the US and to VFTB with a flourish this week. He’s the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Jedi Johnson
5. Doc Raker
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Doug S.
10. Jeremiah Johnson

Chit Chat

Today’s chit chat comes to us courtesy of one of Chuck’s Lizzies (thanks Chuck!) … and I quote: “The DH is an abomination that strips most strategy from the game.” I completely agree. Here’s your chance to make your case. How do you feel about it?

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GirlieView (08/08/2013)

Thursday, August 8th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Ervin Santana, of the Royals, is now following me on Twitter. I’m not sure why, but I’m not gonna complain.
  • On an unrelated note, KC Royal Ervin Santana tweeted that he had no idea how to work this damn new phone thing.
  • Watching the Dodgers/Jays while waiting for the Cubs game. Marmol came in. 4 hits, 3 runs (1 HR), a walk and a wild pitch. It was beautiful.
  • And yet somehow the Jays still managed to blow that game and get Marmol off the hook. If only the Cubs were as fortunate when Marmol was crapping the bed for us.
  • if you didn’t say anything to your kids and just stood there blankly staring at them with an unshaven face spitting tobacco juice every now and then, I’d say you need to get riled up a bit.
  • That or grow a better beard.
  • she cries every night that she did not throw you in the quarry in a pillowcase as an infant.
  • I’m against giving Jeff Samardzija # 1 or even # 2 starter money when it comes to contract time.
  • If we use just this season as our sample, [we have what] I’d equate to a footlong with ranch dressing amount of position player injuries, but only a few bites from a 6″ with no ranch worth of pitcher injuries.
  • And where do the white chocolate raspberry cookies come in?
  • On the bench, next to the Gatorade.
  • We should name it the Slammed Door Law, if you fail to walk through an obviously wide open opportunity that door will slam shut on you quickly with disastrous results. The Cubs have walked into the Slammed Door too many times to list.
  • Apparently Shark used to play college football at Notre Dame.
  • You have caused me to do some internal soul searching as to why I am skeptical of Smardjgdrwtc. Is it his pitching that upsets me or his ugliness?
  • I don’t like my pitchers pretty. I like them frightening small children during charity visits and having butch girlfriends. But to each his own.
  • Oops. My bad. I forgot you don’t get sarcasm.
  • It’s not that he doesn’t get sarcasm, he just has no use for it.
  • He is just a few Bazinggas short of being Sheldon
  • Read the post again. She did it again the next day. It was the only way she would learn.
  • You are missing the point…the neighbors…it was about the neighbors.
  • Dick move. Being nice to your mom is grown man 101.
  • There will come a time when you are your parents. What goes around will come around.
  • When the wife’s back is turned, I am watching the wife’s backside.
  • A Scuba trip to the Caribbean in late October. I figured I would not miss any important games then.
  • You won’t.
  • No important games until 2014 at the earliest.
  • You may want to steer clear of the mayo at the Cozumel Subway.
  • As long as it is not moving, it’s ok.
  • On a prior trip to Cozumel Big Z threw his no-no whilst I was gone. I’m hoping the internet access improved in the interim.
  • Well, we know Big Z hasn’t.
  • It’s nice to have Sherm back.
  • The only thing relevant about the Cubs at this time of year is which of their players can help a contender.
  • I’m kind of sad to see him go, but it’s for the best. I was just yelling at my mom about not understanding that last night. I fear I may have to do so again tonight.
  • We’ve tried to keep our relationship on the down low so as to not upset my unhealthy obsession with Carlos Villanueva’s facial hair.
  • I decided to pull a Mark_from_Toronto and go to bed at the end of the 8th inning full of optimism. I slept well and my day wasn’t ruined until I got up.
  • Unfortunately I wasn’t able to to do the same for the afternoon game as it’s not really appropriate to go to sleep while driving home from work.
  • It is similar to how we say nice things about somebody after they pass on
  • I was following the trade rumors today, hoping to see Ronnie Woo-Woo shipped for a pitching prospect. Maybe Ronnie and the visor gal for Stanton…
  • it’s too bad we couldn’t unload him at the deadline, even a sack of used baseballs might have been worth it.
  • Can Olt really be recalled to the Cubs from Iowa if he’s never been there before? Wouldn’t it just be called?
  • Google
  • Bruce is Hector’s aunt.
  • Anyone else notice our Johnsons have gone missing?
  • I’m sure you’ve read about this from the 349382749837 sources covering the story today.
  • these players knowingly did something they knew was wrong and hoped to get away with it.
  • I see this as a failure of baseball: the sport turned a blind eye to the issue for years, and now this “harsh justice” seems disingenuous.
  • I’m looking forward to the day when the most reported baseball stories are positive – it seems like we’re a long way from that point, though.

