Author Archive

GirlieView (12/26/2013)

Thursday, December 26th, 2013

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I wrapped up the tallying a bit early this time around (Sunday afternoon) but all your comments after that will count for next time!

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • I love being optimistic, but I’m getting worn out!
  • We all want it to happen now but just like Christmas morning we have to wait.
  • I think a part of it is that not all that many major moves really make sense for the Cubs.
  • I am bored, can we make fun of Seymour, CAPS or Jedi?
  • Just eat grass. It works for cows.
  • Not a physician, but I’d suggest adding reduced-fat-by-boiling-it-out-Ramen to that list.
  • Bogusevic for Justin Ruggiano. He is rumored to have more power than Bogusevic, and confirmed to have an easier name to spell.
  • I know that is unconventional out of the box thinking that will garner laughter and ridicule but some day a manager will do that and be successful and then every team will do it. Mark this post, you heard it here first kids.
  • Why are you not in the front office? Those guys could use some of your (fore)sight.
  • Waiting for an offer……………
  • Can I be your minion?
  • Sure, Seymour too so we have someone to entertain us.
  • I Wada preferred Mark Grace in the booth, at least Grace would never deny there is drinking in the game.
  • So we got Hottovy on the hot stovey but we were frozen out of the winter meetings?
  • Seymour was whining about the $22 he was forced to spend at a restaurant that had waitress service, he just didn’t understand why we couldn’t all go to Quizno’s for $8.95 including chips and a fountain drink.
  • BTW my and the missus Thanksgiving meal? Subway! Who knew they would be open.
  • The one problem for Hendricks has been the major leagues
  • That was my one problem too, which is why I ended up in church league softball.
  • Seems to be a recurring theme for most of the guys that the Cubs promote.
  • It’s that pesky ‘major league’ problem that plaques the Cubs, if we could just compete at the AA level we would having a winning season, at least sometimes.
  • Jim Hendry finally got Brian Roberts.
  • Although, in fairness, Hendry probably would have immediately given Roberts a 6 year extension upon signing him, so at least we dodged that bullet.
  • He likes sushi, summer drives to the beach in convertibles and romance movies, he always brings kleenex to the movie theatre.
  • Sorry, romance movies and kleenex are the deal breakers.
  • We do know that Raker is advocating being in, but just a little bit. Just the tip, as it were.
  • they could replace him with Matt Murton and Bryan LaHair type players. They will fill stadiums.
  • You mean they do that as well as star in sitcoms?

Lizard

  • I think the extent to which Adam Dunn would have been a disaster in right field cannot be overstated.

Shout Outs

  • Congratulations to Bones, Katie, and Rob Willer for winning their first off-season Lizzies this time around.

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker our Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time!

Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Doc Raker
2. jswanson
2. Sean Powell
4. Joe Aiello
5. Noah
6. Eddie von White
6. Seymour Butts
8. cap’n obvious
9. Jedi Johnson
10. Doug S.

Chit Chat

  • What was your favorite Christmas gift? (This year, or ever! You choose!)
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GirlieView (12/12/2013)

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Here’s to Kottaras adding a bunt, bloop, flare, duck snort, cattle fart or texas leaguer to every 10 at bats to make the saber world quiver. OPA!
  • They are pretty reserved when it comes to duck snorts, due to the vagaries of ducks snorts snorted into the field of play.
  • Why does it worry me when I read “I think Cubs fans will realize quickly how good we had it last year”….???
  • Joe, just how large is your closet that you have all of these old scouting reports in them? Is there room for clothing?
  • I only wear a fig leaf.
  • Did I not tell you? I only wear a fig leaf. They take up little to no room in the closet. I went that route as the scouting reports began to pile up.
  • Happy 50th Birthday to Dr. Raker! On the downward slope to 100 now.
  • There is, of course, no fool like an old fool. Don’t forget to pack your Metamucil.
  • It’s riddled with discontentment and complaints over what we have, coupled with excessive whining over what we don’t have.
  • Fans of a team that simply are exhausted.
  • Did Shark steal your girlfriend at some point?
  • Maybe the Cubs should field a Japanese team. Then we would either win their championship or be a failure on two continents.
  • Stop. You had me at “Stick your hands in my sack and pull out a marble.”
  • Preceded by “Close your eyes.”
  • As so long as DB has developed an out-pitch this off-season, I’m fine with this move.
  • Dude is an OF.
  • Anything can happen when the hot stove is cooking with gas, Chuck.

Lizard

  • Close your eyes. Stick your hands in my sack and pull out a marble.

