Author Archive

GirlieView (12/11/2014)

Thursday, December 11th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Outstanding work EVW, Buhsmills on you this Thanksgiving Day. I give thanks to green vines, sunny summer days at Wrigley, the W flag when it fly’s and Lizzies- not necessarily in that order.
  • Oh man – the best Thanksgiving ever. Thanks Lizzie!
  • I’m thankful EVW pulled his head out of his ass and improved the leaderboard, and I’m thankful we found our Johnsons. And for the rest of you guys and my family and job and stuff. Go Cubs.
  • I’m thankful for excel – without it what would become of the spreadsheet
  • More importantly, what would become of you?
  • As an accountant I’m also thankful for Excel, although I generally keep my spreadsheets limited to work purposes.
  • I’m thankful I’m not an accountant.
  • I’m thankful that it was 72 degrees in Omaha when I caught my flight back home Saturday. I’m thankful that I’m an owner of the best team in the NFL. And I’m also thankful that I am not an accountant.
  • I’m thankful for my daughter being home for Thanksgiving, my son being studious; my wife being the best cook on the planet; our treadmill and endorphins…and you all.
  • Aaron freaking Haarang.
  • I’ll give the Cubs slightly better odds than the Red Sox and Giants, although there’s always the mystery team to be concerned about as well. If the mystery team is the Cardinals, however, we may need to cancel Christmas.
  • If the mystery team is the Cardinals, I am all for canceling 2015.
  • I hate premature anything.
  • I wonder if Dave Martinez is waiting to see where Lester (and his wife) land before committing to his own future.
  • That’s great, but I said something funny on the newer post so let’s wrap this up.
  • Wait…wasn’t that the batboy?
  • I hurried right over here in search of a funny comment – was not disappointed.
  • Where is said funny comment? We already have one person who grandiosely self promotes and disappoints, don’t need another.
  • It’s the one up there about the batboy. I said “Wait…wasn’t that the batboy?”
  • Narry a snicker.. Maybe it needs a smatering of Johnsons mixed in.
  • Wait…wasn’t that the batboy’s johnson?
  • Yes that’s better. A hardy LOL to you sir.
  • VFTB must behaving technical difficulties, that funny comment hasn’t been posted yet. I will check back later, I have to go promote myself in grandiose fashion else where.
  • I equate being known as a good bunter with being known as a guy that likes to ride a scooter. Fun to do and probably personally rewarding, but not really something you want known about yourself.
  • So the “S” in SBardo stands for scooter?
  • Not according to my wife, but if I told you what SHE says it stands for, I’d get banned.
  • I don’t know – things are really slow on the blog right now. I doubt if Lizzie would ban you – maybe scold you a bit.
  • I get you two mixed up all the time.
  • How about Moises Alou and his comrades that would pee on their hands…what was that worth in the world of WAR?
  • It’s well established that pee hands is worth 0.5 WAR.
  • That would be the fPEE stat over at fangraphs.
  • what if you just had a bad run of luck with your pee?…pee hands WAR needs a BABIP to sort that out.
  • Now that Lester is the ace for the foreseeable future, I’d love to see the Cubs add another #2/#3 type guy. It’s not a need, it’s a luxury…but one that would instantly make them a formidable contender.
  • WhooHoo!!!
  • Log that in as 2 WhooHoos.
  • it is hard to type a really good excited shout.
  • Just hit the keys real hard.
  • Caps lock helps too.
  • Also add a lot of !!!!!!!!!!

Lizard

  • This is what year 4 of a 5-year plan looks like, guys. We’ve been trying to say this. Go Cubs!

Shout Outs

  • No one had their very first 2014 off-season Lizzie this time so let’s have a shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Third time around, go Eddie!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. Doc Raker
2. jswanson
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Dork
7. Jerry in Wisconsin
8. Jedi
9. Noah Eisner
10. Buddy
10. Sean

Chit Chat

It’s hard to believe, but the next GirlieView will run on Christmas Day! If you could ask the Cubs to make one more move as a gift to you between now and Christmas what would it be?

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GirlieView (11/27/2014)