Lizard

  • I’m honored that so many of you have adopted my game watching strategy.

Shout Outs

Many thanks to Chris and Sean_in_Blue who logged their first Lizzies of 2013. We’re happy to have you here!

MVL

Congratulations to Seymour Butts, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around! Imagine that!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
5. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Doug S.
8. Jeremiah Johnson
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Buddy
10. cap’n obvious
10. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat

If you could play professional baseball (and play it well!) what position would you like to play?

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GirlieView (07/25/2013)

Thursday, July 25th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Either Jed Hoyer was using a bit of misdirection (also called lying through his teeth), or things moved a lot faster than he thought they would
  • Once upon a time, an American education thru high school meant you had some pool of knowledge. The pool is now very shallow.
  • It is one of the few shows on TV (comedy division) that actually celebrates being smart versus being dumb
  • A number of hotels will have free toiletries available at the front desk for travelers who forget to pack a razor or tooth brush. If one is staying with relatives, you could call ahead to make sure the local Kwikie mart is fully stocked.
  • Who says pandering doesn’t pay off. My greatest letdown after reading the Lizzies….I have to wait 14 days for another.
  • I am becoming increasingly optimistic that the Cubs are turning this ship around.
  • You did say “ship” right?
  • This is not a horrible season. For me, it’s filled with promise and hope
  • On the ledge (to the tune of “Turn the Page”)*
    On a long and lonesome highway
    East of anywhere
    You can listen to the talkshows
    Moanin’ out their same ol’ song -
    You can think about the error
    Or the strikeouts from the night before…
    But your thoughts will soon be wandering
    The way they always do
    When you’re losin’ lots of ballgames
    And there’s nothin’ you can do
    And you don’t feel much like watchin’,
    You just wish the year was through…
    Here I am
    Cubbie Fan again
    There I am
    hand in the fridge
    Here I go
    Missin’ work again
    There I go
    out on the ledge…
    Well you trudge into a sports bar,
    Can’t win at home or on the road,
    And you feel the eyes upon you
    Smirkin’ at the cap,
    You pretend it doesn’t bother you
    But that’s a load of crap…
    Most times you can’t hear ‘em talk,
    Other times you can
    All the same old cliches,
    “Is he that stuipid, man?”
    And you always seem outnumbered,
    You don’t dare make a stand
    (your only consolation, man, is you’re no White Sox fan)
    Here I am
    Cubbie Fan again
    There I am
    hand in the fridge
    Here I go
    Missin’ work again
    There I go
    out on the ledge…
    Out there in the bleachers
    You’re a million miles away
    Every ounce of energy
    You try to give away
    As the sweat pours out your body
    it’s those beers you had today…
    Later in the evening
    As you lie awake in bed
    With the memories of walks and balks
    Ringin’ in your head
    You play the day’s last bat,
    over in your head…
    Here we are
    pitchers’ count, we see
    Here we go
    Ain’t it a shame
    Here we go
    Called strike three…again
    There we go
    Blame Dale Sveum…
    Here we are
    thrown out again
    Here we go
    Ain’t it a shame,
    Won’t be long now
    Shutout again
    There they go
    Losing the game…
    There they go
    There they go…………
    *with tremendous apologies to Bob Seger
  • some part of me said that I should not be banking with a division rival.
  • Seymour’s novelty Cards chest retractor is a hoot in the cardio wing.
  • some of us can’t spend all day on the internet.
  • you can wed yer kin.
  • Vagaries are real sons of bitches.
  • Luck is being the Oakland news anchor with the day off when the gag of the century gets pulled off with amazing efficiency.
  • I mentioned the wooden clogs didn’t fit his persona very well. He gave me a dirty look. I was eating a hot dog so I guess you can say we had a post game meal together.