Shout Outs

  • Congratulations to Chuck, Doug S, Jerry in Wisconsin, and Sherm for winning their first off-season Lizzies this time around.

MVL

  • Congratulations to Joe Aiello our Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time!

Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Sean Powell
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
3. Joe Aiello
5. cap’n Obvious
5. Seymour Butts
7. Noah
8. Eddie von White
8. Jedi Johnson
8. Doug S.

Chit Chat

  • I got nothin’. Who wants to suggest a topic?
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GirlieView (11/28/2013)

Thursday, November 28th, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving! I wish for all of you a day full of love, laughter, and lots of good eats!

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • it could signify that the front office sees Wellington Castillo as a long-term piece.
  • “Would you like to make that a combo?” is what Seymour is used to hearing from his waitress.
  • What frustrates me is the fact that people in this fan base get attached to a player for whatever reason and then fail to see when that player hurts the team by being a part of it.
  • I want to consistently root for my team deep into October year in and year out.
  • I am for any move that makes the Cubs better but the greatest game of baseball is such an intricate game the definition there in of ‘better’ is open for debate.
  • A Cub fan goes into every year knowing we aint gonna win! So we latch onto a player(s) to make the season bearable.
  • Of course, if the Cardinals trade for him, he’ll probably never miss a game again.
  • Kirkus Reviews, a leading American book review for more than 80 years, called it an “entertaining, fantastical adventure” and a “well-paced, delightful children’s book with a moral that’s clear without being heavy-handed.”
  • I read the first sentence, “The Cardinals look to remain the class of the NL Central’, and just couldn’t go on.
  • If it makes you feel any better, I had about as much fun writing that sentence as you had reading it.
  • I’m not sure I’m ready for names like “Stryker” yet.
  • Stryker belongs in a rotation with Balfour. A Stryker can only make a Balfour better.
  • Arismendy (my favorite prospect first name) Alcantara

Lizard

  • Not a rumor: MLB will be instituting NFL-style replay challenges next season.

Shout Outs

  • Congratulations to Noah and Tom C for winning their first off-season Lizzies this time around.

MVL

  • Congratulations to Sean Powell our Most Valuable Lizzie’er for the second time in a row!

Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Sean Powell
2. Doc Raker
3. jswanson
4. cap’n obvious
5. Joe Aiello
5. Noah
5. Seymour Butts
8. Eddie von White
8. Jedi Johnson
10. L lips es
10. Tom C

Chit Chat

Slim pickins this week on the Lizzies, so I’d better come up with some chit chat. What are you doing today? Cooking? Eating? Watching football? Making a step-by-step map-based shopping list for Black Friday? All of the above? Say hello and let us know!

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GirlieView (11/14/2013)

Thursday, November 14th, 2013

Welcome to the first off-season GirlieView. As you can imagine we go through some dry spells here at VFTB when there’s not much Cubs news to discuss. And there are other times where we just don’t want to discuss them. So we turn to humor, at times baseball-related, at times not. Here’s a collection of interesting tidbits from the past two weeks.

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • I hope everyone had a great Halloween. I had a dentist appointment yesterday – worlds colliding or worlds aligning?
  • there’s really no one out there worth pursuing anyway, especially for the cost
  • maybe Brad Pitt can coach 3rd base. Imagine Seymour’s excitement bringing new meaning to the definition of fantasy camp when he dines with Brad at the Mesa AZ Subway.
  • I hear he has already started bouncing foot-long and meatball jokes off of the anesthesiologists.
  • The foot-long thing…it’s no joke.
  • at Randy’s camp I swear every time an outfielder had to move more than 2 steps to make a catch he lead off the next inning. For a 68 year old lawyer to move more than 2 steps I would rate that as a 5 in the Craig Wright defensive grading system which is why they have 6 outfielders at fantasy camp.
  • Meters, kg, moles, candelas, Kelvin, seconds, “Craigs”, and amps. That’s all you need.
  • Renteria was never a catcher but did stay at a Holiday Inn Express while interviewing in Chicago.
  • I want to know about his stance on forearm tattoos and if alopecia runs in the family.
  • Moreland is going with the Michael Jordan excuse that he wants to spend more time with his family so expect him to be suiting up for the Birmingham Barons this year and then announce via fax that he’s back.
  • Apparently Cindy Sandberg never got her hands on Rick
  • I don’t think it was her hands that were the problem.
  • Let the barely-tangential, broad-sweeping political comments begin!
  • my money is on Seymour….but it might be Sherm.
  • Not me… I’d have cursed more…and I like to use these little dots a lot..
  • the Captain thought and thought … and then thought some more.
  • Murton is a star both on the Japanese field and Japanese TV, his whacky sitcom with Bryan LaHair is getting rave reviews. There goofy neighbors, Japanese female Lenny and Squigy’s, are always dragging them into trouble.
  • there were 3 or 4 guys on that team better than all of those guys. They went on to be a gas station attendant, a haberdasher, and a teacher.
  • Haberdashery is an underrated line of work.
  • exactly how I feel.
  • Thanks for single handedly making sure I always return to this site…fella.
  • I’m predicting that ‘fella’ becomes the new ‘Gregg.’
  • I’m having a hard time picturing Johnson in a Cubs uniform.
  • Think long about it… the vision will come to you.

