Author Archive

GirlieView (10/16/2014)

Thursday, October 16th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offeason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Drinks on me!
  • sweet………..crashed the top 25! Gives me something to aim for next year, the top 10
  • Congrats to Jswan on the season ending leading Lizzie board dude! Congrats to me for being second place ahead of Seymour’s butt, that’s one place you don’t want to be is behind Seymour’s butt.
  • Whew. Glad I’ve got Joe and Eddie between me and Seymour’s butt.
  • I am in a sad, sad state of affairs. I’m afraid to look up.
  • Well, I am glad Jedi slipped in right in front of me, because I would not want a Johnson behind me.
  • 7th not bad for a rook, even more impressive for a Dork
  • All those spreadsheets paid off, and your wife said you were waisting your time. Ha to her.
  • Good choice for the Lizard, even though I did not say it. The fact that it is true is what makes VFTB must read material (sorry saber geeks).
  • Greetings from Iowa. Somebody sold something we don’t really make, so off to this place to figure out how to make said something. I missed the corn, but saw some corn mazes from a few thousand feet. These guys and their corn.
  • Say hello to Kris Bryant.
  • Say hello to Chuck.
  • Don’t say hello to anyone (unless you want to lose an hour listening to a stranger’s life story).
  • Ortiz could be an interesting guy to have in the mix for a LHP reliever spot next season.
  • Interesting how? As a pitcher or does he know a lot of trivia which makes interesting conversation? Is Ortiz someone that Seymour would want to dine with at Subway? Ortiz is one step away from fantasy camp.
  • He is familiar with a few bands from his hometown.
  • Are new acquisitions in the bullpen automatically relegated to carrying the my little pony back pack of snacks, or does MLB time served count? This I find interesting about Ortiz.
  • I think time served counts. I can’t see a veteran carrying the pink back pack into the bullpen. What’s in the back pack could be interesting.
  • This is what I get for posting something and not checking back for a day.
  • I know little of his musical preferences and how they line up with Len Kasper’s.
  • Aw, and I was waiting on Jswan’s discussion on what could possibly be in the bullpen backpack.
  • Seeds, gum, and one of Darwin Barney’s old purses.
  • Who is Darwin Barney? Will he be paying to attend Randy’s camp this January?
  • The Cardinals are cock a roches.
  • I’m guessing we’re all Giants fans today…we should get some shirts made up.
  • I am hoping the Giants every other year thing continues.
  • I am rooting for a Giants vs Royals WS, I really like the way the Royals play the game. The Royals play an exciting brand of baseball, I find Royals baseball very interesting.
  • Good thing there’s football tonight or I’d really have to do something weird like talk to my girlfriend or something.
  • Spin her tall tales of doctors who eat sandwiches and docs who sell Ray Bans.
  • What does Dick Allen, Dom DiMaggio, Reggie Jackson, Darrell Porter, Chris Sabo, Kyle Farnsworth and “Deacon” Danny MacFayden all have in common?
  • They are all has beens?
  • They all had better eyes than Dale Scott?
  • They all once killed a man just to watch him die?
  • The metric for this is the: Big Hits for Non Studs- BHNS- the average BHNS is calculated on a per game basis. The BHNS regular season median for 2014 was 1.8. The Royals are running a 3.2 BHNS in the playoffs. The Cubs had a 0.7 BHNS the first half of 2014 and a 1.4 BHNS the second half of 2014.
  • so what you are saying is that the Royals in the playoffs have nice BHNS
  • So Adam is Done?
  • If you talk to Sox fans he was actually done a few years back.
  • Maybe we’ll get lucky and Edwin Jackson will retire.

Lizard

  • Did you hear Joe got DFA’d? They said they weren’t getting enough production out of him.

Shout Outs

  • It’s the first offseason Lizzie for everyone who got a Lizzie this time. Shout outs to all!!!!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Doc Raker
2. Eddie Von White
3. Jerry in Wisconsin
3. jswanson
5. Seymour Butts
6. Noah Eisner
7. Dork
7. Doug S.
8. Jedi
8. SBardo
8. SouthKakalakiCubsFan

Chit Chat

  • What will you do for entertainment once the World Series is over? Football? Hockey? Talk to your girlfriend? ;-)
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GirlieView (10/02/2014)