  • Uh oh. The old Kevin Gregg is back.
  • I am beginning to believe his baseball IQ is that of a Meatball Sub with ranch dressing.
  • I think you’re being a little generous. Rizzo has to work his way up to the ranch dressing.
  • The first time something like that happens, shame on the player. When it keeps happening, shame on the manager. Where is the discipline this team so sorely lacks?
  • What I don’t understand is why the All Star break has to last until Friday. Do we really need 2 days after the actual All Star game before everyone is back with their teams and ready to go.
  • When dealing for prospects you always go for the best player you can get regardless of position. Players get hurt. Players start to unexpectedly suck. Players demand trades or leave as a free agent. You can always shuffle players around in the field or trade them later for what you need. You can never have too many top prospects.
  • I read somewhere that Shark played football in college.
  • To combat this epidemic, the Cubs should only draft players who didn’t pitch before they turned 18.
  • The big slow curve is Rakers out pitch, and his set up pitch and every pitch in between. Nine innings of slow curve balls, OK, I threw 4 ‘fastballs’ but no one could tell.
  • I could just see a GM thumbing through his twitter feed now, “HaHaHa, Matt Garza for Mike Olt…wasn’t even a thought!”
  • Chetter Chatter?
  • I see your Chetter Chatter and raise you a Chet Cetera.
  • Is it a relative of Chicago tenor, Peter? People would undoubtedly inquire.
  • Greg? Well shit…I’ve spent twenty some years emulating Mike Maddox.
  • Think of the amount the Cubs could have gotten in a trade for Brett Jackson at the beginning of 2012 compared to the beginning of 2013.
  • “Since I’ve been here, that’s the first kid that’s come up and looked like a major leaguer, aggressive, aggressive on the bases…He did a great job and swung the bat really nice.” said Swammy as Dave Sappelt, Luis Valbuena and Brian Bugusevic wimper in the corner.
  • I’m not sure if Carlos Villanueva would be better equipped to be a productive member of the starting rotation by growing the handle bar mustache back, but it does seem like he’s lost his super powers since he shaved.
  • Last year I rode Luis Valbuena pretty hard. I apologize now for those comments.
  • DeMan says something insightful into the pitcher hitter matchup and there is an awkward silence, followed by………………Pearl Jam is in a rain delay at Wrigley Field tonight.
  • It’s not about the money you idiots, don’t you listen to these guys after they sign there megamillion contracts.
  • He will also be able to pick a good school system for his kids,
  • I love the deal.
  • Rangers overpay for Garza. Cubs win in AZ, Lake big night, Deal expected with Soriano and Yanks, Braun exposed again and suspended, Damn good sports day!!

Lizard

  • I don’t think there’s anything entertaining about the guys who cheat being rewarded the most.

Shout Outs

  • Many thanks to Ann Landers who logged her first Lizzie of 2013 this time around! Imagine that!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker and jswanson, co-Most Valuable Lizzie’ers this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – on account of the fact that this post isn’t quite long enough as it is, I’ll list the full standings this time around.

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Doc Raker
4. Eddie von White
4. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jeremiah Johnson
9. Doug S.
10. Buddy
11. Jerry in Wisconsin
12. Noah Eisner
13. cap’n obvious
14. Katie
15. Gymjok
15. Josh Cornwall
17. Chet
17. LVCubFan
19. Bryan
19. Norm
19. Verncrowe5
22. Darlin_Starlin
22. Tom C
24. CAPS
24. Dusty Baylor
24. Sean Powell
27. Bones
27. Mark_from_Toronto
29. Holden Clark
29. Sherm
29. wisconsinjpc
32. Michael Jimenez
33. Aaron
33. Allan
33. Ann Landers
33. Dave
33. Dous Entendre
33. Drew Peterson
33. Hugh Hefner
33. Jim Hickman
33. Josephine
33. Josh H
33. Just Curious
33. mrbaseball2usa
33. Rick Beato
33. Rocco Kavana
33. Scott E. Entsminger
33. Still Curious
33. The Whole Damn Show
33. Troy Maskell

Chit Chat

  • What are your plans (baseball-related or otherwise) for the rest of the summer?

