Author Archive

GirlieView (04/16/2015)

Thursday, April 16th, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2015 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • This will be a little tougher than most opening days. I’ll be covertly catching as much as possible while pretending to be interested in Easter Sunday dinner guests. Suggestions welcome.
  • Make no apologies. Have the game on in the background while you eat and talk. You’ve waited all year for this.
  • Hide the food in large plastic eggs. Nobody gets to eat until all are found. Make sure some will never be found by misrepresenting the number of eggs to be found. Wait in the den with the door closed and TV on until the game is over.
  • Congrats to Peter Seymour Buttocks for taking the MVL title this fortnight.
  • I would like to thank the academy. I had seriously thought about dropping the habit of using the occasional 2nd, 3rd… pseudonym in order to garner more Lizzie points. But the way it is, is just more amusing. At least to myself.
  • I was pleased to see Andy Rooney edged out Chris Neitzel and Troy’s Mom.
  • Seems like Troy’s mom needs to try a little harder.
  • Who gives a damn about Troy’s mom.
  • Troy?
  • EVW has been on fire…he earned this. Hats off buddy.
  • Thanks jswan. I couldn’t have done it without you and the rest of the team lobbing those high fastballs in just asking to get knocked out of the park. Its always a team effort and I’m just looking ahead to our next game on Sunday. If we play our best we can beat those guys…then it will be back to the keyboard pounding out one-liners hoping to get Lizzie’s attention.
  • You are absolutely right. If a comedian tells a joke in a forest, nobody is there to laugh. Soon he gives up. Lizzieworthiness is a trait that takes a village.
  • The pursuit of Lizzieworthiness makes life worthwhile – especially for a Cub fan.
  • But this season is different, and you already know why. This Cubs team, unlike the last few squads, has more than just a faint whiff of hope and optimism about them.
  • Welcome back Jeremiah. Just a few things you missed while you where living the married life. Your brother is still abrasive, the Capn makes occasional appearances but still keeps his high comment to Lizzie ratio, Sherm is still funny, EVW busted onto the Lizzie scene as a serious ROY candidate, Jswan continues to poke everyone, CAPS had a rough patch but is back in typical Homer form, Doug S and Mark from Toronto seem to be the same person, Noah is still bogged down in numbers, Seymour is saving the planet with his electric car, Lizzie is still very intuitive, these new characters like Jared and Sean seem like good Cub fans, Dork is well….still a dork, Jerry in Wisconsin – why would a Cub fan live in Wisconsin, Joe our big toe can get you a good deal on prom dresses and Katie is still cute as a button now living down in Boca Vista.
  • …and Raker is still the self-appointed Blog Factotum.
  • It is important to embrace who you are
  • There are people everywhere that have gone hog wild picking the Cubs to win the world series, cure cancer, and establish world peace in 2015. I’m not going that far. I do think this team will be a fun year to watch, but I think the real fun begins in 2016.
  • I don’t understand the three catcher controversy, last year the Cubs had 13 pitchers at times. We just need to think of Beef as our mop up reliever for when the game gets out of control.
  • And if there are no bleachers in the bleachers is it still possible to have a view from the bleachers?
  • We could call it “View From The Ernie Banks Tarps” ?
  • VFTEBT
  • So maybe until the bleachers are reopened this should be renamed something more appropriate like “Partially blocked view from the rooftop across the street that’s not owned by the Ricketts. “
  • PBVFTRATSTNOBTR – that has a nice ring to it.
  • I like View Inside Construction Tarps On Reconstruction Year .
  • Sorry I’m so late. I was standing in line at the Wrigley restrooms.
  • Worst thing about last night: Toss up between seeing a Schilling given a microphone (give me Len Kasper any day over this POS), and the shrieking that occurred masquerading as god bless America before the game. This was supposedly a famous singer, but sounded like somebody who drew a short straw at closing time. Could not have sung worse. Spoiled the entire game.
  • Maybe if I request a win again, the Cubs will deliver? I just want A win…please.
  • It’s quite annoying to come off the high of opening day each year only to be greeted with an off day kick to the seeds the very next day.
  • To not plan for the bathroom situation is an epic fail. The Cubs have said they are bringing in temporary bathrooms, but when you failed on opening night and on national tv, that is hard to forgive.
  • To make matters worse, people had to deal with other wiener problems as they ran out of hot dog buns. For goodness sakes, guys, how does this crap happen and how does it always happen to us?!?!?! Get your mess together. Cubs baseball ops were left, like Cubs fans, standing with only their wieners in their hands.
  • You had me at weiner.
  • I wanted to poke my eye out reading that baseball rule book, so I had to stop.
  • I know a good eye doctor who can help you.
  • I have a suggestion for tonight that will solve both wiener issues: All fans should bring a package of hot dog buns to the ball park. They will receive a coupon for a free hot dog (sans bun). The unused buns can be utilized to wrap your wiener in after too many beers, Each bun should be able to absorb a half pint of pee. Problem solved.
  • At a half pint of pee, eight buns would hold 4 pints. That’s half a gallon. I don’t believe that would be enough buns…
  • Okay…two things. First, there are only seven buns remaining, because of the voucher. Second, there are tons of other options once the buns are fully soaked. Nacho trays, cotton candy, etc. You could piss in the hotdog bag itself if you are in a pinch. Footlong buns maybe…I don’t know. Think outside the box man.
  • Most hot dog bags come with either a twist tie or that little plastic thing with teeth. Get creative.
  • It appears we are a bit male-centric in this conversation. Perhaps the fairer sex could tote some hamburger buns.
  • Thanks to this site, I’ve taken a real interest in minor league ball
  • So… who else had hot dogs for dinner last night?
  • I had mine without a bun, thank you.
  • The mascot zoo lost a sunglassed bear and a hawk, gained a pelican and a sasquatch. Push.
  • I now watch the game anticipating the bull pen coming in to seal the deal. I haven’t felt like that in years.
  • Last time it was wieners, this time it’s nuggets.
  • I know there is a dick joke in there somewhere, I’m just having trouble grasping it.
  • For whatever reason, sometimes it’s hard in the mornings.
  • Next person who writes about Edwards’ frame owes us all dinner. And not at Subway.
  • OT (as it applies to the Cardinals) means “we honor the drunk who killed his girlfriend with his recklessness”
  • I’m as big a fan of Castro as anyone…but if the Padres FO is on the caller ID, we need to listen. I’m not at all impressed with their talent evaluation or business acumen. Accumulating Upton’s is not the sign of a healthy foundation for the future.
  • haven’t they already traded everyone that has any value?
  • Maybe we can give them one of our catchers for some extra concourse restrooms?
  • And hot dog buns.
  • Don’t look now but our playoff hopes are declining and the cost of prom dresses are skyrocketing.
  • Prediction: If the Cubs can score 9 runs a game they will win the division.
  • So nice to see them win a comeback game like this. I haven’t felt like they’ve been capable of such a thing in probably 7 years.
  • Swagger-O-Meter alert! Don’t forget about moxie, grit, and my personal favorite, “the will to win.”
  • TWTW
  • This is getting to be kind of fun.
  • With that out of the way and the yips cleared up, for some reason he decided to try it again, this time seeing the ball fly into right field. Had Jorge Soler not been in RF, it would have been a stolen base and an error leading to Cozart on third. Instead, Soler flexed his arm and gunned down Cozart at third. Side Note: Soler is really fun to watch.
  • I believe this team can make the playoffs.
  • It’s not all sunshine and lollipops…we’re still behind the Cardinals and Pirates in Bill James’ Pythagorean division standings.
  • Can a fellow get a rainbow?
  • I like the move throw the ball near Solar and let him throw the runner out.
  • I do respect how Lester owned it and says he must get better, he WILL get better. Appreciative of his mates bailing him out.
  • The discussion should not be about the NL adopting it, but about the AL abandoning it.