Lizard

  • In case you missed it: THE CARDINALS LOST THE WORLD SERIES

Shout Outs

Because I started the counts over for the off-season, it’s everyone’s “first Lizzie” today. Shout outs to everyone: cap’n obvious, Doc Raker, Eddie von White, Jedi Johnson, Joe Aiello, jswanson, L lips es, Sean Powell, and Seymour Butts!

MVL

Congratulations to Sean Powell our Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top 10 of the 2013/2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – actually top nine since that’s all we’ve got so far!

1. Sean Powell
2. jswanson
3. cap’n obvious
3. Doc Raker
5. Seymour Butts
6. Jedi Johnson
7. Eddie von White
7. Joe Aiello
7. L lips es

Chit Chat

I haven’t decided yet whether I’m going to do a chit chat topic each time in the offseason, so chat amongst yourselves about whatever you find interesting today!

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GirlieView (09/19/2013)

Thursday, September 19th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Pat and Keith have Randy Hundley in the booth plugging his fantasy camp…he has yet to mention last season’s top-slugging optometrist.
  • He couldn’t possibly mention all the optometrists at that thing.
  • But he did mention a memorable dinner with Seymour at the Quizno’s in the Mesa View shopping center right next to the Big Lot’s.
  • This just in: The post season will start in October and the Cubs won’t be a part of it.
  • I really think you’re underrating Sappelt. He’s at least a fourth outfielder who can hurl insults at the ladyfolk between pitches.
  • Your football team is the Jets; of course you hang around for baseball’s final pitch.
  • Too true. They’re a tough team to watch or even like right now.
  • As a Bills fan, football doesn’t seem like it will provide me with a more winning product than the Cubs, so I’m still tuning in for the rest of the season.
  • there are positives to watch for each game (please don’t ask me to name any).
  • I passed the NC Bar, first try.
  • I miss your triangle-hole.
  • Raker’s home for soon to be wayward girls.
  • Yea! A game summary!
  • What happened? somebody have a stroke?
  • I’m happy to blame her for a considerable amount of my recent silence here on VFTB.
  • I have a small number of patients who are socially awkward fellows beyond their prime who find at least moderately attractive mates much younger than themselves.
  • Opposed to socially awkward doctors who vacation annually with other socially awkward fellows pretending to be big league baseball players in where they just use their master card or dollar bills to have attractive naked girls rub their bosoms and buttocks onto them.
  • Maybe a common interest in shows about buying dresses will help a relationship, but there are definitely more important things that make people compatible with one another than something like that.
  • I don’t want to burn those ideas now and then be struggling for writing material when there won’t be bad baseball to discuss.
  • Seymour would have gone with the taller blonde Charity at Cheetah’s in Reno.
  • Charity’s mom needs an operation and she is studying for her masters, Seymour is only trying to help her out 1 dollar bill at a time. Very magnanimous of Seymour if you ask the Cheetah ‘students’.
  • A girl’s gotta eat.

Lizard

  • even Job had a limit

Shout Outs

We had no new Lizzie contributors this time around but we’re so grateful for our regular commenters who keep this site flowing with good conversation and hearty laughter. Shout outs all around.

MVL

Congratulations to Seymour Butts our Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Final In-Season 2013 Standings (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – Standings will reset for the off-season.