Thursday, November 27th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offeason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • I’m taking the Thurs/Fri off work to do what many of you are doing – watching football and overindulging.
  • I’m trying to find a way to get someone to watch my kids and then convince my wife to batch cook shirtless.
  • I just decided to go to Joe’s house.
  • Very generous of Doc to babysit Joe’s kids on Thanksgiving.
  • I’m trying to find a way to get to Joe’s house on Thanksgiving.
  • Party at Joe’s house!
  • I’ll be rushing to a computer to check out the latest lizzies. Shortly thereafter, I’ll be watching Joe’s kitchen webcam.
  • With both my sisters on the east coast, Thanksgiving is the one time of year in my family that everyone is together, which now includes 7 kids age 7 or younger, so lots of family stuff primarily at my parents’ house. Also putting up Christmas lights.
  • I’ll spend my morning running my girls out of the kitchen and the afternoon food comatose. We finally managed to pull hosting duty, so I bet we’ll get into the wine early. Should be great.
  • camping on the beach Sun.-Wed…traditional bird feast Thursday, and taking the new motor home to the Rose Bowl to tailgate for the UCLA/Stanford game on Friday. Should be a decent week.
  • Going to enjoy some food and football. Thanks Lizzie for giving Thanksgiving some blog time. Most people seem to view Thanksgiving as the bastard child of holidays, but it is personally one of my favorites!
  • Be funnier EVW…we’re counting on you.
  • Man, nothing like pressure…usually when I try to be funny I fall flat – it has to be spontaneous. For example, a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: “why the long face?”
  • You see that is funny because horses actually have a long face.
  • Congrats to EVW on the MVL this time around. Watchout, Seymour and JSwan get a little irritable with the folks ahead of them on the Lizzie board. Pay no attention to any disparaging remarks they might throw your way. You deserve your ranking, don’t let them tell you different. Bushmills on EVW for everyone! Set em up!
  • I’ll buy a round of Bushmills any day if it gets me a Lizzie. Do Bushmills improve your eyesight?
  • Does Bushmills improve your eyesight? It adds 2-4 points on the opposite sex attractive scale but does not increase acuity. After 4 Bushmills every girl is a 10. I only drink 1 or 2 Bushmills per sitting. Seymour does not drink alcohol but does try to get his dates to drink 4 Bushmills in hopes of upgrading his attractive rating.
  • I’m off all of next week, so I’ll likely take advantage of that and sit around and watch football. The Canadian thanksgiving was last month, so I likely won’t be having any turkey next week though. EDIT: Whoops just realized U.S. Thanksgiving is not next week, but the week after. In which case I’ll be working and will miss watching football after all :(
  • Saskatchewan Roughriders vs Ottowa Roughriders?
  • Roughriders verse Trojans, page 23 Hustler magazine July 2012, great read.
  • Trojans – Beavers is a way better match-up.
  • I’ll be glued to the Internet looking for updates on the Carlos Zambrano comeback.
  • Somebody is getting dealt. They didn’t trade for La Stella so he could sit.
  • As a Braves fan, I loved La Stella… He was an anomaly in our lineup… Someone that didn’t strikeout… ;) … The only negative I have to say about him is his defense… It is average at best…
  • So what you’re saying is he is the exact opposite of Darwin Barney.
  • Which reminds me…aren’t we supposed to be yammering on about platoons?
  • It is the time of year when our taste buds turn to yams, so it would be appropriate to be yammering about plantains. I wonder if Joe’s wife will be batch cooking some of those on Thanksgiving?
  • I believe Lester is the Cubs primary off-season target and to lose out on him would be a slight kick in the rebuild seeds, but not something that would knock everything off course.
  • I always hope to not get kicked in the rebuild seeds
  • Jeff Samardzija was an All-Star,
  • Remember his hair-do? Classic.
  • Heard a rumor he once played football.
  • Aren’t you curious as to who it was who told Joe to give himself credit for # 7? I’m thinking it was the same people who demanded he do that other thing.
  • Who wants to buy a free ticket to the Jets/Bills game in Detroit tonight? Some people are amazing.
  • We need a new post…this thread seems to have broke Doug.
  • What happened to that guy who was always hawking his 105 reasons book? I think he could bring Doug back.
  • I think we need a new thread, but to be clear I am not demanding 3 truths and a lie.
  • Shout-out to God for making the blog via re-tweet.
  • Don’t you just hate it when people try to play God
  • Somebody has to.
  • Pretty sure that is legit…beard and everything.
  • But the twitter account doesn’t have that little “verified” checkmark so perhaps it is an imposter.
  • I’m not one to question such things. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.

Lizard

  • Condiment fingers – over exposed. Ask Joe Anything – under answered. 3 truths and a lie – anti-climatic

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Andy, Bryan, and Joe Aiello for their first 2014 off-season Lizzies!!!! P.S. Bryan, I agree, it’s my favorite!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Eddie!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Eddie Von White
2. Doc Raker
3. jswanson
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Dork
6. Jerry in Wisconsin
8. Jedi
8. Noah Eisner
10. Buddy

Chit Chat

Happy Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Don’t be shy!

 

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GirlieView (11/13/2014)