Lizard

  • Beer, food, and baseball. Doesn’t get much better!

Shout Outs

  • Since we’ve turned over a new scorecard with the start of the season, it’s the first 2015 Season Lizzie for everyone who got one. Big shout outs to Bryan, Buddy, Chet, Doc Raker, Dork, Doug S., Eddie von White, Gaz, Jared Wyllys, Jedi, Jeremiah, Jerry in Wisconsin, Joe Aiello, jswanson, Seymour Butts, and Tom! Many thanks!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go EVW!

Top 10 of the 2015 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie von White
2. Seymour Butts
3. Doc Raker
3. Jedi
3. Joe Aiello
3. jswanson
7. Dork
8. Bryan
8. Doug S.
8. Jerry in Wisconsin

Chit Chat

  • What (or who) has been your favorite part of the new young season so far?

 

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GirlieView (04/02/2015)

Thursday, April 2nd, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Having talent but having the decision of where to place that talent on the field is a great problem to have.
  • Cub baseball will already have a push in the opening weeks. His arrival late April will be another.
  • The conniption fit is created by BorASS and the media, knowledgeable Cub fans don’t mind keeping Bryant down for 9 games to start the 2015 season.
  • The spreadsheet says stick with the plan keep him in Iowa for 15 days
  • This competition should be handicapped, it is much harder for a dork to be funny than say someone with the last name of Butts.
  • That’s just a pen name. His Christian name is Peter Seymour Buttocks.
  • I am going on vacation for a week. I will have to have a flurry of witty comebacks when I come back. I have no intention of conceding to Jswanson or Raker or Butts.
  • It is not difficult for a dork to be funny. You are that way naturally, that’s why you’re a dork.
  • Looks like Seymour, Jedi and I will be having a Bushmills over at Don and Charlies tonight to celebrate our co MVL’s. Jedi, let’s meet at 4PM, Seymour’s electric car starts running out of juice around 5:30.
  • I have a strange feeling that Emily Litella could break the tie.
  • One game in the NCAA books, and this guy has a perfect bracket!
  • …and now I don’t.
  • You should write a book.
  • how does one have a tired arm half way through spring training?
  • Too much porn… like there is such a thing.
  • adding is hard
  • Adding an out to the inning every time someone is walked on 4 pitches with runners on base. Could you imagine, Carlos Marmol would of had 8 out innings. Base coaches would have to really be on their mental toes, “Freeze on a line drive with 1 or no outs, run on contact with 2 outs unless we get 4 outs then freeze on a line drive with 2 outs. Run on anything with 3 outs, half way on a flyball with 3 outs in a 5 out inning. “OK that is to confusing, the formula is (Outs Per Inning – 1) run on anything, (Outs per Inning – 2) or less we freeze on a line drive, half way on a flyball and run on a force play.” Where Starlin Castro standing on 1st base replies, “Que?”
  • What about this simple change – wouldn’t come into play often, but “if you walk a batter intentionally, you must face the next batter” so that the manager can’t use the intentional walk to both take the bat out of a hitter’s hands, AND allow the guy in the bullpen more time to get ready for the next guy. Just a thought.
  • How about cyclist outfits. There would then be no doubt about who is playing hard and who is not.
  • I searched and searched but I can’t find your height listed anywhere, even your FBI most wanted picture doesn’t have it.
  • Im a little leary of any Cubs pitcher with the name Ed in his name. Edwin has not helped our namesake.
  • How about guys that post at VFTB?
  • Those guys are solid. They won’t let you down.
  • I’m just curious if Pierce’s parents are funny or sort of dumb.
  • I do not see Sammy coming back. He has always been a me first guy, thus he will never admit fault.
  • it is good to see fans thinking this way, and honestly, something in me is caring again about the Cubs fortunes, but let’s not get crazy, we ain’t goin’ to the World Series!
  • The Cub fan (AKA, damaged pessimist) in me realizes, as you should, we may not go to the post-season this year or next, but take some solace in the fact that there is a plan in place, it is working, and Cub baseball matters again, and that’s a good thing.
  • The Cubs have not won a World Series because they have not been good enough to win a World Series.
  • The goal is to put together a long string of seasons where you look at a team and say “that team has the talent to win the World Series.” The way you get to and win series is by getting to the postseason repeatedly, and then hoping that one year the postseason crapshoot falls in your favor.
  • I think the Ricketts have been a blessing in disguise for this team. I don’t think many people thought that on day one, and the jury is still out for some, but I am happy.
  • Aside from hiring the right people, they’ve stayed out of the baseball decisions.
  • Carlos Pena…Carlos Villanuevstache…Carlos Theriot
  • Well, that could not possibly work out badly.
  • Baez’s problem is a complete lack of approach and pitch recognition
  • I want Szczur, I think the extra z gives him the edge.
  • Having the highest consonant to vowel ratio in MLB has got to count for something.

Lizard

  • The reason that ballpark was irresistible is because even though your life is changing at breakneck speeds, baseball remains constant.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Katie, and Trevor DuBois for their first 2014-2015 off-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Seymour Butts, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard). These are the final standings for the off-season. Congratulations Eddie!! Next time we’ll start from scratch again. Here are the full standings.

1. Eddie Von White
2. Doc Raker
2. jswanson
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S
6. Jedi
6. Noah Eisner
8. Dork
9. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Joe Aiello
11. cap’n realist
12. SBardo
13. Chet West
14. Mark From Toronto
14. Sean Powell
14. Sherm
17. Buddy
18. Jared Wyllys
18. Katie
20. Andy Rooney
20. Bryan
20. Kac
20. SouthKakalakiCubsFan
24. Andy
24. Chris Neitzel
24. Emily Litella
24. Kizzfastfists
24. Ray Brettman
24. Trevor DuBois
24. Troy’s Mom

I wanted to thank everyone for playing along with the Lizzie game, then I remembered you don’t “choose” to play along. You’re in it whether you want to be or not! But thanks just the same!

Chit Chat

  • What are your Opening Game plans, any? I’m sure we’ll all be watching, but does anyone have any special plans or traditions?
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GirlieView (03/19/2015)