 

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GirlieView (07/11/2013)

Thursday, July 11th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Not much that Dale Sveum has touched has turned to gold this season
  • He signed Milton Bradley at all.
  • On THIS? There is no question. Milkit Badly.
  • Holy shit.
  • The Sherm?
  • The triangle mouth is a dead giveaway.
  • Hendry’s hubris on curing Hasbro’s behavioral problems with a 3 year $30M contract was laughable from the get go.
  • I think it’s more to do with the .201/.319/.417 triple slash line that he’s sporting in AAA than Sveum
  • Value:  A bottle of generic aspirin
  • About this time my cable thankfully cut out
  • winning breeds winning
  • The Cubs management has a plan. Granted it is a painful plan, but it would be far worse to half-ass it at this point.
  • Turns that my face was covered by the “C” logo on the score line for most of the time.
  • You are like Norm’s wife, never to be seen, or like Rhoda’s doorman or Tool time’s neighbor, good thing the broadcast team knows you have a face for radio.
  • So Marmol is about to become a Dodger? That should solve their problems!
  • I’m on the edge of my seat here. Will we get a bucket of balls in return? Two buckets of balls? Exciting times, my friends.
  • Some old gals likely suffered retinal damage from Richard Simmons’ sequins in the 80′s version of Insanity. Do the people who tell you what exercises to do still wear sequined tank tops?
  • I’m not yet used to the taste of victory.
  • SHERM! Please write us a song about this awesome 2013 team….
  • It is a great time to be a Cub fan.
  • I hear the White Sox are looking for people to root for them.
  • Milton Bradley has been sentenced to more than three years in jail. Good for him. Have fun in there. You’ll fit right in since most people in jail blame others for their problems.
  • Heck, you could make a good case Tim Tebow should be there.
  • it’s virtually impossible to imagine a scenario in which he’s totally innocent.
  • I considered the the actual players as “my junk for your junk”.
  • this offense wouldn’t strike fear into the heart of a batting tee
  • I don’t know. This offense would miss the ball on the tee a lot and hit the tee. They do swing hard. It could hurt the tee.
  • The positive from the game was that no one got injured so everyone is still tradable.
  • A post-game red, white and blue snow cone is hard to beat.
  • I can’t tell if it’s blind Samardzija love or just a blatant disregard for what Wood has accomplished.
  • He respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.
  • This is weird. I actually don’t dislike Soriano lately.
  • DFA’d Camp!
  • That made my Camping day!
  • If nothing else, call Jim Hendry.

Lizard

  • What Gregg is doing has far greater ramifications than just the trade potential. It is now exceedingly difficult to curse on this website.

Shout Outs

Many thanks to these commenters who logged their first Lizzies of 2013 this time around.

  • Michael Jimenez
  • Scott E. Entsminger (RIP)
  • Sherm

MVL

Congratulations to Seymour Butts, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
4. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jeremiah Johnson
9. Buddy
10. Doug S.

Chit Chat

A Lizzie from this week: “It is a great time to be a Cubs fan.” (Thanks Bones!) I heartily agree, but I know there are many who think this season is horrible for the team and the fans. Where do you stand?