Thursday, November 13th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Enjoyed the series, though it may have ended on a more special note had KC won.
  • This Joe Maddon talk seems real.
  • Doc at the top of the list also real.
  • Happy for all the optimism 2015 brings.
  • Happy for how the Lizzie standings boost Doc’s purpose to live.
  • Well, well, well……….unsustainable huh, it will never last huh. Lizzie, you are an insightful genius that obviously understands humor.
  • I am a real pro at tuning out. Just ask my wife.
  • Your wife is biased, just like all wives are in regards to their husbands, because we all know how tune out our wives.
  • I actually read an article that suggested they keep Renteria as a bench coach if they hire Maddon.
  • Maddon must not be fluent in Spanish.
  • fellow Viewers
  • How about simply telling us, “The Cubs are a big market team and we certainly have money to spend on payroll, but we’re not doing that until our young players develop and we have a better chance to win.”
  • or something even more brutally honest like, “Our team is awful, and we will be for a while. Even if we spend on free agency, we’ll still be bad. And, it messes up our plans to get the best draft picks possible for a few years,” or words to that effect.
  • Len Kasper singing a lifetime deal scares the bejeepers out of me. John Legend, however, would probably love it.
  • or, you know, signing.
  • Both scenarios are equally as scary.
  • I’m particularly interested in whether or not Dave Martinez makes his way back to the North Side…so are many of the player’s wives.
  • That sort of reads like polygamy
  • I doubt Dave cares where the apostrophe is…
  • Unless, of course, it is in Cindy Sandberg’s blouse.
  • Wouldn’t be enough room… already filled with players hands and pine tar.
  • Castro is a proven commodity – the others are not, especially Baez, who has thus far only proven that he could work on a wind farm.
  • It’s tough when things you look up on the internet are not entirely accurate.
  • in my 50 plus years of viewing the cubs, i have never found them to be a cerebral or disciplined club, individual players excepted
  • Dude, nice to see your avatar. Let me catch you up, I’m still irreverent. Caps is still obtuse. Raker is still delusional (though Lizzie can’t resist his volume). Jswan is still sarcastically witty. Noah is still insightfully verbose. Joe is still the leader. Jedi is still baiting CAPS. And Lizzie is still watching over all of us.
  • Not afraid to say I’m elated to see multiple Johnsons on the same page. Welcome back old friend…Seymour is mostly correct, but forgot to mention that it turns out a lot of the polite regulars are Canadian. EVW is on fire, and apparently it isn’t uncommon and weird to maintain spreadsheets at home. Joe had a side business going selling prom dresses, but that apparently tanked.
  • Yes, welcome back. You have no idea the pain and speculation the absence of the Johnsons’ has put us through. And then Joe randomly comes and goes leaving us directionless for long periods of time.
  • Soriano retires because “the passion is gone” – and in the Dominican, passion is often translated “big money contract”…
  • subway Tomatoes are the worst
  • I am assuming you have a spreadsheet to factually prove they are the worst and you’re not just making that up.
  • No I just made that up, but now that you have questioned my integrity, I am going to have to prove it statistically.
  • Your blatant honesty has erased any alleged doubt I may have had about your integrity. Consider yourself exonerated.
  • Big fan of P&T. Seen them a couple times and quite enjoyed the BS series. Great targets and always managed to work naked boobies into their show.
  • Mmmm…Boobs!
  • How about them tomatoes!
  • at the time of posting there are equally 11 sandwich and baseball comments.
  • And if I were to suggest that the Cubs should pay the rest of E-Jax’s salary in the form of Subway sandwiches, which column would you put that in?
  • I’d defer to Dork.
  • I think you could put that in both columns making no net difference
  • If this 2 truths & a lie is anything like “Ask Joe” – we’re never gonna find out which one was the lie.
  • I think the lie is the nosebleed. Had he been a child gymnast, he would have been punched in the nose by a cool kid. Had he met 4 presidents, he also would have been punched in the nose by a cool adult when he mentioned this at a cocktail party. Since apparently one of the above is true, he must have had a lot of trauma to his proboscis. QED.
  • Who has been demanding this? I want names.
  • Nosebleed is the lie. All baseball fans have sat way up at one game or another. (place groan here)
  • I think Joe should leave the silly stuff up to us. I mean, we can take a topic like the sanctity of starting pitching and turn it into an organic tomato fest.
  • I still want to know who demanded this?
  • Bad news guys. Much like Olt last season, Baez managed to fly under the ROY voting committee’s radar.
  • When do we get to update the playoff odds? I am getting tired of looking at those 0s.

Lizard

  • This whole manager things is just business as usual. Every manager and coach knows he keeps or loses his job on the whim of upper management. Kind of like getting a Lizzie. There doesn’t have to be a logical reason to get one, its all on how Lizzie feels at any given moment. Ricky knew the risks of the job when he took it. That’s management’s prerogative.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to cap’n realist, and Ray Brettman for their first 2014 off-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Eddie von White, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go EVW!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Doc Raker
2. Eddie Von White
3. jswanson
4. Seymour Butts
5. Doug S.
6. Jerry in Wisconsin
7. Dork
7. Jedi
7. Noah Eisner
10. Buddy
10. Sherm

Chit Chat

Believe it or not, the next GirlieView will be on Thanksgiving. What will you be doing for the holiday?

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GirlieView (10/30/2014)