Thursday, October 2nd, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • A researched, well though out piece he has time for. But answering our burning questions of frivolity has to wait…priorities, man.
  • 16-5 final, I could have won $0.98 on the Edwin Jackson verses Clayton Kershaw sure thing. Does anyone know of any other event that was a more secure sure thing than this game?
  • This is a major let-down. All that anticipation on Joe’s wise answers and this is what we get?
  • Agreed…that was sort of anticlimactic. Life is way to short to maintain a Dorito purist mindset.
  • I always figured Joe for a Mrs. Howell kinda guy – glad I was wrong.
  • Mrs. Howell would be the ticket to owning the Cubs.
  • I bet the Professor could break down Baez approach to the plate and he would be hitting coconuts off the island in no time.
  • Good for Kansas City and their playoff push. It is always good to see young players develop into winners. There is hope for our Cubs!
  • While listening to the Dodger radio broadcast since it features no Len Kasper, Rick Monday and Kevin Kennedy were talking about what an easy out Baez is for a good pitcher. “Sure he has a great swing but he is so aggressive I would imagine he will be an easy out for the better pitchers in the league.” I agree Rick and thanks for not being Len Kasper.
  • On the flip side of that, you’re left with no idea of where Oingo Boingo is playing this weekend.
  • While I’m not necessarily concerned about the current length of games, I think there is some merit in trying to shorten games. Do batters really need to adjust their batting gloves after every pitch? Do pitchers have to take off and readjust their hat between every pitch?
  • My wood bat league hasn’t banned me from horsing around with my cup between pitches. Thankfully.
  • If WGN drops the Cubs their network ratings will drop across the board.
  • Not only WGN but cable and satellite TV will lose money as well. I upgraded my satellite in order to get WGN. Now I don’t care so I will downgrade and save a couple dollars a month. I’ve seen enough Funniest Home Videos reruns for a while.
  • My favorite AFV is the one where the kid was confused and said something funny. Classic.
  • Yeah – or that one where that guy fell down.
  • Or the one where the animal had on clothes.
  • What about the one where the dad gets hit in the balls while not paying attention to his kid…that one hits home for me.
  • The AFV with Matt Murton setting Bryan LaHair’s shoe on fire was hilarious. If you look closely you can see Javier Baez in the background laughing. Baez is negotiating with the Japanese AFV but is losing leverage with every strike out.
  • Did you see the one where Joe saw Matt Murton naked just before the whiffle ball hit him in the go-nads? I laughed and laughed…
  • Why haven’t the playoff odds been updated since July 26th?
  • I’d guess that must have been the last date there was even the slightest bit of hope.
  • I actually Like Len Kasper, but I also once owned a Slipknot CD so I guess that eliminates my opinions from counting.
  • This no-hitter was undoubtedly one of the biggest moments of Zimmermann’s now 5-year career and it goes to show the unbelievable depth that the Nationals have behind Stephen Strasburg in the starting rotation. Do the Nationals have the best rotation out of the playoff teams?
  • Random question: I heard JD say Rizzo was going to do some postseason TV…any idea what station he will be with or will it just be local?
  • I think they meant he’d be on TV for declining autographs, pushing the elderly and disabled into oncoming traffic, and swearing at kids.
  • Cameo with Murton and LaHair actually. The fellas try to get Rizzo’s autograph at the Tokyo baseball expo, but Matt brings an ebi roll instead of a sharpie. Clasic Murton…
  • Getting a straight answer on this blog is harder than getting a quality start from Edwin
  • If you wanted an answer, you should’ve asked it of Joe on his Ask Joe Anything day. Though I would suggest that you call it a random thought – not a random question. And maybe don’t count on an answer then either…
  • There wasn’t a person that was hired after Hendry left who was been willing to commit to a specific accomplishment that is aimed to be achieved in a specific year. It’s always been a generic “we want to get better” kind of thing.
  • Yeah, I think there were some implications that they were looking at a time frame where competing was, at earliest, 2014, and, at latest, 2016, but there was definitely nothing explicit.

Lizard

  • Well these guys will do anything to get a Lizzie.

Shout Outs

  • No one submitted their first 2014 in-season Lizzie this time around so let’s just give a big end-of-season shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here! Please stick around for the off-season, we usually have a lot of laughs (and we need all the help we can get!)

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go jswan!

2014 Season Final Standings (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Doug S.
7. Dork
8. Chuck
9. Mark From Toronto
10. Jedi
10. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Noah Eisner
10. Sean Powell
14. Dusty Baylor
14. Sherm
16. Buddy
17. cap’n obvious
17. Chet West
19. Bryan
20. Darlin Starlin
21. Brian Rzeppa
21. Kac
21. LVCubFan
21. SouthKakalakiCubsFan
25. Chris Neitzel
25. Josh Cornwall
25. Katie
28. Jim Jones
28. Kizzfastfists
28. Let’s Get in the 21st Century
28. Luke Jett
28. Michael Rice
28. Rob Willer
28. Ryno
28. Timo

Chit Chat

Next time we’ll start fresh with cleared Lizzie standings since we usually have a more concentrated audience during the off-season. Everyone starts off even again. I’ll see you in two weeks. Meanwhile, enjoy the playoffs and may anyone but the Cardinals win it all!

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GirlieView (09/18/2014)