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GirlieView (06/27/2013)

Thursday, June 27th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • My wife says I am the king of stupid movie knowledge.
  • I can’t print what my wife says about me.
  • I don’t have a lot to say that would be worthwhile about this game or this team right now.
  • Wake me if Theo makes a move in December.
  • Would you like Chuck to gently stroke your beard to wake you?
  • I am available.
  • I lost out on a $650mil when my last lotto ticket had the wrong numbers printed on it.
  • That will be followed by a rousing round of mowing the lawn before the Army requests to use my yard to simulate jungle conditions.
  • First to arrive gets 1 free signed Cap Obvious baseball. second prize is 2 Cap Obvious balls.
  • Second prize for the Missus is also two Cap’n Obvious balls.
  • I like the symmetry
  • I heard one of the sportscasters say he was a wide receiver at Notre Dame.
  • Shaun “I spell my name wrong” Marcum
  • Dave “I-defend-Ian-Stewart-on-Twitter” Sappelt
  • Make sure you keep up with VFTB on your honeymoon, CAPS and jswan musings can be very romantic.
  • What kind of bizzaro world are we living in when the words “Marlon Byrd went yard” are still being uttered?
  • The one where we were upset to not see Kevin Gregg on the bump.
  • And one where Kevin Gregg is on our list of All Star candidates.
  • Also where last year’s representative is battling hams in Asia.
  • Other things Marmol wouldn’t be able to close victoriously: The toilet seat, Child-proof medicine bottles, A war with France
  • why does no one seem to care that he’s got musical notes tattooed on his neck?
  • Is that what is on Yadi’s neck, musical notes? I thought they were Chinese symbols, they are hideous either way.
  • As opposed to all of those tasteful neck tattoos.
  • I still don’t miss Braun.
  • How on earth did you get Sveum’s diary?
  • Spy craft. I watched a lot of Get Smart as a kid.
  • Imagine if football teams had closers.
  • [Barney] has no business that high in the order unless he’s playing in a lineup full of pitchers, and even then I’d have to strongly consider Travis Wood over him.
  • With a project of building my wife’s kitten a cat “castle” awaiting me on the back deck, I felt safe leaving the fate of the game in Wood’s very capable hand.
  • It is clear that Rizzo’s haircut is the reason for breaking out of the slump.
  • Raspberry cheesecake cookies actually pair wonderfully with ranch.
  • …in the trash? …as a digestive? …when trying to pass a kidney stone?

Lizard

  • the team has released disgruntled third baseman Ian Stewart.

MVL

  • Congratulations to Jeremiah Johnson, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
5. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jeremiah Johnson
9. Buddy
10. Doug S.

Chit Chat

By the time the next GirlieView is published, summer will be more than half overwith and we’ll be past the All Star Break. What are a few things you’d like to see the Cubs do during the remainder of the season? “Be done with Ian Stewart” was on the top of my list so I’m a happy gal, and I know many are very happy that Marmol won’t be throwing any more games for us (literally and figuratively.) How about you? What’s on your Cubs to-do list?

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GirlieView (06/13/2013)