Thursday, March 19th, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • (unless you like your tea with a dash of arrogance)
  • AMT is directly proportional to unluckily high BABIP, which is know to be due to the vagaries of line drives batted into the field of play. A fine stat.
  • Cubs Baseball (on radio) Today! Of course had I actually read the chit-chat section above, I would have known that was already common knowledge.
  • In a troubling development, the Chicago Cubs announced today that they are adding performance enhancing drugs to the minor leaguers. Apparently somebody named Phil has been assigned to bring Coke to those most susceptible to the temptations of drugs that will help them gain an edge.
  • Shwarb just hit a salami in his first AB. They started the game without an ump behind the plate. Good stuff.
  • Olt – 2 run HR, go Mike.
  • I will be in Mesa next weekend, woo hoo!
  • Cubs bullpen was in mid-season form today.
  • Am I the only person who will be at the VFTB spring training dinner next weekend?
  • That I like. I can continue seeing baby Cubs right here. The Eugene Emeralds with the threatening looking sasquatch logo. Clearly superior to the Hillsboro Hops, some sort of green plant thingy with a ball cap and eyes.
  • I’m going out on a limb and saying the green plant thing is a hop.
  • Looks more like something else that’s legal here in WA and a few other places.
  • …And Jackson is in mid-season form.
  • Perhaps the Cubs could drop him off at the Goodwill then take the tax deduction. Any accountants ok with that?
  • The Cubs have held him as an investment for more than one year which means they should receive a donation equal to their basis. Doubt it would stand in an IRS audit though.
  • I still say the rebrand him the “BP coach” and keep him on as a the batting practice pitcher for a team-wide confidence boost.
  • If you are scheduled to pay a dude $22M over the next 2 seasons he ought to be able to do something for the club. He could always clean the players cars, help out with doing the team laundry, throw some BP, do some bullpen catching and help out the grounds crew.
  • The Cubs should use Jackson as a goodwill ambassador. Have him hand out baseballs in the bleachers. The Cubs would not be losing any money because if he was pitching those same balls would have landed there anyways, and the Cubs would benefit by not giving up the runs. It might also build up Jackson’s self esteem.
  • Plunk Cardinals – that’d be worth $22M.
  • Carrie Muskat (aka Lizzie)
  • Smart too. He knew this was 3 outs before tossing it to the fans.
  • I love spring training for if no other reason we are still in contention. Everybody is an MVP and Cy Young candidate and the losses don’t matter.
  • I don’t care so much about a winning record; but winning A game, that’d be nice. 0-for-Spring is a crappy omen.
  • Got one!
  • I think the pitcher should hit lead off, just to get the out out of the way so everyone else can hit without a rally killer coming up to bat.

Lizard

  • BASEBALL IS BACK!!!!!

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Chris Neitzel and Emily Litella for their first 2014/2015 off-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, Jedi, and Seymour Butts who share our Most Valuable Lizzie-er award this time! Way to go Doc, Jedi, and Butts!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Jedi
7. Noah Eisner
8. Dork
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Joe Aiello

Chit Chat

  • The next GirlieView (Thursday, April 2, 2015) will be the last “off season” edition, halleluiah! Not that I haven’t enjoyed it, but we’re all ready for real baseball! I’ll wrap up the off-season standings at that time and start fresh in-season thereafter. I will tell you, the standings are the tightest they’ve ever been in the many years I’ve been doing this. The first three slots are separated by only one point apiece, with others in-range as well. It’s like a playoff race! Good luck and have fun with it!
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GirlieView (03/05/2015)

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Maybe I just have a thing for good Wood
  • And in summation, Wood pitches hard.
  • I think we all have an appreciation for good Wood.
  • I think Joe uses the words, wood, hand, wrap, and off way to frequently in this article.
  • that would change my opinion and I’d think the Cubs should hold on to Wood for this season.
  • Is that last sentence a d*ck joke?
  • Joe- try not to hand this bunch easy genitalia jokes. It makes it difficult to digest my meatball sub with marinara and ranch dressing.
  • I like Travis Wood because he hits better than Darwin Barney.
  • Statistical analysis and “traditional baseball knowledge” can (and need to!) interact to enhance each other.