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • [The record keeping replay] is when a manager feels Dork has made an incorrect entry into his spreadsheet, and requests an external audit.
  • I take exception to this – There are no errors in my spreadsheets
  • I think on every overturned call, the umpiring crew should drop and do 20 push-ups. This would create peer pressure among the umpires to get it right the first time, and also help with the umpires’ collective fitness regimen.
  • I think the manager who gets the overturned call should be able to choose from a whole repertoire of exercises for the ump. This would add much entertainment to the game.
  • They should be able to get out of the physical challenge by either drinking a cup of “mystery juice” from the training room, or by reciting correctly Pi to 27 digits.
  • I hope this humbles the umpires, they were always so arrogant in arguments prior to replay. I am surprised the over turn rate is so high, I thought it would be much lower, i.e. I thought the umpires were better than this.
  • I am surprised as well. If I was wrong 50% of the time at my job, I would not have a job. But you would, because the old “blind ump” adage now applies. They all need their eyes checked – or maybe the high error rate is because you are checking their eyes.
  • Moderately trained chimps could call most of these correctly and still have time to make eyeglasses for the masses.
  • I miss the 5-minute display of two out-of-shape old guys cussing each other out in front of 30,000 people. They’ve taken a part of the game away from me.
  • Good point Jedi and I do give umpires discounts on eye exams and 30% off MSRP on all sunglasses to anyone who wants them. Maui Jim, Von Zipper, Persol, Zeal, Gucci, Ray Ban, Michael Kors and more. Just let me know the model you want.
  • Looks like Joe replaced the Prom Dress ad with a Sunglass ad. Those ads apparently do not cost much.
  • Is it an ad for the Sunglasses Hut by the Quiznos in Huntington? I think that is Doc’s office.
  • You will get more wear out of the sunglasses than your prom dress.
  • Carlos Zambrano has retired which most of you probably know. Can he still pitch? “I don’t think so,” said Zambrano, who has retired from the big leagues. “I think I can hit. I was telling one of the [Cubs] scouts that I was playing catch the other day after five months, and I felt like I was throwing a rock. I think I’m going to stay home, see what happens next year. God has the last word.” Then he slugged the Cubs scout in the nose and busted up a gatorade cooler just for old laughs.
  • From home games to road games, the tentative 2015 Chicago Cubs regular season schedule has it all.
  • From day games to night games, this tentative schedule has it all.
  • No matter what, he will always have great stories to tell his grandkids
  • Paid to play. Incredible regardless. As a bonus, [Olt] might be able to play ball in Japan and potentially get to see Matt Murton naked.
  • I do believe he’s been mentioned in the same sentence as those other former Cub sit-com players. I don’t know if I’d tell my grandkids I saw Matt Murton naked though. Might seem a little weird to them.
  • You’d have to slide it into conversation like it was no big deal.
  • Sort of like Joe did?
  • Olt needs to perfect the triangle mouth. That is the key to future success.
  • Mark, my hat’s off to you for enduring those 3 tough results.
  • Well I was just happy to see the Cubs in person as it’s been a few years since I had. In spite of the lopsided scores I stayed to the very end of each game.
  • We are only 13 out of the wild card!
  • Joe, what’s the difference between a random thought and a question? Don’t thoughts usually end with a period to indicate their completeness while questions end with a question mark? And isn’t randomness involved where questions aren’t related, rather than a series of questions about a particular sport – like say, baseball? Wouldn’t 3 baseball questions be categorized as a homogeneous group, thus rendering them the opposite of random unless of course they were asked on a cooking blog? Does grouping questions together mean that ultimately you’ve asked merely a single question? For instance, have I just asked one question here? Or 7? And if I numbered & grouped them, would that change your answer? Either that’s question 1, or 8, or possibly anything in between; but I will complete my thought(s) at this point.
  • I’m considering legal action against hotels.com for their unpermitted and egregious use of my former moniker in their lame advertisements. Can you recommend a good intellectual property attorney?
  • What does it profit a man, O wise one, to fill his brain with Cub facts and statistics?
  • What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen African swallow?
  • Ginger, Maryann or Mrs. Howell?
  • Who first said “It is what it is” and were they talking about the Cubs?
  • Rank the following Doritos, from tastiest to least tasty:
    * Cool Ranch
    * Nacho Cheese
    * Tapatio
    * Taco
    * Spicier Nacho
    * Salsa Verde
    * Spicy Sweet Chili
  • can I get an unlimited supply in each finger?
  • Joe are you out there?
  • Here’s my question. I’d like to know what you think ab
  • Will somebody send 911 to Sherm’s house. He’s had a stroke mid- thought.
  • I’m fine, but the wife sends her thanks for the hunky paramedic, and I’m sure he appreciated all her one dollar bills. I think they were ones. I quit watching after his pants came off.
  • Joe, Do you think your violation of the Sherm Rule is sort of like God coveting his neighbor? Where did you go?
  • Maybe Joe got to CAPS’ first comment and stuck the business end of a shotgun in his mouth?
  • I completely misunderstood the premise of this thread. I thought if we asked Joe anything, he would answer the questions.
  • Maybe Joe’s watching Gilligan’s Island reruns to figure out the answer to a tough question.
  • In his defense, he actually doesn’t promise to answer the questions himself.

Lizard

  • There is a paucity of triangle-mouths left in these parts.

Shout Outs

  • No one submitted their first 2014 in-season Lizzie this time around so let’s just shout out for everyone, especially for keeping us entertained while we’re bored! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time!! You rock!!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Doug S.
7. Dork
8. Chuck
9. Mark From Toronto
9. Sean Powell

Chit Chat

Who makes the playoffs?