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Much better, especially now that we don’t get “yes dear, you’re right, I’m sorry.”
  • Garza should not be talking to the media about this.
  • With Dale Sveum’s first chance to use the DH, he looked up and down the roster and selected Scott Hairston. Scott Hairston?
  • I like the way Smarja pitched, but it was very disturbing having to look at him.
  • Have to agree that the camo lettering wasn’t really distracting, of course that was due to the fact it managed to camo itself on both teams uniforms.
  • I just do not think the Cubs are going to get serious offers for either in July (and potentially no offers for Marmol)
  • Injuries create unanticipated holes and the market for some of the others may take us to unanticipated trading partners. I tried to make that sound like a fortune cookie, How did I do?
  • For added security, do passwords by taping them to the underside of the keyboard.
  • No catcher should be charged with a passed ball when Marmol’s throwing.
  • Until VFTB I did not realize that computers had any other use than porn.
  • What’s porn?
  • Sandwiches on Seymour after he washes his hands!
  • Don’t eat Seymour’s coleslaw, just warnin.
  • isn’t jswan the most valuable Lizzier every Girlieview?
  • Well he is a computer guy. I bet he has a computer program designed to give him all of Lizzie’s favorite quotes and he pulls from that list.
  • My name is Eddie, and I am a Cubs addict.
  • The best thing I found about being a Cub fan is that you will never find more real, diehard fans, who believe in a team.
  • This is much more fun than last year.
  • I can’t wait until gravatar pushes their updates. I’ve commissioned Joe’s cartoonist to Cernak me up a bit.
  • So the book on your head is to help you Cernak up a bit?
  • Cubs hat, Jerry. Fine art of this caliber is sometimes hard to interpret.
  • Len would follow that up with information about the Gin Blossoms upcoming show at Decatur Fest.
  • 5-game win streak, talk of going .500, two days of grand slams back-to-back… I can barely recognize this place.
  • people like to reinforce that fact with boos, curses, and degrading slurs directed at players who stink. If you’re a fan of a team, doing those things to your own players is classless.
  • I feel your nose could be more triangular. Go Cubs.
  • I believe Katie’s nose is just angular, she needs another side for the other 2 angles.
  • He can only play the guys who show up on the roster.
  • the spray paint can on MS Paint is the filet mignon of cartoon facial hair beard-makers.
  • He knows he’s pulling the ham of questionable toxicity out of the fridge and trying to piece together a meal that won’t make him vomit.
  • Zastrynzny is going to make all of us use copy-and-paste a lot
  • Kobe forgot his wallet so Theo pick up the check and kept the receipt saying he would deduct the costs from Bryant’s signing bonus.
  • He took that mouth from Michael Jackson circa ’92. Giant triangles are the way to go.
  • I’m sure the problem is that Castro and Rizzo have decided that hitting isn’t all that fun and they’d rather just suck.
  • Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
  • Marmol has always fallen victim to the vagaries of sliders bounced outside of the zone of strikes.
  • That was all explained in the pilot episode. LaHair’s rich uncle died and left him two season tickets behind home at the Ham Fighter’s park. He switched Murton’s ticket to Iowa with a ticket to Japan…classic Brian. That is also where the whole “Iowa has surprisingly good sushi” running joke came from.
  • It is way past time the MLB did a study on why red-heads are discriminated against in baseball.
  • How is Ian Stewart doing? I wish he would Tweet something.
  • With Stewart’s track record, If the Cubs let him rot he will eventually tweet again and get suspended again, thus saving the Cubs even more money.
  • The fact that he thinks he’ll be handed a big-league job in another organization is laughable.

Lizard

  • me and the wife just had our 2nd baby girl

Shout Outs

A big shout out to the following contributor who submitted his first 2013 Lizzie this time around. We’re happy to have you here!

  • Holden Clark

MVL

Congratulations to jswanson, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – In honor of Father’s Day I’ll post the full listing!

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
5. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Buddy
9. Doug S.
10. Jerry in Wisconsin
11. Katie
11. Noah Eisner
13. Jeremiah Johnson
14. cap’n obvious
15. Gymjok
16. LVCubFan
17. Chet
17. Josh Cornwall
19. Bryan
19. Norm
19. Verncrowe5
22. Darlin_Starlin
23. CAPS
23. Dusty Baylor
23. Tom C
26. Mark_from_Toronto
26. Sean Powell
26. wisconsinjpc
29. Bones
30. Aaron
30. Allan
30. Dave
30. Dous Entendre
30. Drew Peterson
30. Holden Clark
30. Hugh Hefner
30. Jim Hickman
30. Josephine
30. Josh H
30. Just Curious
30. mrbaseball2usa
30. Rick Beato
30. Rocco Kavana
30. Still Curious
30. The Whole Damn Show
30. Troy Maskell

Chit Chat

As a result, I’m assuming, of my bull running invitation (from last time) I acquired a young Words With Friends suitor who wanted to know “what grade are you in?” I quickly resigned from that game and blocked the user who was certainly young enough to be my grandson. Or great-grandson if someone got an early start. This weekend is Father’s Day. What are your plans, oh fathers and fathers-to-be and non-fathers?

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GirlieView (05/30/2013)

Thursday, May 30th, 2013

I can’t seem to warm up to this team this year and I don’t catch many games. Instead I’m living vicariously through your recaps and commentary in order to keep up to date. Thank you all for that!