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Jedi Johnson
4. Eddie von White
5. Doc Raker
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Doug S.
10. Jeremiah Johnson
11. Buddy
11. cap’n obvious
13. Noah Eisner
14. Katie
15. Sean Powell
16. Bryan
16. Gymjok
16. Josh Cornwall
19. Chet
19. LVCubFan
19. Mark_from_Toronto
22. Norm
22. Verncrowe5
24. Darlin_Starlin
24. Sherm
24. Tom C
27. CAPS
27. Dusty Baylor
27. Holden Clark
27. Michael Jimenez
31. Bones
32. wisconsinjpc
33. Aaron
33. Allan
33. Ann Landers
33. Chris
33. Dave
33. Dous Entendre
33. Drew Peterson
33. Hugh Hefner
33. Jim Hickman
33. Josephine
33. Josh H
33. Just Curious
33. mrbaseball2usa
33. Rick Beato
33. Rocco Kavana
33. Scott E. Entsminger
33. Sean_in_Blue
33. Still Curious
33. The Whole Damn Show
33. Troy Maskell

Chit Chat

This is the last GirlieView of the 2013 season. I can’t say that I will miss this season but to me every baseball season is good so I will be looking forward to the next one just as always, whether we have any hope or not. In the meantime we’ve got some administrative details to cover. There will be no GirlieView columns in the month of October. This will give you a chance to enjoy the post season without pressure to be funny or witty. Heh. (Not really the reason, but it sounded good didn’t it?) I will begin tracking posts again on November 1, and will return to my regular every-other-week schedule beginning on November 14. See you then. Meantime, enjoy the post- season! Tell me who you expect in the World Series, and your choice for a winner. By the time I return I’ll know, so I’ll report on how well you all guessed!

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GirlieView (09/05/2013)

Thursday, September 5th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • There appears to be one thing the old-school and advanced metrics agree on: Starlin Castro sucks at defense.
  • I am actually for the DL (Designated Liver) since I don’t want my pitchers living their lives. I only want them pitching. That’s what I pay them for. Walking around outside or driving a car or even taking a leak may be too dangerous. I propose the use of the DL because it provides broader coverage than just the DH.
  • when I worked for Anheuser-Busch, I had a designated liver. Carried it around after all the big drinking nights in a briefcase with a Budweiser logo.
  • “How Do You Google That”
  • Your beard looks stupid.
  • Shut your triangle-hole.
  • You do realize that you ALSO have a triangle hole, right?
  • I’m pretty confident that’s supposedly a stupid beard on jswan’s face too.
  • To the untrained eye, that indeed may appear to be a beard on my face. I commissioned my portrait to have a 5-o’clock shadow, which was realized via the spray paint can in MSPaint. Next level shit.
  • Let’s just say that telling your wife that you beat the Johnsons on Lizzie’s Girlie View is a mistake you will only make once.
  • Why stop at the pitcher? Why not expand roster to 36 so we can have 12 guys who can only hit, 12 who can only pitch, and 12 who can only field? Each team would consist solely of designated hitter, designated fielders, and designated pitchers.
  • I take it we have just stopped acknowledging the fact that there are Cub games currently being played.
  • I figure the 40 man should be down to about 6 soon after the season ends.
  • Or maybe Dale ran out of his Kashi Go Lean and missed breakfast on getaway day.
  • I’ve made it a habit to NOT check out the ball boys.
  • Lance was looking at a rack in the 3rd row when the pitch was thrown…he guessed wrong.
  • crappy official scoring can result in aging eye care practitioners having delusions of hitting .833 at fat camp.
  • Don’t be bitter just because you hit .083/.083/.083 against sally arm pitching and crippled defense. You have to put the ball in play to take advantage of crappy defense or crappy official scoring, K’s are very rarely mis scored as hits.
  • Pretty sure the Jugs machine would prefer the handle “Juggsy” over “sally arm.”

Lizard

  • The first time I got a Lizzie I was so excited that I ran to the other room to tell my wife (she didn’t care) but in the process I ran out of breath. I thought, “I am too young to become short of breath this quick” so I have started exercising regularly. The moral of this story is that Lizzies save lives. True story.

Shout Outs

We had no new Lizzie contributors this time around but we’re so grateful for our regular commenters who keep this site flowing with good conversation and hearty laughter. Shout outs all around.

MVL

Congratulations our three Most Valuable Lizzie’ers this week! Bryan, Jedi and jswanson tied for the most contributions!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3.  Jedi Johnson
4. Eddie von White
5. Doc Raker
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Doug S.
10. Jeremiah Johnson

Chit Chat

What’s your current Cubs involvement?
a. I still watch or listen to every game I can.
b. I watch/listen occasionally when I have nothing better to do.
c. I watch/listen when I have nothing better to do but I always have something better to do.
d. There are still Cubs games going on?