  • Kac, do you use a spreadsheet for stuff like this?
  • Only when needed. I’ll leave that to Dork.
  • Why I want the Cubs to keep Travis Wood: because Edwin Jackson is still on the roster.
  • To show my appreciation, I am going to finally buy that prom dress from the sponsor site.
  • I expect the Cubs to be significantly improved in 2015, with a prediction of an 82 win season.
  • But I have seen a lot of Cubs fans (significantly less so at this site than others) with playoff dreams in their comments
  • Success should be gauged on development of the kids, not a post season berth (or lack thereof).
  • I liken the current rooftop situation to eating at hooters, you do it once to say you did it, after that you realize there are better options.
  • Wait… there are better options than Hooters?
  • The rooftops are interesting to look at and give Wrigley special character, but I wouldn’t want to watch a game from there.
  • the fact that we long for the days in which we could “converse with Dwight Smith and Chico Walker” is perhaps the best indication of how far baseball has fallen.
  • There wasn’t even a Subway in Mesa back then…Seymour had to pack homemade sandwiches to the players in an Igloo cooler.
  • I definitely agree when it comes to the rooftops. I think they lost their true character probably a couple decades ago. No sense in preserving that aspect of Wrigley anymore.
  • Prediction: Edwin Jackson gets invited to Randy’s camp next year as a former Cub. No prediction on what Jackson orders at Subway with Seymour.
  • EJ is definitely going with the meatball.
  • I predict a few EJ meatballs end up on Waveland this year.
  • We could create a MBOW% stat, which would basically be the percentage of meatballs hit onto Waveland. I just don’t think it will stick with the advanced stat crowd.
  • Probably what befell Hoffapauir in the late 00s.
  • Did you know Micah Hoffapauir, Bryan LaHair and Jason Dubois have never been seen together in the same room.
  • But Matt Murton has…
  • And I’ve seen it.
  • Ouch. You like the Cubs and the LIONS? And I thought I enjoyed pain.
  • Chet also enjoys in-grown toenails, root canals, being waterboarded, and getting hit in the balls.
  • it seems strange that a statistic that is so clearly the product of factors beyond the pitcher’s control is still not only attached to that pitcher individually, but also still generally used to gauge the pitcher’s effectiveness.
  • You are preaching to the believers. Jswan has been a big believer in FIP ever since he figured out the vagaries of BABIP.
  • to give $20 million dollar pitchers the idea that all they have to do is pitch 6 innings and give up a run every other inning to be quality is askew with my expectations of said $20M pitcher.
  • I can agree on the lack of utility of W-L. However, I’m a big fan of the Whip.
  • Funny. Just this morning I was wondering if the Smokies were going to hand out Pat Summitt bobbleheads this season.
  • I am selling mine on eBay but you can have it for free, all you pay is $39.95 for shipping and handling.
  • As a fielding bible literalist, I find this biblical talk of hitting and pitching horribly offensive.
  • Which book is best for middle infielders? The book of John or the book of Matthew?
  • Thy Book of Mullet. c. 2008
  • If you’ve been to Safeco to see Felix pitch, it’s fun. There’s a section way down the third base line called The King’s Court. You get a game ticket, T-shirt and K card for around 30 bucks. Every time there’s 2 strikes on the opposing teams batter these guys are waving their K cards like crazy, then celebrate if he gets the K.
  • there’s a good opportunity for the Cubs when Edwin Jackson pitches. The last row of the bleachers could be sold for $400, but the ticket comes complete with a set of protective catcher’s gear, and a crappy nitrite filled hero sangwich from a national chain. Every time the opponents power hitters come to the plate, the whole row can don their gear, fearfully shake in unison, and then celebrate with a bite of sandwich and a swig of G. Heilemans Old Style if they don’t get domed by the home run. The proceeds can go to Kids Care. Fencl Tufo Chevrolet and Torco can sponsor…they can have their logos on the catcher’s gear. The Ogden’s will line up to participate.
  • Obviously. You should think about changing your name.
  • Not to say fantasy leagues aren’t fun, Lord knows Seymour has spent many a dollar bill in a league he can only fantasize about.
  • Dez Bryant has a better chance of playing CF for the Cubs than Kris Bryant does.
  • Who gives a damn about Troy Glaus
  • watch your mouth
  • Where did CJ Edwards fall? … He fell between the bars of a storm grate when he tried to walk over it.