Thursday, October 30th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offeason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • The greed for more rounds has lessened the accomplishment of being the best team in your league that year.
  • That said, the great “intangible” in my mind is “approach.” The winning teams have a great approach to the game. They are usually patient at the plate. They usually have pitchers who get ahead in the count.
  • I agree with Sherm 110%. Smart baseball is good baseball.
  • I just want to thank Lizzie for recognizing my genius yet again. But enough about my genius, today is a possible Cardinal Elimination Day. I have bubbly on ice. How will you celebrate CED?
  • On CED I will relax, breathe a heavy sigh of relief and then enjoy the WS not really caring who wins or loses.
  • Drinks on me – as my hero JSwan likes to say. On this CED, I will be consuming any adult beverage not brewed in St. Louis.
  • a) Football, pro and college
    b) Basketball, college
    c) Talk to girlfriend
    w) Hockey
    x) Avoid soccer
  • Football, basketball and a little hockey. Those should keep me busy until spring training starts, thus avoiding the girlfriend chit-chat.
  • Excuse me Brian, don’t you think you missed a little news from last week? The new 2014 off season Lizzie standings was big news and ruffled some feathers of the VFTB entitlement class… I am still celebrating Lizzies astute acumen and Cardinal Elimination Day. Drinks on me!
  • It must be some party to still be going stong since Thursday.
  • Doc really knows how to throw a party. Who else would think of events like Pin the Tail on Len?
  • It will be interesting to see the debate between Doc and Len on what music get played during the musical chairs game.
  • The party will last as long as his case of Mogen-David does.
  • I just Fed-Exed him another case. We could be here a while.
  • I hope you ordered blackberry this time. Concord was too dry for my palate.
  • I ordered the 20/20 Dragon fruit in honor of Lizzie’s perceived vision.
  • Should we invite Seymour? He did come in 5th? I think we should, in fact everyone on the Lizzie board should come and party. Bushmills on me! Doug S, bring your Len Kasper voodoo doll.
  • For sure. He can give us rides home, one at a time, in his Chevy Volt. I’ll go last and we can finish off the box of M&D.
  • I inadvertently sent Len an invitation. Sounds like he’s coming too. Doug S. can leave his doll at home.
  • Your comment on the Dodgers payroll got me looking. The article I saw, dated earlier this year, had them at the highest total salary team in the world at 241 mill and change. It surprised me. For contrast the Shanghai Dongya placed last (294th) at 1.4 mill.
  • Rumor has it they are keeping the books clear in order to sign Brett Jackson, Josh Vitters, and Mike Olt.
  • Shanghai Dongya Channel 9 , 8:00 PM must see TV Thursday starring Matt Morton and Bryan LaHair.
  • Exactly. The TV deals are considered under the table $$$ and not reported.
  • Good to know you are OK Joe. Did you see I am at the top of the Lizzie board? Seymour is five behind EVW, Jerry from Wisconsin and Jswan. We are celebrating CED and Lizzies insightful wisdom, come join us.
  • Having tied their next few years to Jay Cutler, a quarterback unlikely to ever win a meaningful game, Chicago is ripe for a new team to get behind.
  • Off-season plans and FA predictions are always entertaining. The also give your enemies ammunition for the next several months as you are proven completely wrong.
  • I would like to discuss venues for the VFTB Spring Training dinner.
  • I would like to discuss how Joe’s avatar can look so not like the real Joe.
  • The neck is a little different.
  • Real Joe doesn’t have to comb his eyebrows, cartoon Joe probably has to.
  • Same with his hair.
  • I would like to discuss/debate past Cubs at a particular position. Who was better at 1b Mark Grace, Derrick Lee, Bill Buckner, Pete LaCock or Hee Sop Choi?
  • It’s either Buckner or Lee!
  • Grace was pretty damn good also, but Pete LaCock was Seymours favorite.
  • Great stories, great guy, Classic name.
  • What does LaCock like to order at Subway? Special sauce I would presume.
  • A more conspiratorial thinker would say that Russell was pulled in preparation for a trade for Cole Hamels.
  • On Golden Blonde
    Shaving Ryan’s Privates
    Jurassic Pork
    Good Will Humping
    Assablanca
    Every one a classic
  • I’m shocked Romancing The Bone didn’t crack your top 5.
  • Or the classic film, “Yank My Doodle It’s A Dandy.”
  • I PRAY that the Cubs hire Joe Maddon. If they don’t, well, they’d be the Cubs.

Lizard

  • Before I delve into the topic of this post, I wanted to touch briefly on the tragic death of St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Oscar Taveras. There are times when we are reminded of the unimportance of the actual results of baseball games, even World Series games, and Sunday night was one of those times.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Buddy, Kizzfastfists, Mark From Toronto, Sean Powell, and Sherm for their first 2014 off-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Doc Raker
2. Eddie Von White
3. jswanson
4. Doug S.
4. Jerry in Wisconsin
4. Seymour Butts
7. Noah Eisner
8. Dork
8. Sherm
10. Buddy
10. Jedi
10. Kizzfastfists
10. Mark From Toronto
10. SBardo
10. Sean Powell
10. SouthKakalakiCubsFan

Chit Chat

By the time you read this, you will know who won the World Series. As I’m writing it though (early Wednesday evening) I don’t yet know. I am hoping the Royals pull it off but I’m not really invested either way. How about you? Did your choice win?

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GirlieView (10/16/2014)

Thursday, October 16th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Offeason = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Drinks on me!
  • sweet………..crashed the top 25! Gives me something to aim for next year, the top 10
  • Congrats to Jswan on the season ending leading Lizzie board dude! Congrats to me for being second place ahead of Seymour’s butt, that’s one place you don’t want to be is behind Seymour’s butt.
  • Whew. Glad I’ve got Joe and Eddie between me and Seymour’s butt.
  • I am in a sad, sad state of affairs. I’m afraid to look up.
  • Well, I am glad Jedi slipped in right in front of me, because I would not want a Johnson behind me.
  • 7th not bad for a rook, even more impressive for a Dork
  • All those spreadsheets paid off, and your wife said you were waisting your time. Ha to her.
  • Good choice for the Lizard, even though I did not say it. The fact that it is true is what makes VFTB must read material (sorry saber geeks).
  • Greetings from Iowa. Somebody sold something we don’t really make, so off to this place to figure out how to make said something. I missed the corn, but saw some corn mazes from a few thousand feet. These guys and their corn.
  • Say hello to Kris Bryant.
  • Say hello to Chuck.
  • Don’t say hello to anyone (unless you want to lose an hour listening to a stranger’s life story).
  • Ortiz could be an interesting guy to have in the mix for a LHP reliever spot next season.
  • Interesting how? As a pitcher or does he know a lot of trivia which makes interesting conversation? Is Ortiz someone that Seymour would want to dine with at Subway? Ortiz is one step away from fantasy camp.
  • He is familiar with a few bands from his hometown.
  • Are new acquisitions in the bullpen automatically relegated to carrying the my little pony back pack of snacks, or does MLB time served count? This I find interesting about Ortiz.
  • I think time served counts. I can’t see a veteran carrying the pink back pack into the bullpen. What’s in the back pack could be interesting.
  • This is what I get for posting something and not checking back for a day.
  • I know little of his musical preferences and how they line up with Len Kasper’s.
  • Aw, and I was waiting on Jswan’s discussion on what could possibly be in the bullpen backpack.
  • Seeds, gum, and one of Darwin Barney’s old purses.
  • Who is Darwin Barney? Will he be paying to attend Randy’s camp this January?
  • The Cardinals are cock a roches.
  • I’m guessing we’re all Giants fans today…we should get some shirts made up.
  • I am hoping the Giants every other year thing continues.
  • I am rooting for a Giants vs Royals WS, I really like the way the Royals play the game. The Royals play an exciting brand of baseball, I find Royals baseball very interesting.
  • Good thing there’s football tonight or I’d really have to do something weird like talk to my girlfriend or something.
  • Spin her tall tales of doctors who eat sandwiches and docs who sell Ray Bans.
  • What does Dick Allen, Dom DiMaggio, Reggie Jackson, Darrell Porter, Chris Sabo, Kyle Farnsworth and “Deacon” Danny MacFayden all have in common?
  • They are all has beens?
  • They all had better eyes than Dale Scott?
  • They all once killed a man just to watch him die?
  • The metric for this is the: Big Hits for Non Studs- BHNS- the average BHNS is calculated on a per game basis. The BHNS regular season median for 2014 was 1.8. The Royals are running a 3.2 BHNS in the playoffs. The Cubs had a 0.7 BHNS the first half of 2014 and a 1.4 BHNS the second half of 2014.
  • so what you are saying is that the Royals in the playoffs have nice BHNS
  • So Adam is Done?
  • If you talk to Sox fans he was actually done a few years back.
  • Maybe we’ll get lucky and Edwin Jackson will retire.