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GirlieView (08/22/2013)

Thursday, August 22nd, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • they believe they are bigger than life itself and that rules are for someone else.
  • This could be the biggest VFTB scandal we have seen since the Homza/Muscat incident. Now we need to figure out who Resident Raker, Eddy Von Beige, actualword, Mark from Manitoba, and Seymour Muffintops might be.
  • This is largely due to the Cubs not trotting out starting pitchers that just are not good enough to get by the in Majors, are not ready for the Majors, or both, 4 out of 5 games.
  • we’ve been looking for our Johnsons all week.
  • The Cubs should move down to 16U in 2014 to compete. They could take the USSSA World Series for sure!
  • I’m not trying to sound preachy but the insider guy has done some basic deductive reasoning and for the most part hasn’t committed to anything other than speculation. This is not an insider.
  • Just for disclosure purposes, As someone who has had a conversation with Theo and Dale, in a third base dugout operated by the Cubs, I have no inside information what so ever, and they would not recognize my name. Please keep that in mind when absorbing my blather.
  • We’re also going to get a glimpse of what this regime is going to do with a big amount of cash to spend for the first time and that should give us some insight into the timetable they are expecting.
  • Shark has been busy working his porn career, that can take a lot out of your legs.
  • The DH is an abomination that strips most strategy from the game.
  • let’s put it on a tee so that we don’t lose any players to a HBP for months.
  • would be nullified by the new appearance of injuries from tripping over the tee on the way to first.
  • So let’s have the pitcher stand opposite the hitter and soft toss the pitches in there – that’ll solve the TJ surgery epidemic too.
  • But it would increase the likelyhood of line drives, and we do not want to go into the vagaries of those.
  • Eliminating either the field of play or batted balls would help there, Jerry.
  • Baseball without vagarious line drives isn’t baseball.
  • Wiffle ball is the answer.
  • Rinse and repeat.
  • And not at all in accordance with the fact that the Tigers need another bat (and another bullpen arm).
  • There’s no reward because let’s face it, it’s the third child and ‘hey you’ or ‘stop that’ will probably suffice until he’s 14 anyway
  • I would name him Axel. People don’t mess with kids with names like that.
  • I’m still voting for Abe Froman Johnson.
  • It’s gotta be Harold. Name the kid Harold.
  • How about naming him Alfonso? Just remember though if you do, he won’t be all that productive in April.
  • I really don’t think you can top Max Johnson. That is the manliest name I’ve ever heard.
  • It has porn star written all over it.
  • All over what?
  • That’s my two-year-old you’re talking about!
  • Josh Johnson has a nice ring to it.
  • My wife and I named our son Colvin (after former Cub not-so-great Tyler Colvin) and he responded by taking a shard of bat in the chest so I am monitoring my son’s heart health closely.
  • Hugh G Johnson. It will intimidate other boys and provide that self esteem boost most kids now a days seem to require.
  • Since you haven’t really shut down the idea of Hugh, let’s kick the tires on Jazz as a middle name. Hugh Jazz Johnson. Sounds pretty legit.
  • Peter. Redundant.
  • How about Major, Major Johnson!
  • How about Reed? Reed Johnson.
  • I hear he play hard.
  • We could go with Reed Major Johnson, but that would condem the kid to playing a woodwind instrument.
  • Waveland Johnson sounds nice.
  • Dumping Carlos Marmol and Shawn Camp at the end of June were major steps in the right direction
  • Why do they still use corded phones hanging on the wall to call the bullpen? Nobody has those anymore.
  • The fax machine is on the fritz.
  • It is probably more difficult to hack a land line than a wireless signal.
  • Yeah, I suppose you wouldn’t want anyone to read your lips when you tell the lefty to start warming up. Keep the suspension up until the camera actually shows him get up.
  • Shhhhhhhhhh!
  • How is this news? So if a pitcher keeps opposing runners off base, and keeps them from hammering extra base hits and home runs, he’s effective. Got it.
  • Greetings from Cooperstown All Star Village.
  • You know what will affect winning? Regularly embarrassing your young talent at every chance.
  • I’m of the opinion that a fair amount of Cubs fans just need a team pariah.
  • I’d love to see Cub fans stop eating their young.
  • The only way those guys can talk 24/7 is to invent controversies
  • Baseball either needs to start paying Minor League umpires a good enough salary to attract solid talent or just switch to an all computers, video, and man in the booth umpiring format.
  • Most of us are not professional athletes, but most of us are a professionals of some sort that work as part of a “team” (however you want to define it), and we all know, anecdotally, that one’s work environment can affect your job performance and morale. So, I think there is probably something to “chemistry,” even if it can’t be quantified – but the question is, how much does it actually affect the bottom line of wins and losses?
  • If a team were better on the field, they’d probably have better chemistry, and that’s probably the most important interaction between the two concepts.
  • I believe “chemistry”, as it applies to sports, is only a negative force. Great team chemistry won’t really help you win more games because talent will win out in the end as long as it is not mismanaged. However, a toxic clubhouse will suppress winning because negative attitudes will tend to produce negative results in subtle ways.
  • you are not allowed to use the word “grit” in an article without also using the word “moxie.”
  • Wow, that’s a surgeon’s butt in the photo. Who knew?
  • I thought everyone did, actually.
  • While we are clearing things up, I don’t actually manage an Orange Julius. I am a shift leader at the Orange Julius, which is more or less an assistant manager position.
  • Assistant to the manager position.
  • Same thing.