Lizard

  • Baseball on my phone live right now. Man it’s been way too long.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Jared Wyllys, Kac, and Troy’s Mom for their first 2014-2015 off-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Noah Eisner
7. Dork
7. Jedi
9. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. cap’n realist

Chit Chat

  • Today, yes T-O-D-A-Y at 2:05 p.m. Central Standard Time, the Cubs will be playing their first Spring Training game. It’s a split squad, half visiting San Francisco’s facility and the other half hosting Oakland. Audio broadcast of the latter will be available via MLB.com. The first free audio broadcast of a spring training game will be Saturday, Mar 7 visiting the Colorado team, at 2:10pm local time on Chicago’s WBBM AM 780. The first WGN-televised game will be Sunday, March 15 at 3:05pm CDT, vs. Cincinnati. Enjoy!

 

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GirlieView (02/19/2015)

Thursday, February 19th, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Joe can we start looking at the best seasons? This is getting depressing. Better days are soon to come.
  • I’m looking forward to the Top 10 Worse Carlos Seasons as a Cub.
  • How about top 10 worst ways to pass the time until there is real baseball to talk about?
  • I know that this list is supposed to cover all offensive categories…but Kessinger managing only 14 doubles and 32 RBI in 707 PA’s has to be one of the worst things I’ve seen since ever.
  • Probably why he decided to become Secretary of State.
  • So how does a guy like the beloved Don Kessinger keep his job into 1969 after turning in 3 of the worst short stop seasons in Cubdom history? In 65, 67 and 68 Kessinger stunk it up yet he was a Cubs star. Seymour, what does Don order at the Subway?
  • Cold cut combo.
  • I’ll tell you how. Because back then nobody kept spreadsheets on these stats so nobody knew how badly he stunk. Guys like Dork were too busy playing Strato-Matic baseball in the basement to notice. Guys like your dad listened to the game on the radio; read the box score in the paper the next day, and forgot about it and started over at 1:20 that afternoon.
  • I believe that back then all they allowed the spreadsheet guys was paper and pencils, anything more and who knows what would have happened.
  • There was a time when SS was considered a defensive position. I have a feeling if stats such as dWAR (am I using that right Noah?) were kept then, you would see Don as an asset.
  • Good call. Slap a mullet on the guy and run him out there with Theriot or Fontenot.
  • My cousin, whose last name was Kissinger started a Don Kessinger fan club in our back shed. She and my older brother were the only two in the club.
  • Seymour hit .087 at camp and he hasn’t been the same since, toasted salami combo and all.
  • That is worse than Kissinger… was it unluckily low BABIP or did they crank the Jugs machine to 70?
  • I would expect Seymour to bounce back in 2016. His BABIP took a dip suggesting cans of corn hit right at the 72 year old accountant in Left Center. Camp rule is a 4 man outfield but since no one has their original hips there isn’t a whole lot of range in the outfield. But if you hit a can of corn right at someone you can figure it will be caught…………most of the time.
  • I have to say it is a pretty nice community. Lots of characters, but pretty nice.
  • It’s almost like a family.
  • If we all had a reunion we could have fist fights and be exactly like a family.
  • I’ll be the guy getting after the box of wine.
  • To go with your happy meal out of a box.
  • On a personal note my son, Jr Raker, won the state championship with his Bantam (14U) AAA Jr Ducks hockey team. The team has earned the right to compete at the regional championships in early March. If we win at regionals we go to nationals which would be a big deal.
  • There’s a reasonable chance that Shields turned down more money from the Cardinals to go to the Padres, which in its own right would be an awesome story.
  • Ugh. We should get back to platoons.
  • I thought Swanson made TV dinners, not soap boxes….
  • Uh, nope. Never made soap nor TV dinners. I’m the assistant manager at Orange Julius, which is basically like general manager, but with better hours.
  • probably better than Sunglass Hut owner [or] cardiologist franchise sandwich shop groupie
  • Orange Julius…cool. My future plans involve managing a Cinnabon in Omaha. Small world.
  • In a minor stunner, I agree with Raker.
  • Twice in one week! What is happening?