Lizard

  • Did you hear Joe got DFA’d? They said they weren’t getting enough production out of him.

Shout Outs

  • It’s the first offseason Lizzie for everyone who got a Lizzie this time. Shout outs to all!!!!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Offseason (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Doc Raker
2. Eddie Von White
3. Jerry in Wisconsin
3. jswanson
5. Seymour Butts
6. Noah Eisner
7. Dork
7. Doug S.
8. Jedi
8. SBardo
8. SouthKakalakiCubsFan

Chit Chat

  • What will you do for entertainment once the World Series is over? Football? Hockey? Talk to your girlfriend? ;-)
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GirlieView (10/02/2014)

Thursday, October 2nd, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • A researched, well though out piece he has time for. But answering our burning questions of frivolity has to wait…priorities, man.
  • 16-5 final, I could have won $0.98 on the Edwin Jackson verses Clayton Kershaw sure thing. Does anyone know of any other event that was a more secure sure thing than this game?
  • This is a major let-down. All that anticipation on Joe’s wise answers and this is what we get?
  • Agreed…that was sort of anticlimactic. Life is way to short to maintain a Dorito purist mindset.
  • I always figured Joe for a Mrs. Howell kinda guy – glad I was wrong.
  • Mrs. Howell would be the ticket to owning the Cubs.
  • I bet the Professor could break down Baez approach to the plate and he would be hitting coconuts off the island in no time.
  • Good for Kansas City and their playoff push. It is always good to see young players develop into winners. There is hope for our Cubs!
  • While listening to the Dodger radio broadcast since it features no Len Kasper, Rick Monday and Kevin Kennedy were talking about what an easy out Baez is for a good pitcher. “Sure he has a great swing but he is so aggressive I would imagine he will be an easy out for the better pitchers in the league.” I agree Rick and thanks for not being Len Kasper.
  • On the flip side of that, you’re left with no idea of where Oingo Boingo is playing this weekend.
  • While I’m not necessarily concerned about the current length of games, I think there is some merit in trying to shorten games. Do batters really need to adjust their batting gloves after every pitch? Do pitchers have to take off and readjust their hat between every pitch?
  • My wood bat league hasn’t banned me from horsing around with my cup between pitches. Thankfully.
  • If WGN drops the Cubs their network ratings will drop across the board.
  • Not only WGN but cable and satellite TV will lose money as well. I upgraded my satellite in order to get WGN. Now I don’t care so I will downgrade and save a couple dollars a month. I’ve seen enough Funniest Home Videos reruns for a while.
  • My favorite AFV is the one where the kid was confused and said something funny. Classic.
  • Yeah – or that one where that guy fell down.
  • Or the one where the animal had on clothes.
  • What about the one where the dad gets hit in the balls while not paying attention to his kid…that one hits home for me.
  • The AFV with Matt Murton setting Bryan LaHair’s shoe on fire was hilarious. If you look closely you can see Javier Baez in the background laughing. Baez is negotiating with the Japanese AFV but is losing leverage with every strike out.
  • Did you see the one where Joe saw Matt Murton naked just before the whiffle ball hit him in the go-nads? I laughed and laughed…
  • Why haven’t the playoff odds been updated since July 26th?
  • I’d guess that must have been the last date there was even the slightest bit of hope.
  • I actually Like Len Kasper, but I also once owned a Slipknot CD so I guess that eliminates my opinions from counting.
  • This no-hitter was undoubtedly one of the biggest moments of Zimmermann’s now 5-year career and it goes to show the unbelievable depth that the Nationals have behind Stephen Strasburg in the starting rotation. Do the Nationals have the best rotation out of the playoff teams?
  • Random question: I heard JD say Rizzo was going to do some postseason TV…any idea what station he will be with or will it just be local?
  • I think they meant he’d be on TV for declining autographs, pushing the elderly and disabled into oncoming traffic, and swearing at kids.
  • Cameo with Murton and LaHair actually. The fellas try to get Rizzo’s autograph at the Tokyo baseball expo, but Matt brings an ebi roll instead of a sharpie. Clasic Murton…
  • Getting a straight answer on this blog is harder than getting a quality start from Edwin
  • If you wanted an answer, you should’ve asked it of Joe on his Ask Joe Anything day. Though I would suggest that you call it a random thought – not a random question. And maybe don’t count on an answer then either…
  • There wasn’t a person that was hired after Hendry left who was been willing to commit to a specific accomplishment that is aimed to be achieved in a specific year. It’s always been a generic “we want to get better” kind of thing.
  • Yeah, I think there were some implications that they were looking at a time frame where competing was, at earliest, 2014, and, at latest, 2016, but there was definitely nothing explicit.