Lizard

  • Nothing lends itself more to credibility than a handle of Assman2

Shout Outs

We had no new Lizzie contributors this time around but we’re so grateful for our regular commenters who keep this site flowing with good conversation and hearty laughter. Shout outs all around.

MVL

Congratulations to Jedi Johnson, who returned to the US and to VFTB with a flourish this week. He’s the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Jedi Johnson
5. Doc Raker
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Doug S.
10. Jeremiah Johnson

Chit Chat

Today’s chit chat comes to us courtesy of one of Chuck’s Lizzies (thanks Chuck!) … and I quote: “The DH is an abomination that strips most strategy from the game.” I completely agree. Here’s your chance to make your case. How do you feel about it?

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GirlieView (08/08/2013)

Thursday, August 8th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Ervin Santana, of the Royals, is now following me on Twitter. I’m not sure why, but I’m not gonna complain.
  • On an unrelated note, KC Royal Ervin Santana tweeted that he had no idea how to work this damn new phone thing.
  • Watching the Dodgers/Jays while waiting for the Cubs game. Marmol came in. 4 hits, 3 runs (1 HR), a walk and a wild pitch. It was beautiful.
  • And yet somehow the Jays still managed to blow that game and get Marmol off the hook. If only the Cubs were as fortunate when Marmol was crapping the bed for us.
  • if you didn’t say anything to your kids and just stood there blankly staring at them with an unshaven face spitting tobacco juice every now and then, I’d say you need to get riled up a bit.
  • That or grow a better beard.
  • she cries every night that she did not throw you in the quarry in a pillowcase as an infant.
  • I’m against giving Jeff Samardzija # 1 or even # 2 starter money when it comes to contract time.
  • If we use just this season as our sample, [we have what] I’d equate to a footlong with ranch dressing amount of position player injuries, but only a few bites from a 6″ with no ranch worth of pitcher injuries.
  • And where do the white chocolate raspberry cookies come in?
  • On the bench, next to the Gatorade.
  • We should name it the Slammed Door Law, if you fail to walk through an obviously wide open opportunity that door will slam shut on you quickly with disastrous results. The Cubs have walked into the Slammed Door too many times to list.
  • Apparently Shark used to play college football at Notre Dame.
  • You have caused me to do some internal soul searching as to why I am skeptical of Smardjgdrwtc. Is it his pitching that upsets me or his ugliness?
  • I don’t like my pitchers pretty. I like them frightening small children during charity visits and having butch girlfriends. But to each his own.
  • Oops. My bad. I forgot you don’t get sarcasm.
  • It’s not that he doesn’t get sarcasm, he just has no use for it.
  • He is just a few Bazinggas short of being Sheldon
  • Read the post again. She did it again the next day. It was the only way she would learn.
  • You are missing the point…the neighbors…it was about the neighbors.
  • Dick move. Being nice to your mom is grown man 101.
  • There will come a time when you are your parents. What goes around will come around.
  • When the wife’s back is turned, I am watching the wife’s backside.
  • A Scuba trip to the Caribbean in late October. I figured I would not miss any important games then.
  • You won’t.
  • No important games until 2014 at the earliest.
  • You may want to steer clear of the mayo at the Cozumel Subway.
  • As long as it is not moving, it’s ok.
  • On a prior trip to Cozumel Big Z threw his no-no whilst I was gone. I’m hoping the internet access improved in the interim.
  • Well, we know Big Z hasn’t.
  • It’s nice to have Sherm back.
  • The only thing relevant about the Cubs at this time of year is which of their players can help a contender.
  • I’m kind of sad to see him go, but it’s for the best. I was just yelling at my mom about not understanding that last night. I fear I may have to do so again tonight.
  • We’ve tried to keep our relationship on the down low so as to not upset my unhealthy obsession with Carlos Villanueva’s facial hair.
  • I decided to pull a Mark_from_Toronto and go to bed at the end of the 8th inning full of optimism. I slept well and my day wasn’t ruined until I got up.
  • Unfortunately I wasn’t able to to do the same for the afternoon game as it’s not really appropriate to go to sleep while driving home from work.
  • It is similar to how we say nice things about somebody after they pass on
  • I was following the trade rumors today, hoping to see Ronnie Woo-Woo shipped for a pitching prospect. Maybe Ronnie and the visor gal for Stanton…
  • it’s too bad we couldn’t unload him at the deadline, even a sack of used baseballs might have been worth it.
  • Can Olt really be recalled to the Cubs from Iowa if he’s never been there before? Wouldn’t it just be called?
  • Google
  • Bruce is Hector’s aunt.
  • Anyone else notice our Johnsons have gone missing?
  • I’m sure you’ve read about this from the 349382749837 sources covering the story today.
  • these players knowingly did something they knew was wrong and hoped to get away with it.
  • I see this as a failure of baseball: the sport turned a blind eye to the issue for years, and now this “harsh justice” seems disingenuous.
  • I’m looking forward to the day when the most reported baseball stories are positive – it seems like we’re a long way from that point, though.