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GirlieView (09/04/2014)

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Whoever I pick for #1 will go on to have a HOF career if he is traded. That is my luck.
  • As much as all Cubs fans wanted him to be manager one of the best moves Theo made was not hiring him as manager.
  • I like a manager that plays the best player regardless of contract and or service time.
  • I flipped over to Len on the Cubs broadcast and learned that Michael Buble will be performing live on Dancing with the Stars.
  • I think that Michael Buble is dreamy. Maybe not Geo Soto dreamy, but dreamy nonetheless.
  • How do you think these injuries conversations go? So Edwin we think your side is hurting, how about a DL stint and rehab assignment?
  • Watching the same amount of Cubs games, which is every opportunity. It’s now the time of year when I get the “why?” from other baseball fans at the sports bar. Or maybe I’m wrong and that’s all year.
  • I also want to thank my teammates here at the VFTB who toss up some serious batting practice lunch meat to be knocked around the VFTB yard.
  • Tarpgate
  • groundscrew
  • I remember that for sure. I went by SB2 then, and my avatar was a picture of Seymour’s buttcrack next to another picture of Seymour’s buttcrack.
  • Len would like the Cubs to play them in Baltimore next time, since he hasn’t seen their new park yet.
  • There is nothing more exciting that watching a kid from the minors come up and get his first chance.
  • Word has it Soler batch cooks plantains.
  • It only makes sense, Doc. Young players like Soler are on the road, a lot. Factor in double headers and extra cuts in the cage…you are going to be wiped most nights. Batch cooking plantains on a rare day-off is definitely the way to go. You can scoop a bunch into your mitt on the way out the door.
  • Glass half full, this is the best thing for Baez to see how good the pitching is at this level. He knows he has to continue to get better.
  • From what I’ve seen, his two issues are very workable and very common: he’s susceptible to the high fastball with two strikes and generally susceptible to breaking pitches low and away.
  • I think 2015 will be an exciting year.
  • They both now enjoy sitcom celebrity status in Japan’s remake of The Odd Couple. LaHair plays the messy Oscar Madison and Fukudome is the metro sexual Felix Unger. Th episode where Fukudome gets lost in a pile of dirty laundry when walking into LaHair’s bedroom was classic. Fukudome had to be rescued by their friend Murray the cop played by Julio Zuleta.
  • Is that the one where LaHair keeps mistaking Kosuke’s cup for a miso soup bowl? Classic.
  • I thought Hee Seop Choi was the cop…
  • Hee Seop Choi and Micah Hoffpauir were the Pigeon sisters.
  • LaHair agreed to the part provided that he also get to play Quincy, M.E. in the Japanese remake of that, called “Yuso dead.”
  • We need to have every prospect debut in Cincy.
  • Johnson!
  • Ask and you shall receive…
    1. That Koyie Hill could sure hit!
    2. I love the way Dusty Baker handled the Cubs pitching staff.
    3. Junior Lake looks like a future All Star.
    4. I really miss Darwin Barney.
    5. The Cubs need to bunt more often.
  • 6. Len Kasper is an exciting baseball broadcaster.
  • 7. The Cubs should put James Russell back in the starting rotation.
  • Two different call-ups with three bombs in their first three games…and both had a multi-HR game. I feel bad for Kris Bryant. Anything less than instant dominance and he’s going to be “the other guy.”
  • Be careful what you wish for.
  • Has anyone ever been called up from Fantasy Camp? MLB should allow a 41 man roster and that 41st spot has to be a Fantasy Camper. The Camper would pay $100,000 to travel with the team and get a certain number of at bats and innings played on D during the month of September. Maybe the team could auction off the spot, think of the possible revenue a team could generate.
  • It’s been done. Remember AAAron Miles?

Lizard

  • EJax on the 15 Day DL…Bruised ego.. I mean…strained right Lat.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Jedi and Kizzfastfists for their first 2014 in-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Dork
6. Doug S.
8. Chuck
9. Sean Powell
10. Mark From Toronto
10. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat

Who would you like to see the Cubs call up next?

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GirlieView (08/21/2014)