Lizard

  • Well these guys will do anything to get a Lizzie.

Shout Outs

  • No one submitted their first 2014 in-season Lizzie this time around so let’s just give a big end-of-season shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here! Please stick around for the off-season, we usually have a lot of laughs (and we need all the help we can get!)

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go jswan!

2014 Season Final Standings (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Doug S.
7. Dork
8. Chuck
9. Mark From Toronto
10. Jedi
10. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Noah Eisner
10. Sean Powell
14. Dusty Baylor
14. Sherm
16. Buddy
17. cap’n obvious
17. Chet West
19. Bryan
20. Darlin Starlin
21. Brian Rzeppa
21. Kac
21. LVCubFan
21. SouthKakalakiCubsFan
25. Chris Neitzel
25. Josh Cornwall
25. Katie
28. Jim Jones
28. Kizzfastfists
28. Let’s Get in the 21st Century
28. Luke Jett
28. Michael Rice
28. Rob Willer
28. Ryno
28. Timo

Chit Chat

Next time we’ll start fresh with cleared Lizzie standings since we usually have a more concentrated audience during the off-season. Everyone starts off even again. I’ll see you in two weeks. Meanwhile, enjoy the playoffs and may anyone but the Cardinals win it all!

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GirlieView (09/18/2014)

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • [The record keeping replay] is when a manager feels Dork has made an incorrect entry into his spreadsheet, and requests an external audit.
  • I take exception to this – There are no errors in my spreadsheets
  • I think on every overturned call, the umpiring crew should drop and do 20 push-ups. This would create peer pressure among the umpires to get it right the first time, and also help with the umpires’ collective fitness regimen.
  • I think the manager who gets the overturned call should be able to choose from a whole repertoire of exercises for the ump. This would add much entertainment to the game.
  • They should be able to get out of the physical challenge by either drinking a cup of “mystery juice” from the training room, or by reciting correctly Pi to 27 digits.
  • I hope this humbles the umpires, they were always so arrogant in arguments prior to replay. I am surprised the over turn rate is so high, I thought it would be much lower, i.e. I thought the umpires were better than this.
  • I am surprised as well. If I was wrong 50% of the time at my job, I would not have a job. But you would, because the old “blind ump” adage now applies. They all need their eyes checked – or maybe the high error rate is because you are checking their eyes.
  • Moderately trained chimps could call most of these correctly and still have time to make eyeglasses for the masses.
  • I miss the 5-minute display of two out-of-shape old guys cussing each other out in front of 30,000 people. They’ve taken a part of the game away from me.
  • Good point Jedi and I do give umpires discounts on eye exams and 30% off MSRP on all sunglasses to anyone who wants them. Maui Jim, Von Zipper, Persol, Zeal, Gucci, Ray Ban, Michael Kors and more. Just let me know the model you want.
  • Looks like Joe replaced the Prom Dress ad with a Sunglass ad. Those ads apparently do not cost much.
  • Is it an ad for the Sunglasses Hut by the Quiznos in Huntington? I think that is Doc’s office.
  • You will get more wear out of the sunglasses than your prom dress.
  • Carlos Zambrano has retired which most of you probably know. Can he still pitch? “I don’t think so,” said Zambrano, who has retired from the big leagues. “I think I can hit. I was telling one of the [Cubs] scouts that I was playing catch the other day after five months, and I felt like I was throwing a rock. I think I’m going to stay home, see what happens next year. God has the last word.” Then he slugged the Cubs scout in the nose and busted up a gatorade cooler just for old laughs.
  • From home games to road games, the tentative 2015 Chicago Cubs regular season schedule has it all.
  • From day games to night games, this tentative schedule has it all.
  • No matter what, he will always have great stories to tell his grandkids
  • Paid to play. Incredible regardless. As a bonus, [Olt] might be able to play ball in Japan and potentially get to see Matt Murton naked.
  • I do believe he’s been mentioned in the same sentence as those other former Cub sit-com players. I don’t know if I’d tell my grandkids I saw Matt Murton naked though. Might seem a little weird to them.
  • You’d have to slide it into conversation like it was no big deal.
  • Sort of like Joe did?
  • Olt needs to perfect the triangle mouth. That is the key to future success.
  • Mark, my hat’s off to you for enduring those 3 tough results.
  • Well I was just happy to see the Cubs in person as it’s been a few years since I had. In spite of the lopsided scores I stayed to the very end of each game.
  • We are only 13 out of the wild card!
  • Joe, what’s the difference between a random thought and a question? Don’t thoughts usually end with a period to indicate their completeness while questions end with a question mark? And isn’t randomness involved where questions aren’t related, rather than a series of questions about a particular sport – like say, baseball? Wouldn’t 3 baseball questions be categorized as a homogeneous group, thus rendering them the opposite of random unless of course they were asked on a cooking blog? Does grouping questions together mean that ultimately you’ve asked merely a single question? For instance, have I just asked one question here? Or 7? And if I numbered & grouped them, would that change your answer? Either that’s question 1, or 8, or possibly anything in between; but I will complete my thought(s) at this point.
  • I’m considering legal action against hotels.com for their unpermitted and egregious use of my former moniker in their lame advertisements. Can you recommend a good intellectual property attorney?
  • What does it profit a man, O wise one, to fill his brain with Cub facts and statistics?
  • What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen African swallow?
  • Ginger, Maryann or Mrs. Howell?
  • Who first said “It is what it is” and were they talking about the Cubs?
  • Rank the following Doritos, from tastiest to least tasty:
    * Cool Ranch
    * Nacho Cheese
    * Tapatio
    * Taco
    * Spicier Nacho
    * Salsa Verde
    * Spicy Sweet Chili
  • can I get an unlimited supply in each finger?
  • Joe are you out there?
  • Here’s my question. I’d like to know what you think ab
  • Will somebody send 911 to Sherm’s house. He’s had a stroke mid- thought.
  • I’m fine, but the wife sends her thanks for the hunky paramedic, and I’m sure he appreciated all her one dollar bills. I think they were ones. I quit watching after his pants came off.
  • Joe, Do you think your violation of the Sherm Rule is sort of like God coveting his neighbor? Where did you go?
  • Maybe Joe got to CAPS’ first comment and stuck the business end of a shotgun in his mouth?
  • I completely misunderstood the premise of this thread. I thought if we asked Joe anything, he would answer the questions.
  • Maybe Joe’s watching Gilligan’s Island reruns to figure out the answer to a tough question.
  • In his defense, he actually doesn’t promise to answer the questions himself.