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Hire this guy.
  • I have a 50 year-old Mitch Williams closing for the 2014 Cubs. His velocity is definitely down, but his mullet is impressive at a little over three feet long.
  • The Cubs have lurched into second-to-last place.
  • I always love your optimism, Jeremiah.
  • Closest I’ve come to camping was at the Hilton Seattle
  • the underlying work that goes into eating potato salad outside is not worth it.
  • having your little girl grow up to love the Cubs just like you do is the most awesomest thing.
  • You can’t outsmart Lizzie, don’t you know?
  • Jeff Samardzija was a wide receiver at Notre Dame.
  • I had not heard that…where do you get your inside info?
  • pervybigleaguepitcherswhoplayedwidereceiveratnotredame.info
  • if Seymour invites you out to dinner you might want to already have plans and if you do end up at the Subway with him don’t fall for his ‘I forgot my wallet’ bit, he loves pulling that stunt with rookies.
  • Mr Clark, do not wholeheartedly agree with anything the Raker says. He rants and babbles and eats very poorly.
  • we need to all just shut up and let a manager manage his team the way he feels is best. When you get your shot, do it how you want.
  • I’m still evaluating my pitchers solely upon height. Sad to see Volstad go, but Feldman and Shark both stepped up being tall and are pitching quite well.
  • Regardless, the cubs bullpen blows.
  • If we all had the same opinion, you would have to change the title to “BFTB” (Bland From The Bleachers).
  • Everyone wants to be right, some people insist on it, but that doesn’t change that they’re wrong anyway.
  • It’s not a great sign when most of your offense comes from the pitcher two games in a row.
  • Barney needs to start sending me a portion of his game checks. He’s had a huge offensive night 100% of the time when I’ve done the recap.
  • Stewart is a classic ‘Millennial.’ His sense of entitlement is laughable.
  • Marmol, to the others: “OK, so Jackson is the highest paid starter on the team. On the days he pitches, we’ll be awesome. But on the days he doesn’t, we’ll be mediocre at best.”
  • I now understand the title, this was all a ploy to get us talking about cookies to make us happy, instead of talking about the Cubs loss which makes us sad.
  • Crafty one that Cernak kid.
  • and then Jr Raker went yard to deep center for his first walk off bomb of his career.

Lizard

  • The best players are the best because they come in to the game in the tough situations and come through.

Shout Outs

A big shout out to the following contributor who submitted his first (and second!) 2013 Lizzie this time around. We’re happy to have you here!

  • Sean Powell

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
5. Jedi Johnson
5. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Buddy
9. Doug S.
10. Jeremiah Johnson
10. Katie
10. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat*

I don’t know whether to thank or swear at the friend who introduced us to a game called Running with Friends (iPhone or iPad) this week. It’s from the makers of the way-more-popular Words with Friends, but it’s completely different. It has nothing to do with words, but rather with running. And bulls. I’m addicted. My user name is elizababble if you’d like to give it a try and need an opponent.**  How about you? What’s your addiction?

* This has nothing to do with baseball.
** I take no responsibility for your lawn not getting mowed because you’re too busy running bulls!

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GirlieView (05/16/2013)