Thursday, August 21st, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Ok, I’ll bite. What is a walk tool?
  • I’m trying the saber thing where you say a baseball word and then “tool.” Then you say a number that doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Excellent! One thing I often think of when reading about advanced metrics is what great tools they must be.
  • Wax cup toast, bud. Not as definitive as a glass glass, but the ice does make some noise when it bumps around in the Mountain Dew.
  • Nate Schierholtz was DFFC, designated for fantasy camp. Nate will now be free to roam the fantasy camp locker rooms and dine with Seymour. What will it be, Italian baked with provolone, turkey and swiss or tuna melt on squaw?
  • I wonder what type of Sun Chips Nate will go for. I’m thinking Garden Salsa.
  • I’d like to thank the lowest common denominator, the source of all good grade school humor.
  • I’m not so sure this team will make the playoffs next season, but I do think they will be a definite improvement over this year (it really can’t get any worse than 0.0% playoff odds).
  • In years past the Cubs have took a lot of losses after the trade deadline. This year they seem to be getting better after the trade deadline.
  • It’s been fun to follow these prospects in the minors the last few years, but I am looking forward to shifting my attention to the big league club.
  • All Cub fans are welcome on the bandwagon, genius fans and ignorant fans……………why argue over who is who…..
  • You guys are starting to get that late season chippyness. Where’s the April love on VFTB?
  • My guess is one or two guys will not vote Jeter in the first year. Then they might get interviewed to explain.
  • The differences in talent between this group and the current one is fully understood, but it does show why we shouldn’t worry about a logjam of players at one spot.
  • My sweat factor is way down with this years pen compared to last year.
  • Amen. I have cut my Rolaids bill down by nearly 50%!
  • There is no money going into the curse jar.
  • Do you believe man can control the climate?
  • More importantly, I know it’s possible for a man to control the climate in his bedroom. It’s very easy to make that a very cold place, so be careful.
  • Will you be my friend?
  • Do you have chocolate?
  • Yes. Come over and have some with me.
  • At which exhibit at the National Zoo would you feel most comfortable naked?
  • Definitely the monkey / ape house. I’m a hairy dude.
  • Monkeys are known to throw some pretty unpleasant things,
  • it’s true, but they have good aim, and usually target cardiologists and optometrists….
  • What happened to the prom dress link?
  • Unfortunately, the demand for prom dresses appears to have decreased as more and more girls are skipping the prom and just going right to the hotel with their date. No need to spend the money on a fancy dress.
  • When you dine with Seymour do you bring reading material so you are not bored?
  • I have only had the privilege of dining with capn obvious (he paid), Tom C (he always pays), and Chet (comped meal). In the event that Seymour would like to visit, I’d be glad to let him pay and I would be facinated to know how he took the photo at that angle for his avatar.
  • Len Kasper was intrigued by The Pumpkin Eaters new release “Banana Jack”. He said he couldn’t wait to see them live in October. DeShaie’s was busy breaking down the quality starts delivered by Kyle Hendricks and that Wada guy. Len thought Wada was a hip hop artist.
  • I’ll always have a spot for Jackson in my Cubs history books, but unfortunately a good thing can’t last forever. Goodbye, Brett.
  • Now if only the Cubs could find someone to take the other Jackson off our hands.
  • 2 Johnsons are missing, maybe it’ll be 2 Jacksons next.
  • As Met’s broadcaster said, “The Cubs have always lived and died, mostly died, with free swinging teams. Sure there have been exceptions like Mark Grace and Bill Buckner but this free swinging team are easy outs for guys with good sink or good sliders like Familia (the Mets reliever at the time). Len was heard commenting on the Beatles show at Shea Stadium back in the day and how he wished he could have been there. “Maybe the Beatle tribute band Fab Four will play at Citi Field soon, that would be fun. Strike 3, that’s 14 K’s for Met’s pitchers today. It’s really hard to tell the difference between the Fab Four and the real Beatles sometimes”
  • Len said the ball landed in what will be back stage seats for the upcoming Night Ranger concert next weekend at Citifield. Sister Christian will be the warm up band for the show, Len is stoked.

Lizard

  • I think the Cubs are getting better with every call up and trade and it has been a long time since the Cubs finished a season stronger than they started.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Bryan, and Michael Rice for their first 2014 in-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Doug S.
7. Dork
8. Chuck
9. Mark From Toronto
10. Noah Eisner
10. Sean Powell

Chit Chat

Are you watching/listening to more, less, or the same amount of Cubs baseball as you were before the All-Star break? And how much is that?

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GirlieView (08/07/2014)