Lizard

  • There is a paucity of triangle-mouths left in these parts.

Shout Outs

  • No one submitted their first 2014 in-season Lizzie this time around so let’s just shout out for everyone, especially for keeping us entertained while we’re bored! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time!! You rock!!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Doug S.
7. Dork
8. Chuck
9. Mark From Toronto
9. Sean Powell

Chit Chat

Who makes the playoffs?

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GirlieView (09/04/2014)

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Whoever I pick for #1 will go on to have a HOF career if he is traded. That is my luck.
  • As much as all Cubs fans wanted him to be manager one of the best moves Theo made was not hiring him as manager.
  • I like a manager that plays the best player regardless of contract and or service time.
  • I flipped over to Len on the Cubs broadcast and learned that Michael Buble will be performing live on Dancing with the Stars.
  • I think that Michael Buble is dreamy. Maybe not Geo Soto dreamy, but dreamy nonetheless.
  • How do you think these injuries conversations go? So Edwin we think your side is hurting, how about a DL stint and rehab assignment?
  • Watching the same amount of Cubs games, which is every opportunity. It’s now the time of year when I get the “why?” from other baseball fans at the sports bar. Or maybe I’m wrong and that’s all year.
  • I also want to thank my teammates here at the VFTB who toss up some serious batting practice lunch meat to be knocked around the VFTB yard.
  • Tarpgate
  • groundscrew
  • I remember that for sure. I went by SB2 then, and my avatar was a picture of Seymour’s buttcrack next to another picture of Seymour’s buttcrack.
  • Len would like the Cubs to play them in Baltimore next time, since he hasn’t seen their new park yet.
  • There is nothing more exciting that watching a kid from the minors come up and get his first chance.
  • Word has it Soler batch cooks plantains.
  • It only makes sense, Doc. Young players like Soler are on the road, a lot. Factor in double headers and extra cuts in the cage…you are going to be wiped most nights. Batch cooking plantains on a rare day-off is definitely the way to go. You can scoop a bunch into your mitt on the way out the door.
  • Glass half full, this is the best thing for Baez to see how good the pitching is at this level. He knows he has to continue to get better.
  • From what I’ve seen, his two issues are very workable and very common: he’s susceptible to the high fastball with two strikes and generally susceptible to breaking pitches low and away.
  • I think 2015 will be an exciting year.
  • They both now enjoy sitcom celebrity status in Japan’s remake of The Odd Couple. LaHair plays the messy Oscar Madison and Fukudome is the metro sexual Felix Unger. Th episode where Fukudome gets lost in a pile of dirty laundry when walking into LaHair’s bedroom was classic. Fukudome had to be rescued by their friend Murray the cop played by Julio Zuleta.
  • Is that the one where LaHair keeps mistaking Kosuke’s cup for a miso soup bowl? Classic.
  • I thought Hee Seop Choi was the cop…
  • Hee Seop Choi and Micah Hoffpauir were the Pigeon sisters.
  • LaHair agreed to the part provided that he also get to play Quincy, M.E. in the Japanese remake of that, called “Yuso dead.”
  • We need to have every prospect debut in Cincy.
  • Johnson!
  • Ask and you shall receive…
    1. That Koyie Hill could sure hit!
    2. I love the way Dusty Baker handled the Cubs pitching staff.
    3. Junior Lake looks like a future All Star.
    4. I really miss Darwin Barney.
    5. The Cubs need to bunt more often.
  • 6. Len Kasper is an exciting baseball broadcaster.
  • 7. The Cubs should put James Russell back in the starting rotation.
  • Two different call-ups with three bombs in their first three games…and both had a multi-HR game. I feel bad for Kris Bryant. Anything less than instant dominance and he’s going to be “the other guy.”
  • Be careful what you wish for.
  • Has anyone ever been called up from Fantasy Camp? MLB should allow a 41 man roster and that 41st spot has to be a Fantasy Camper. The Camper would pay $100,000 to travel with the team and get a certain number of at bats and innings played on D during the month of September. Maybe the team could auction off the spot, think of the possible revenue a team could generate.
  • It’s been done. Remember AAAron Miles?