Thursday, May 16th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Katie should be allowed to use a real picture as her avatar instead of whatever that thing is.
  • Next time you get discouraged by our rebuilding process and the lack of talent, watch a Marlins game and be encouraged.
  • I believe Villanueva’s mustache deserves a Lizzie all by it’s self.
  • I know maybe one person that has ever tuned in to that event.
  • Pull a Buddy and tune in somewhat drunk.
  • You know it’s bad when watching a Fantasy Baseball draft has more appeal…
  • Sappelt must have incriminating photos of Svuem or Theo or both.
  • Kameron Loe has quite the streak going. 9 IP, 9 HRs. I’ll be tuning in just for that excitement
  • Carrying 12 pitchers is ridiculous. It leads to some guy getting burried and forgotten at the end of the bullpen bench and as a result, rusting like the tin man.
  • I fully support Ian Stewart. I wish him a long career as a member of the Iowa Cubs
  • I’d even go as far as to root for them as Ham Fighters. Murton and LaHair could always use some new wacky neighbors…
  • I believe this means I am no longer a Lizard Virgin. I have become a man.
  • I still say Jedi and Norm are the same person.
  • Shit, Buddy is on to me.
  • I would say the team that scores more runs usually wins but if Dusty wants to go with 2 out hits to win so be it.
  • I extend my condolences to whomever has been charged with summarizing the piece of shit game that followed this piece of shit game.
  • I dined at home, but very much alone. Neither of the Swanson girls wanted anything to do with that sandwich.
  • At least the Cubs didn’t call up Rafael Dolis. Um…nevermind.
  • Teams that aren’t winning don’t need to stand pat with the status quo. When things aren’t working, try new things.
  • Who else thought at 9-0 in the 9th, we could lose this?
  • Whenever I start sliding past “scruffy looking” my wife starts giving me the side eye. Since she is the unquestioned dictator of this particular establishment, what she says goes.
  • The problem with those chicks, well beside the very low tooth-to-tattoo ratio, is that they tend to have a neck beards themselves.
  • To me that seems like a highly unusual decision for a guy who ought to be trying to work his way back to the majors.
  • I was merely listening to tonight’s game’s audio feed, but it sounded like Wood was throwing hard.
  • Wood had Wood?
  • Schier Joy
  • Carlos Marmol had another decent (and by decent I mean he didn’t surrender the 1-run lead) outing
  • And by sweet I mean frozen-chocolate-malt-in-a-cup-with-a-little-wooden-spoon sweet.
  • I had a dream last night that Gregg blew a save against the Cards. Closers have infiltrated my dreams. There is no hope.
  • Those are called nightmares.
  • Gregg is arguably our ace. Sleep soundly.
  • Overall, I feel there are four qualities that separate a winning baseball team from one that sits on middle ground or lower: defense, timely hitting, starting pitching and bullpen.
  • Timely Hitting is simply a product of 1) having good hitters, and 2) having players that can get on base. The Cubs lack these.
  • Kevin Gregg continues to be the lone bright spot in the pen. Prepare yourselves for the coming apocalypse.
  • I was in line with Castro at Disneyland and he said he says his most difficult hurdle is his last name. He thinks the constant knee-jerk criticism derives from the fact that his last name is most closely associated with communists and child molesting pervert brothers.
  • Any good mom would allow / encourage punching Pierzynski in the face.
  • Any good mom would punch Pierzynksi in the face herself.
  • Including Mrs. Pierzynski.
  • I’m not saying it’s time to trade Samardzija – but it’s certainly time to stop listing him as an untouchable.
  • To me it seems that Gregg’s pitches have more movement than the last time he pitched for the Cubs. It could also be that I do not want to remember his first stint with us.
  • I’m not a Valbuena guy either…but the .272/.385/.489 he’s put up so far is pretty damn solid.
  • Edwin?
  • This is a typical Cub situtation, the outcome if past experience is repeated is that we will make the best player unhappy, and the remainder will pitch poorly, and eventually be replaced by the unhappy player who will then pitch poorly, because he is not happy.
  • If you had to pick today, [Wood is] the Cubs’ All-Star and it’s not really close.
  • at least I can wear my “WE GOT WOOD” shirt again…
  • You used sporting and Wood in the same sentence.
  • I know that the history between these two franchises is inescapable, and that regardless of who comes out on top, the victory will be all the sweeter because of who they’ve beaten.

Lizard

  • 22 years ago today at 5:23 p.m. my daughter came into this world. Tonight at 5:23 p.m. my daughter and I will be at Wrigley Field prepping for the game. Life is good, even if the Cubs aren’t.

Shout Outs

A big shout out to the following readers who submitted their first 2013 Lizzie this time around. We’re happy to have you here!

  • Dave
  • The Whole Damn Show

MVL

Congratulations to jswanson, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
5. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Buddy
9. Doug S.
9. Jeremiah Johnson
9. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat

I’ve got nothing, so please throw out a topic of your choice for chatting, and see if anyone bites!

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