Lizard

  • I’m honored that so many of you have adopted my game watching strategy.

Shout Outs

Many thanks to Chris and Sean_in_Blue who logged their first Lizzies of 2013. We’re happy to have you here!

MVL

Congratulations to Seymour Butts, the Most Valuable Lizzie’er this time around! Imagine that!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Eddie von White
4. Doc Raker
5. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Doug S.
8. Jeremiah Johnson
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Buddy
10. cap’n obvious
10. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat

If you could play professional baseball (and play it well!) what position would you like to play?

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GirlieView (07/25/2013)

Thursday, July 25th, 2013

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of 2013 = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Either Jed Hoyer was using a bit of misdirection (also called lying through his teeth), or things moved a lot faster than he thought they would
  • Once upon a time, an American education thru high school meant you had some pool of knowledge. The pool is now very shallow.
  • It is one of the few shows on TV (comedy division) that actually celebrates being smart versus being dumb
  • A number of hotels will have free toiletries available at the front desk for travelers who forget to pack a razor or tooth brush. If one is staying with relatives, you could call ahead to make sure the local Kwikie mart is fully stocked.
  • Who says pandering doesn’t pay off. My greatest letdown after reading the Lizzies….I have to wait 14 days for another.
  • I am becoming increasingly optimistic that the Cubs are turning this ship around.
  • You did say “ship” right?
  • This is not a horrible season. For me, it’s filled with promise and hope
  • On the ledge (to the tune of “Turn the Page”)*
    On a long and lonesome highway
    East of anywhere
    You can listen to the talkshows
    Moanin’ out their same ol’ song -
    You can think about the error
    Or the strikeouts from the night before…
    But your thoughts will soon be wandering
    The way they always do
    When you’re losin’ lots of ballgames
    And there’s nothin’ you can do
    And you don’t feel much like watchin’,
    You just wish the year was through…
    Here I am
    Cubbie Fan again
    There I am
    hand in the fridge
    Here I go
    Missin’ work again
    There I go
    out on the ledge…
    Well you trudge into a sports bar,
    Can’t win at home or on the road,
    And you feel the eyes upon you
    Smirkin’ at the cap,
    You pretend it doesn’t bother you
    But that’s a load of crap…
    Most times you can’t hear ‘em talk,
    Other times you can
    All the same old cliches,
    “Is he that stuipid, man?”
    And you always seem outnumbered,
    You don’t dare make a stand
    (your only consolation, man, is you’re no White Sox fan)
    Here I am
    Cubbie Fan again
    There I am
    hand in the fridge
    Here I go
    Missin’ work again
    There I go
    out on the ledge…
    Out there in the bleachers
    You’re a million miles away
    Every ounce of energy
    You try to give away
    As the sweat pours out your body
    it’s those beers you had today…
    Later in the evening
    As you lie awake in bed
    With the memories of walks and balks
    Ringin’ in your head
    You play the day’s last bat,
    over in your head…
    Here we are
    pitchers’ count, we see
    Here we go
    Ain’t it a shame
    Here we go
    Called strike three…again
    There we go
    Blame Dale Sveum…
    Here we are
    thrown out again
    Here we go
    Ain’t it a shame,
    Won’t be long now
    Shutout again
    There they go
    Losing the game…
    There they go
    There they go…………
    *with tremendous apologies to Bob Seger
  • some part of me said that I should not be banking with a division rival.
  • Seymour’s novelty Cards chest retractor is a hoot in the cardio wing.
  • some of us can’t spend all day on the internet.
  • you can wed yer kin.
  • Vagaries are real sons of bitches.
  • Luck is being the Oakland news anchor with the day off when the gag of the century gets pulled off with amazing efficiency.
  • I mentioned the wooden clogs didn’t fit his persona very well. He gave me a dirty look. I was eating a hot dog so I guess you can say we had a post game meal together.
  • Uh oh. The old Kevin Gregg is back.
  • I am beginning to believe his baseball IQ is that of a Meatball Sub with ranch dressing.
  • I think you’re being a little generous. Rizzo has to work his way up to the ranch dressing.
  • The first time something like that happens, shame on the player. When it keeps happening, shame on the manager. Where is the discipline this team so sorely lacks?
  • What I don’t understand is why the All Star break has to last until Friday. Do we really need 2 days after the actual All Star game before everyone is back with their teams and ready to go.
  • When dealing for prospects you always go for the best player you can get regardless of position. Players get hurt. Players start to unexpectedly suck. Players demand trades or leave as a free agent. You can always shuffle players around in the field or trade them later for what you need. You can never have too many top prospects.
  • I read somewhere that Shark played football in college.
  • To combat this epidemic, the Cubs should only draft players who didn’t pitch before they turned 18.
  • The big slow curve is Rakers out pitch, and his set up pitch and every pitch in between. Nine innings of slow curve balls, OK, I threw 4 ‘fastballs’ but no one could tell.
  • I could just see a GM thumbing through his twitter feed now, “HaHaHa, Matt Garza for Mike Olt…wasn’t even a thought!”
  • Chetter Chatter?
  • I see your Chetter Chatter and raise you a Chet Cetera.
  • Is it a relative of Chicago tenor, Peter? People would undoubtedly inquire.
  • Greg? Well shit…I’ve spent twenty some years emulating Mike Maddox.
  • Think of the amount the Cubs could have gotten in a trade for Brett Jackson at the beginning of 2012 compared to the beginning of 2013.
  • “Since I’ve been here, that’s the first kid that’s come up and looked like a major leaguer, aggressive, aggressive on the bases…He did a great job and swung the bat really nice.” said Swammy as Dave Sappelt, Luis Valbuena and Brian Bugusevic wimper in the corner.
  • I’m not sure if Carlos Villanueva would be better equipped to be a productive member of the starting rotation by growing the handle bar mustache back, but it does seem like he’s lost his super powers since he shaved.
  • Last year I rode Luis Valbuena pretty hard. I apologize now for those comments.
  • DeMan says something insightful into the pitcher hitter matchup and there is an awkward silence, followed by………………Pearl Jam is in a rain delay at Wrigley Field tonight.
  • It’s not about the money you idiots, don’t you listen to these guys after they sign there megamillion contracts.
  • He will also be able to pick a good school system for his kids,
  • I love the deal.
  • Rangers overpay for Garza. Cubs win in AZ, Lake big night, Deal expected with Soriano and Yanks, Braun exposed again and suspended, Damn good sports day!!