Thursday, August 7th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • “Theory” is not a guess…In academic usage, the word theory refers to analytical tools for understanding, explaining, and making predictions in various fields of study.
  • Get off your soapbox. Just yesterday our insightful Wood commentary was praised by a newcomer.
  • I need some vodka for my kool aid.
  • I shall send you some.
  • Should Rizzo even be in consideration at all? I mean with his well documented anti-social behavior in Iowa and all.
  • Moot. He hit two homers for a sick kid, so we’re good to go.
  • I believe that in all of the commotion of Jeff and Jason leaving someone forgot to close the door and the Bupkiss’ dogs came in and ate all of the homework
  • Instead of following the unsolicited advice of Mark from Toronto and making sure I get enough sleep every night, I stayed up to watch the Cubs
  • I’m on the west coast. The time zone means I’m awake for Cubs games, good and train wrecks like last night.
  • I couldn’t take it I flipped over to the Iowa cubs
  • Congrats Jswan. Let’s meet at the Vegan Eaterie for a granola bar and some soymilk to celebrate your commentary brilliance. How about around 4PM, Seymours Chevy Volt starts running out of battery power around 5PM so we need to do a blue hair special.
  • I could use some flax.
  • I write to you from sunny Denton, Texas, where it is a refreshing 102 degrees.
  • When done in the right way, I think acquiring pitching through free agency and through trades is a lower-risk proposition than spending first-round draft picks on pitching.
  • I think that the nature of the market these days is that it’s unavoidable to assume some of the age-related risks of established starters. It’s the other side of the coin of avoiding assuming the risk of first-round pitching prospects in the draft … Either you’re going to assume the risk in the front end with the draft, or on the back end in the after-30 years.
  • Shift ban. I’ve heard it all now.
  • That only leaves 2 options. Direct drive, or a continuously variable transmission.
  • I have an idea – why don’t the hitters just learn how to hit better?
  • that’s just crazy talk
  • Looks like the Cubs officially have no chance at the playoffs now as I see the playoff odds are now down to 0.0%. At least that also means those odds can’t get any worse!
  • That’s lower than a prom dress at 1:15AM.
  • Darwin Barney traded to the Dodgers for a PTBNL …good for him.
  • I bet it’s Puig.
  • Everyone knows the next chapter in this story right? Plays well for the Dodgers, makes playoff roster, gets World Series ring.
  • Disney approaching Barney this week for movie deal. Johnny Depp lined up for role.
  • I met Darwin in the locker room at Fitch Park a few years ago. Over the past few seasons I’ve also had conversations there with Jeff Samardzija and Ryan Dempster. Perhaps speaking to me is not in the best interest of any player who wants to stay a Cub.
  • I met Seymour in the locker room at Fitch Park, we chatted. I didn’t get signed to be a Cub. Now I know why.
  • This comment is not Lizzie-worthy because realism.
  • FYI – there are other reasons that your comment isn’t Lizzie-worthy, but hey, why rub it in?
  • Just subtly mention wieners and you’ll be good to go.
  • What is this “subtly” of which you speak.
  • I am pretty sure that if Baez, Bryant, and Soler hit .350 with 35 HR each season coupled with normal progress from Castro and Rizzo and the rest of the guys, Theo could cobble together a pitching staff good enough to make the playoffs. The Cubs would have the #1 offence in the NL by far. Heck, even Edwin Jackson would be able to win a game or three with that kind of run support.
  • If Theo can shop Jackson at his contract price he’s a genius….or a swindler.
  • Sometimes they work and sometimes they fail miserably, but no team can survive a season without the band of merry gentlemen coming out of the pen
  • arbitration is a bit awk(ward for you oldies).
  • Switch hitting catcher/3b – #7 prospect in the ATL organization, so I wouldn’t say hosed. You think those two trade aways were long term in the Cubs plans? I don’t.
  • A 20 year old at that. A good trade, thought the net hair balance is unchanged on the club
  • Wait. What? The NHB?
  • Bonny bald – Russell well a few too many hairs – it all evens out
  • I still haven’t figured out why they all want to look like Karen Carpenter on the mound. Real intimidating, fellas.
  • If we can just get Schlitter to tone down his mountain-man look we can have a presentable ball club again.
  • The Cubs received their player to be named from the Dodgers in the Darwin Barney trade – and hey, he isn’t nothing!
  • For now, Doubront has been placed on the disabled list with a, ahem, *cough* real leg injury, so the Cubs won’t have to find a spot for him on the MLB team right now. Isn’t it convenient that this injury would pop up right now? I mean, what are the odds?!
  • I almost think that they are hoping he will struggle and use that as motivation to make the final tweaks he needs to make in order to get back and stay for good.
  • Is it time for the hope wood pitches hard tomorrow comments?
  • Not quite. But if he gets a start in Boston on Patriots Day, it would be morning wood. I think we all know how hard that can be.
  • Unobjective homerism is fun and all, but not meaningful analysis.
  • Finally, please, for the sake of the children, never say the phrase “splash the cash” again. Every time you say that phrase, a kitten is swallowed up by the earth right in front of her child owner, who has no friends aside for that kitten.
  • I know it won’t happen, but I hope enough fans are patient enough that he’s allowed to struggle and adjust without too much pressure.
  • I have high hopes for this week’s ode as well.

Lizard

  • When your worst case scenario is sending a 22 year old player back to Triple A for a half season to work on a pitch recognition and plate approach refinement, you’re in pretty good shape.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to cap’n obvious, Jim Jones, and Josh Cornwall for their first 2014 in-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here. Except for Jim. He’s not particularly welcome.

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson and Seymour Butts, our co-Most Valuable Lizzie-ers this time! Thank you for giving us so many laughs!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Dork
7. Doug S.
8. Chuck
9. Noah Eisner
10. Mark From Toronto
10. Sean Powell

Chit Chat

Which would you rather, and why?
a.) A 2015 team which is in the playoff race all season long with no assurance of post season appearance or success
or
b.) A mediocre 2015 team but a guaranteed playoff spot in 2016?
(Yes I am aware this is fiction. Just trying to see how hungry you are, or if you’d be willing to sit through another season of boredom if the 2016 payoff was guaranteed good.)

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GirlieView (07/24/2014)