Lizard

  • Those of us who actually need [cell phones], don’t want one.

Shout Outs

  • No one had their very first 2014/2015 off-season Lizzie this time so let’s have a shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Seymour Butts, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Seymour!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Dork
6. Noah Eisner
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Jedi
10. cap’n realist
10. Joe Aiello
10. SBardo

Chit Chat

We probably won’t be going to Wrigley this year but I’m very excited to see the Class A South Bend Cubs, hopefully multiple times. I love minor league baseball! Do you plan to attend any Cubs games live and in person this year?

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GirlieView (02/05/2015)

Thursday, February 5th, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Congratulations to Seymour on his first MVL for 2015. Seymour, are you currently at camp? If so have fun and let Joe Pepitone know you are the MVL, he may let you wear his toupee at dinner.
  • Mar – Barney
  • Did you buy it 2 years in advance?
  • If he’s in a batting stance, I have money that says Darwin published that calendar himself.
  • I also don’t think pace of play is the reason why less kids watch baseball, as much as it is multitude of entertainment options compared to 20 and 30 years ago.
  • I can’t see the need to readjust your batting gloves or your junk between every pitch and I’m all for putting something in place to prevent this.
  • If your at bat lasts more than 4 hours, please consult a physician.
  • Could also make you do things like row a boat on a lake, share furniture restoring projects, hug on a bench, dance to your old vinyl records and sit in separate bathtubs viewing the sunset. Sounds dangerous.
  • Mark from Toronto wants to put something in place to prevent this. Any ideas?
  • Raker, I had some unhealthily long at bats during my undergrad. Should I be concerned?
  • How would he ban the shift? Draw boxes on the field where the players have to stand. That’s what they do at Randy’s camp so the senile campers know where to stand on the field.
  • Boxes sound like a great idea. Then when a fielder steps on a line before the pitch leaves the pitchers hand he would be penalized – maybe by giving the batter an automatic hit. We could watch the replays in super-slo-mo on split screen to figure out exactly when his foot touched the line and the ball left the pitcher’s hand. All these ideas would make baseball much more fun to watch because there would be penalty delays all the time. Maybe we could add invisible runners too. Those were always fun when we were kids.
  • No we give the fielders the invisible fence necklaces and put an electric charge that gets activated if they leave the box before the pitcher throws the ball. Imagine the excitement as A-Rod tries to cheat goes into a spasm as the ball shoots past him and the Yankees lose again.
  • The acrobats would put Ozzie Smith to shame – and the yelping would be hilarious. Someone needs to contact the commissioners office with these ideas.
  • Sometimes, all it takes is a kind gesture from an athlete passed on by a grandmother, and a team gets a new fan.
  • I think of Ernie Banks whenever I am talking to someone and am tempted to drift. Thank you, Ernie, for the very valuable lesson. You’ll be missed.
  • Who decided the games are too long? I don’t think the games are too long. We’ll sit and watch NFL games for 3 1/2 hours even on a work night and not complain. Baseball is an escape from reality. Why shorten that little trip?
  • I agree, Eddie. I don’t personally have a problem with game lengths – except for the lengths of commercial breaks, which we know won’t be shortened.
  • My view exactly! What needs to shift is the idea that a 2 hour game is somehow preferable to a 3 hour game.
  • For me, I think it’s more that a short game and a long game can be just as exciting. A 2 hour and 15 minute well pitched game involving 2 starters who move as fast can be just as exciting as a 3 hour 45 minute game with a final score of 15-14. And, on the flip side, a 2 hour 15 minute game where one team jumps out to a 6-0 lead by the 2nd inning and is never challenged can be just as boring as a sloppy 3 hour 45 minute game characterized by errors, a bunch of walks, and one team slowly stretching a blowout lead even further away.
  • Usually when you go to the ball park it is an event, something you want to linger. When I watch at home, I want the game to last because it gives me a good excuse not to get off the couch and do something I don’t want to do.
  • Reed Johnson is a free agent. Any team wise enough to sign him will get a man who plays hard.
  • Funny you mention that, as I’ve been looking into Johnson’s tenure with the Cubs. Long story short, that may have been a cup.
  • Hundley sweeps the field with a 1-7-10 trifecta.
  • In 1968 he caught 160 games. That stat doesn’t show up here.
  • Not unless you count the last line under the column that is headed by the letter G.
  • That’s called a row, Jedi. Tighten up your spreadsheet game.
  • You can’t imagine how much this pains me, but rows are horizontal, columns are vertical. We don’t want any of our Johnsons going all light-sabre on us.
  • Row not line, not row not column. You follow?
  • The British have made the word row utterly confusing in print. Any word that can be used to mean both quarrel or line should be avoided at all costs.
  • Get in queue for that beef.
  • it is amazing that bad catching would lead to such a discussion on spreadsheets – which goes to prove it is all about the spreadsheet. Whatever “it” means