Lizard

  • I don’t think there’s anything entertaining about the guys who cheat being rewarded the most.

Shout Outs

  • Many thanks to Ann Landers who logged her first Lizzie of 2013 this time around! Imagine that!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker and jswanson, co-Most Valuable Lizzie’ers this time around!

Top Ten of 2013 (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – on account of the fact that this post isn’t quite long enough as it is, I’ll list the full standings this time around.

1. jswanson
2. Seymour Butts
3. Doc Raker
4. Eddie von White
4. Jedi Johnson
6. Joe Aiello
7. Chuck
8. Jeremiah Johnson
9. Doug S.
10. Buddy
11. Jerry in Wisconsin
12. Noah Eisner
13. cap’n obvious
14. Katie
15. Gymjok
15. Josh Cornwall
17. Chet
17. LVCubFan
19. Bryan
19. Norm
19. Verncrowe5
22. Darlin_Starlin
22. Tom C
24. CAPS
24. Dusty Baylor
24. Sean Powell
27. Bones
27. Mark_from_Toronto
29. Holden Clark
29. Sherm
29. wisconsinjpc
32. Michael Jimenez
33. Aaron
33. Allan
33. Ann Landers
33. Dave
33. Dous Entendre
33. Drew Peterson
33. Hugh Hefner
33. Jim Hickman
33. Josephine
33. Josh H
33. Just Curious
33. mrbaseball2usa
33. Rick Beato
33. Rocco Kavana
33. Scott E. Entsminger
33. Still Curious
33. The Whole Damn Show
33. Troy Maskell

Chit Chat

  • What are your plans (baseball-related or otherwise) for the rest of the summer?

 

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