Thursday, July 24th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Homer Simpson is a fictitious character
  • I listened to the Iowa game last night after the cubs blew up. More interesting at this point.
  • the odds of someone like Sale becoming available anytime soon are somewhere between the odds of me winning the lottery and my son becoming the King of England.
  • Well written and very well thought out, Noah. I think the long play is going to work out regardless of the bits.
  • I have done a complete 180 on Valbuena.
  • Great to be in Chicago and walk into a bar with the Cubs game on by default.
  • I really lost interest in the won and loss record and I am focusing on all these fine young prospects for the future.
  • if you are 26 and still in AAA, you are “ready” regardless if you really are ready. It is s**t-or-get-off-the-pot time for you.
  • They asked the same question at the Miss America Pageant this past year. You stole Miss Montana’s answer
  • I want players who are driven to succeed and don’t need me as the manager to act a fool to get them to produce.
  • At this point, the team doesn’t have much to lose, so why not take more chances in an attempt to score.
  • the Cubs winning or losing this season actually has very little bearing on how close they are to being competitive.
  • Marla Collins.
  • Lizzie said busts, plural. I’d go with Marla and Don Zimmer.
  • Going to miss my bestest baseball buddy and most loyal Cubs fan
  • My cousin Don Hausser Jr will be throwing out the first pitch at the Cubs game today, Sunday July 13. He will be in his formal service dress, this is part of the Cubs honoring our military. I was hoping cousin Don would be allowed to pitch instead of Edwin Jackson yesterday but unfortunately Jackson was allowed to pitched and gave up an era busting 9 earned runs in 3 2/3 innings. Cousin Don could have done better.
  • See a win today and my glass is half full again.
  • Unless you have a cup column going, now would be the time to add a folder of that name to your desktop.
  • If you look at the totality of the pitching acquisitions (and what they were turned into) the Cubs have made in the Jeo era, we are ecstatic.
  • I don’t know about you, but the next 2 days are pretty lean for me as far as sports go. There’s CFL football and British Open golf. As I said, lean.
  • I think Darwin Barney’s baby cost him his job.
  • It wouldn’t be the first time some guys little head cost him a bunch of cash.
  • I can see the Jesus resemblance for Schlitter, although to me he looks more like someone that was cast off the duck dynasty show on A&E and took up baseball instead. Honorable mention goes to James Russell for sporting the same backwoods look. Hopefully one of them gets traded as I’m never quite sure which one is on the mound until the tv announcer mentions it.
  • A couple weeks ago JD mentioned the herd mentality of major league players in the context of beards and facial hair. They all want to be individuals, he said, but they all want to look alike at the same time. Seemed a bit insightful.
  • I’m still rocking the Mitch Williams
  • As well you should be. Never a finer mullet have I seen.
  • Good news! Ian Stewart is available again!
  • I still think people overrate what Dunn would have done for the 2009 Cubs because he would have had to play RF and his defense would have been historically terrible.
  • Joe saw Murton naked, and we don’t talk about that nearly enough.
  • I simply walked up to him and asked him to remove his clothes. Isn’t that how you guys do it?
  • Very professional. Most of us would have gone with the curtains/drapes bit, I’d expect.
  • A tenth of a percent chances to win it all and cheap prom dresses. You win some, you lose some.
  • Nate “I knew it was going to come around” Scheirholtz was a study in despair yesterday
  • Wood still pitches hard.
  • Good Wood is hard…I believe the old saying goes.
  • Looks like the Darwin Barney era has ended.

Lizard

  • Statistics, in and of themselves, don’t always provide answers. Rather, the statistics tell you where to go start looking for possible solutions and/or useful inferences. The article (and comments by all!) have illustrated this extremely well.

Shout Outs

  • A hearty 2014-Season welcome to Kac, who made his first in-season appearance in the GirlieView this time around. With the Lizard no less! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go jswan!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Eddie Von White
4. Seymour Butts
5. Joe Aiello
6. Chuck
6. Dork
6. Doug S.
9. Mark From Toronto
10. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat

Right now on the 25-man roster, who are your three favorite Cubs? And who are your three least-favorite? We’ll see who among them remain on the team as the weeks march on!

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GirlieView (07/10/2014)

Thursday, July 10th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • the more die hard and knowledgeable a fan is, the less likely they are to be jerks to another teams’ fans.
  • The day Harry signed with the Cubs he said it was the happiest day of his life. They just got happier after that with the help of Budweiser.
  • Harry always new where his bread was buttered.
  • A larger container of feminine hygiene fluid you will never meet.
  • Deep dish my hairy white butt.
  • I find that hairy white butt comment offensive to Seymour.
  • Nah, it’s OK… after all, he’s talking about Pizza, one of the four essential food groups. Being passionate is perfectly understandable.
  • Drinks on me…you can upgrade to a large Diet Mtn Dew, Seymour. You deserve it.
  • Personally, I’d be all in favor of a Saturday double header each week and Sunday’s off.
  • How about double headers on Sunday with Monday off? We need entertainment on Sunday’s.
  • We have you for that.
  • I believe Ike hit Tina and Bobby Brown hit Houston.
  • Rack it!
  • The spreadsheet also says their offense sucks, incase anyone did not notice. Glad to confirm it for you.
  • That’s 4 wins in a row. The playoff odds are sure to increase! Perhaps not such an achievement considering the odds really don’t have any room to decrease.
  • Sometimes it’s better to just not speak.
  • I like it. Feel free to stockpile great shortstops.
  • I’m banking on Theo to have a better grasp of the rebuild process than I do…
  • Right on, Sherm!
  • Personally, I can’t see why any true Cub fan would have a problem with this trade.
  • Learned about this right here this morning. VFTB your leader in sports news.
  • How come it’s never a woman wearing beer goggles making out with an ugly guy?
  • Because women aren’t that stupid.
  • When you leave 12 men on base, it’s hard to win the ballgame.
  • Look at that…our loss has vaulted our playoff chances by nearly a percent *and* prom dresses are still cheap.

Lizard

  • Last night makes tomorrow look a whole lot better.

Shout Outs

  • A hearty 2014-Season welcome to Let’s Get in the 21st Century and Sherm, both scoring their first in-season Lizzie this time around. Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Eddie!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Eddie Von White
4. Seymour Butts
5. Joe Aiello
6. Chuck
7. Dork
8. Doug S.
9. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Mark From Toronto

Chit Chat

Who would you rank as your all time Cubs prospect busts?