Lizard

  • May Ernie Banks rest in peace.

Shout Outs

  • No one had their very first 2014/2015 off-season Lizzie this time so let’s have a shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White and Seymour Butts, our co-Most Valuable Lizzie-ers this time! Congrats to both of you!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Noah Eisner
7. Dork
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Jedi
10. Joe Aiello
10. SBardo

Chit Chat

It’s nearly time for our annual debate: whether Spring Training games are fun to watch or utterly useless. How do you feel about it? Will you be watching/listening to Spring Training games or do you skip them and wait for the regular season?

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GirlieView (01/22/2015)

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • I now have Butts looking up my back side, not good, I bet he won’t even send flowers.
  • Looks like Dork and I get one cheek each. Great.
  • You’ll probably get a sandwich.
  • Theriot, Fontenot, Miles.
  • Also, three of those four QB’s have ties to Wisconsin in their sports careers. We don’t have a whole lot to cling to here in the frozen tundra except for our guns and God, so we’ll take whatever we can get.
  • Little known fact, but former Cub Jeff Samardzija played college football at Notre Dame. Not kidding…look it up.
  • Did you have similar bios ready to go on Flacco, Manning, Newton and Romo?
  • The 1991 Laketown Tigers (Little League) turned the only triple play in league history…1-5-4-3. Those kids? You guessed it…Flacco, Manning, Newton and Romo.
  • Wow! you can’t make this shit up.
  • It was the snag, spin and dish from 2 year old Cam that really made this special.
  • Mike Olt was in the middle of his more extended period of being allowed to flail at every breaking pitch thrown at him in his stint as a semi-regular starter at third base.
  • The biggest thing that happened was that the bullpen went from “oh dear, this is bad” awful to quite good.
  • Hopefully we can all look forward to a point where a reliever comes in late with a run or two lead and we can feel good about it, or at least not have to have the Rolaids ready.
  • The 22 Million is a sunk cost, I would rather have talent on the roster.
  • These are my thoughts on it too. If you can pay Edwin Jackson to be replacement level or worse, or pay Edwin Jackson plus someone to be league minimum to provide value to the team, you do the latter.
  • …and why do we allow a team to be called “the Buck-eyes” anyway. Is that not racially in sensitive to the family Cervidae?
  • And why do we allow the Cowboys to be called “the Cowboys?” Does that not imply they are fighting Indians?
  • And what about the Vikings? Are all Scandinavians allowed to be discriminated against?
  • Andy Rooney has really opened a can of worms.
  • Worms are a sensitive subject for those of us who are dead.
  • Mike Olt struck out more than Seymour at a “gentlemens” club.
  • Someone get Noah on the line…we have some platoons to hammer out.
  • Mark Prior had a pretty hard fall from grace.
  • What was he doing on top of Mark Grace anyway?
  • According to Jesse Rogers, the move “elevates their offense more than any other move this offseason”. Thank you captain obvious, as they have only made a move to essentially add a defensive starting catcher.
  • The Capn’s lawyer will be calling you for invoking his likeness without renumeration.
  • The fact that he HAS patience at the plate? HUGE addition to the team that never met a slider in the dirt it didn’t LOVE.

Lizard

  • My 3 favorite Cubs? Whoever is at bat, on deck, and in the hole.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout out to Andy Rooney for his first 2014 off-season Lizzies!!!! I could be wrong, but these might be the first posthumous Lizzies. Does anyone remember any others?

MVL

  • Congratulations to Seymour Butts, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Butts!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Dork
6. Noah Eisner
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Jedi
10. Joe Aiello
10. SBardo

Chit Chat

If you have to choose one or the other, who do you want to win the Super Bowl? (I say “have to” because neither of my picks won last weekend. But I don’t care for the Patriots (understatement) so I’m all in for Seattle even though I wanted Green Bay.)