Lizard

  • EJax on the 15 Day DL…Bruised ego.. I mean…strained right Lat.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Jedi and Kizzfastfists for their first 2014 in-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Dork
6. Doug S.
8. Chuck
9. Sean Powell
10. Mark From Toronto
10. Noah Eisner

Chit Chat

Who would you like to see the Cubs call up next?

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GirlieView (08/21/2014)

Thursday, August 21st, 2014

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’er: The person with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2014 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Ok, I’ll bite. What is a walk tool?
  • I’m trying the saber thing where you say a baseball word and then “tool.” Then you say a number that doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Excellent! One thing I often think of when reading about advanced metrics is what great tools they must be.
  • Wax cup toast, bud. Not as definitive as a glass glass, but the ice does make some noise when it bumps around in the Mountain Dew.
  • Nate Schierholtz was DFFC, designated for fantasy camp. Nate will now be free to roam the fantasy camp locker rooms and dine with Seymour. What will it be, Italian baked with provolone, turkey and swiss or tuna melt on squaw?
  • I wonder what type of Sun Chips Nate will go for. I’m thinking Garden Salsa.
  • I’d like to thank the lowest common denominator, the source of all good grade school humor.
  • I’m not so sure this team will make the playoffs next season, but I do think they will be a definite improvement over this year (it really can’t get any worse than 0.0% playoff odds).
  • In years past the Cubs have took a lot of losses after the trade deadline. This year they seem to be getting better after the trade deadline.
  • It’s been fun to follow these prospects in the minors the last few years, but I am looking forward to shifting my attention to the big league club.
  • All Cub fans are welcome on the bandwagon, genius fans and ignorant fans……………why argue over who is who…..
  • You guys are starting to get that late season chippyness. Where’s the April love on VFTB?
  • My guess is one or two guys will not vote Jeter in the first year. Then they might get interviewed to explain.
  • The differences in talent between this group and the current one is fully understood, but it does show why we shouldn’t worry about a logjam of players at one spot.
  • My sweat factor is way down with this years pen compared to last year.
  • Amen. I have cut my Rolaids bill down by nearly 50%!
  • There is no money going into the curse jar.
  • Do you believe man can control the climate?
  • More importantly, I know it’s possible for a man to control the climate in his bedroom. It’s very easy to make that a very cold place, so be careful.
  • Will you be my friend?
  • Do you have chocolate?
  • Yes. Come over and have some with me.
  • At which exhibit at the National Zoo would you feel most comfortable naked?
  • Definitely the monkey / ape house. I’m a hairy dude.
  • Monkeys are known to throw some pretty unpleasant things,
  • it’s true, but they have good aim, and usually target cardiologists and optometrists….
  • What happened to the prom dress link?
  • Unfortunately, the demand for prom dresses appears to have decreased as more and more girls are skipping the prom and just going right to the hotel with their date. No need to spend the money on a fancy dress.
  • When you dine with Seymour do you bring reading material so you are not bored?
  • I have only had the privilege of dining with capn obvious (he paid), Tom C (he always pays), and Chet (comped meal). In the event that Seymour would like to visit, I’d be glad to let him pay and I would be facinated to know how he took the photo at that angle for his avatar.
  • Len Kasper was intrigued by The Pumpkin Eaters new release “Banana Jack”. He said he couldn’t wait to see them live in October. DeShaie’s was busy breaking down the quality starts delivered by Kyle Hendricks and that Wada guy. Len thought Wada was a hip hop artist.
  • I’ll always have a spot for Jackson in my Cubs history books, but unfortunately a good thing can’t last forever. Goodbye, Brett.
  • Now if only the Cubs could find someone to take the other Jackson off our hands.
  • 2 Johnsons are missing, maybe it’ll be 2 Jacksons next.
  • As Met’s broadcaster said, “The Cubs have always lived and died, mostly died, with free swinging teams. Sure there have been exceptions like Mark Grace and Bill Buckner but this free swinging team are easy outs for guys with good sink or good sliders like Familia (the Mets reliever at the time). Len was heard commenting on the Beatles show at Shea Stadium back in the day and how he wished he could have been there. “Maybe the Beatle tribute band Fab Four will play at Citi Field soon, that would be fun. Strike 3, that’s 14 K’s for Met’s pitchers today. It’s really hard to tell the difference between the Fab Four and the real Beatles sometimes”
  • Len said the ball landed in what will be back stage seats for the upcoming Night Ranger concert next weekend at Citifield. Sister Christian will be the warm up band for the show, Len is stoked.

Lizard

  • I think the Cubs are getting better with every call up and trade and it has been a long time since the Cubs finished a season stronger than they started.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout outs to Bryan, and Michael Rice for their first 2014 in-season Lizzies!!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Doc Raker, our Most Valuable Lizzie-er this time! Way to go Doc!

Top 10 of the 2014 Season (one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. jswanson
2. Doc Raker
3. Seymour Butts
4. Eddie Von White
5. Joe Aiello
6. Doug S.
7. Dork
8. Chuck
9. Mark From Toronto
10. Noah Eisner
10. Sean Powell

Chit Chat

Are you watching/listening to more, less, or the same amount of Cubs baseball as you were before the All-Star break? And how much is that?

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