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GirlieView (06/26/2014)

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • If you call a baseball trip to Minneapolis, Milwaukee and Chicago, 7 games in 10 days exciting, I’m doing it.
  • My vacation this summer will be my two whole weeks without youth baseball. During that span I plan on building a bridge for the backyard and organize the garage including finding a happy home for all my tools.
  • Has anyone else noticed that West Toronto in Wisconsin is tied for 9th?
  • I get Raker’s Lizzie strategy: flood the blog with Lizzie prospects and by sheer volume of prospects you’re guaranteed some of them will succeed in MLL (Major League Lizzie). It’s just like Theo and Jed’s game.
  • That’s been Jswan’s M O for about……ever……..like………..for sure.
  • I have renewed optimism for the Cubs – it appears the system works. Forget about Theo and Jed – you and Jswan should be in the front office.
  • I just got back from a camping trip with my son and have to add honey to my condiment list. For those keeping track at home.
  • We’re already over a third of the way into the season (shocking, I know)
  • I was watching that game where Machado intentionally threw his bat. I thought he deserved more than 5 games, more like 10+. I mean what if that would have hit a player or worse yet, in his attempt to hit a player, he hit a fan?
  • It took 2.5 months but we got our first road series win of the year!
  • I am a small-Hall guy.
  • I’ll buy the sandwiches if you can convince Schwarber to dine with you.
  • Rookie ball diners is right up Seymour’s ally. Seymour can upgrade Schwarber to double meat at the Stop Light Sub Stop.
  • Chips and a drink, too…I’m good for it.
  • Combo is what they call it.
  • Wood got wood. Cubs win.
  • Seems the bullpen usage tracker fell apart while I was gone.
  • and Joe added a link to cheap prom dresses in the Resources area on the right.
  • I didn’t realize June was prom season.
  • Part of me wants to believe [Samardzija] is the real thing, but part of me feels a foreboding of an imminent breakdown that will leave us with inconsolable forlornness.
  • “Do fish trot?” After Jim DeSahaie’s introduced the Marlin’s starting pitcher, Nathan Eovaldi, “The Marlins trot out hard throwing Nathan Eovaldi today. The Marlins have the hardest throwing pitching staff we have seen with Eovaldi throwing in the mid 90′s.” Kaspers response is “Do fish trot?” No scouting report on Eovaldi, no comments on how he has been throwing of late, no comment on his arsenal of pitches, just “Do fish trot?”
  • Jeff of Indiana is of non-virgin birth.
  • I would call that el Diablo hair. I think we could look at Jesus and not get that icky feeling and want to go wash our eyes out with soap.
  • “How about a Freaky Friday where we change places with another commenter.
  • I will start by becoming Raker:
  • The reason the Cubs have not won in a century is Obama. He forced the northsider’s into accepting food stamps and government cheese. Started when he was a young Kenyan in 1909.”
  • I am flatter you want to be like me. I hope one day you can evolve into a fun loving well rounded bloke but judging from your post you misunderstand the true essence of being a Raker.
  • You forgot to name drop a wine of which we’ve never heard.
  • I also neglected global warming or the threat of sailing off the edge of the earth. There is only so much room and way too much material.
  • I’d appreciate a youth baseball stat update and some stuff about hockey.
  • Now I think you are mocking me. Seymours ‘be like Raker’ post was the highest form of flattery but now I sense some mocking going on here.
  • I don’t get it, it is all fake so why is it interesting? Do you pretend to be married to Angelina Jolie and recount fake romantic dinners? What is the sense? Am I missing something?
  • I don’t find Angelina Jolie all that attractive. Something about kissing your brother is a turn off for me.
  • If your brother is built like her, I would not rule it out.
  • Dreamer
  • I’ll have you know Samardzija played football in college.
  • Well, you’ve got me there for sure!
  • The cubs have a way of making the pirates look good.
  • I would think Len Kasper’s call of Rizzo’s home run went something like this, “John Legend Bobble Head night is tomorrow so come on out and get your bobble head. I love Legend’s silky smooth voice. Hey Rizzo just hit one into the bleachers, tie game 1-1.” DeShaies, “He took a high outside hanging curve and just crushed it the other way, I don’t even know how his bat reached that ball.” Len, “Do you think Rizzo is a John Legend fan? I met Legend backstage at a percussions conference. We almost went to Subway together but he said he regrettably had to get going.” DeShaie’s, “Your not going to see many guys hit that pitch out of the ballpark.” Len, “I should of stalked Legend when he left the conference, he is so cool.”
  • Wood is my anchor. It’s been said he pitches hard.
  • Has anybody here seen my old friends Johnson? Can you tell me where they’ve gone?
  • I don’t know, but it wasn’t that long ago when a guy couldn’t turn around here without bumping into a Johnson or two.

Lizard

  • He might be the Cubs “Ace,” but he is not an Ace.

Shout Outs

  • We’ve got no new commenters getting Lizzie’s for the first time this week so let’s have a big round of applause for all of our loyal friends who keep us laughing every day at VFTB! Thank you all for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go jswan!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Chuck
6. Dork
6. Doug S.
9. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Chet West
10. Mark From Toronto

Chit Chat

How are you following the Cubs this year?

a. I watch or listen whenever I can
b. I watch or listen when I’ve got nothing better to do
c. I rarely catch a game but follow the progress in other ways
d. Has the season started?

Feel free to improvise if you don’t care for my options!

_________________________________________________________________________

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