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GirlieView (01/08/2015)

Thursday, January 8th, 2015

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Apparently, it just isn’t the substance of the comment but how it is delivered, or framed, that matters. Dork has this all on a spread sheet and Noah_I , a.k.a Theo is keeping a watchful eye from the front office as Jswan goes along his happy go lucky flippant way
  • ホワイトソックスはゴミである
  • 多分カブスは2009年にアダム·ダン署名している必要があります
  • I actually appreciate John Dewan’s insightful posts, and think he should write a book one of these days.
  • The book of John, Fielding Bible. My pastor references the book of John often.
  • I’m not touching that with a 10 cubit pole.
  • I understand that the Dominican Republic is his home and that the people he was with are his friends, but you have to make smart decisions with the people you associate yourself with or you put yourself in a position to lose the things you’ve worked hard for.
  • Happy New Year! Six weeks and pitchers and catchers report. Who will be attending the VFTB spring training dinner in Phoenix?
  • Inked D-norf. Nice.
  • Was it a tramp stamp?
  • You could ask ‘norf next month over dinner. You know, at Subway.
  • Have a blog post go live about every Cubs game this season.
  • I am going to log every cubs game into the spreadsheet again this year I have it all set up and ready to go already.
  • Teach my son how to throw 95 with movement.
  • You can do it – how old is your son now?
  • He turns 3 in a week.
  • Dave Buss got 13 votes last year, let’s see if he gets any this year.
  • Don’t you remember the first time you got to touch a boob? It was all you thought about. My guess is he’s doing a little motorboating.
  • I’m pretty jazzed that we have 2 Chris’s in the outfield. Perhaps Alcantara and Soler should changes their names. An All Chris outfield should get a lot of free steaks on the road.
  • Chris is the new Carlos.
  • What are you most excited for in 2015? My Answer? The Chicago Cubs.

Lizard

  • On a baseball note, “wait ’til next year” hasn’t been this exciting for quite awhile, let’s go Cubs!

Shout Outs

  • Big shout out to Chet West for his first 2014-2015 off-season Lizzie!!!! Way to go Chet!

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Yay jswan!

Top 10 of the 2014-2015 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. jswanson
3. Doc Raker
4. Seymour Butts
5. Dork
5. Doug S.
7. Noah Eisner
8. Jedi
8. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. SBardo

Chit Chat

As things stand right now, who are your three favorite Cubs? You might not know the newer guys too well, in that case who are you the most excited about?

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GirlieView (12/25/2014)

Thursday, December 25th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • I am pretty happy with all moves so far, but they could hire me to keep the spreadsheet. I would have no useful purpose, but it would be a nice Christmas present. and everyone needs a dork around the office
  • Trade Carrie Muscat for Lizzie
  • I doubt she would put up with our shit.
  • I actually had not anticipated us getting CM back in that trade. It was more of an upgrade for the Cubs, and CM gets DFA’d.
  • In a blow to the overall organizational “coolness”, the Cubs lost Rock Shoulders to the Rule 5 draft. He will join other career minor leaguers F. Flintstone and B. Rubble with the Rangers.
  • Is Mr. Slate their bench coach? I was really hoping Rock would make it to the Bigs as a Cub just because of his name. This will definitely be logged in the not cool column now that Dork is the dugout spreadsheet coach.
  • Three’s a charm. This feels pretty good leading up to Christmas. It must be the roids.
  • Since it’s a Christmas gift, let’s see them go get Cole Hamels from the Phillies for Edwin Jackson and that batboy.
  • But then we’d be mean to the Phillies and you can’t be mean at Christmastime. We have to find a way to make them think Edwin is a gift…or the batboy…but then again, every time he pitched it would be a gift to the other team.
  • I am more interested in their playoff roster since their opening day roster will not be their playoff roster.
  • If Junior Lake is a starter – there won’t be a playoff roster.
  • I love when a Scott Boras scheme goes a rye…
  • I like it when his schemes go a pumpernickel.
  • I like it when his schemes go a seven grain whole wheat.
  • which fills four of the expected seven (sigh) slots.
  • Glad to hear they’ve found another beard to replace the loss of James Russell’s beard from last season.
  • I think Noah_I is Theo.
  • Wow are there some conspiracy theorists here. “I” is my middle initial. Nothing so interesting. Also, being Jewish (well, or at least Jewishish) and of Ashkenazi descent, there won’t be a Noah II at least as long as I’m alive. Of course, Theo is also Jewish. So maybe I AM him, spending all my spare time writing blog posts. You’ll never know. Mwahahaha!
  • The consensus here is that you are Theo. Therefore, you are Theo.
  • We’ve had Muskat keeping us in check for years. FWIW.
  • My guess is that looking at these top guys is not where the cubs will be looking.

Lizard

  • All I can say is Noah_I/Theo has given me the best Christmas I could ask for – a realistic hope that the Cubs’ season will go beyond opening day.

Shout Outs

  • No one had their very first 2014 off-season Lizzie this time so let’s have a shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Four times in a row way to go EVW!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – I’ll post the full list this time!

1. Eddie Von White
2. Doc Raker
2. jswanson
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Dork
7. Jedi
7. Jerry in Wisconsin
9. Noah Eisner
10. Buddy
10. Mark From Toronto
10. Sean Powell
13. SBardo
14. cap’n realist
14. Joe Aiello
14. Sherm
17. SouthKakalakiCubsFan
18. Andy
18. Bryan
18. Kizzfastfists
18. Ray Brettman

Chit Chat

Merry Christmas! Chat about anything that strikes your fancy!

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