The 2014 Cubs will have a difficult time winning 81 games and finishing .500. (Insert a mild snicker) It is even more unlikely that the 2014 version of the Chicago National League ball club will contend for a play-off spot. (Insert hysterical laughter) A further implausible scenario would be the Chicago Cubs winning the 2014 World Series. (Insert maniacal laughter coupled with compulsive type floor rolling, possibly needing a strait jacket)

Regardless of how the Cubs fare between the lines this summer, the organization has decided to make this a season to remember by celebrating Wrigley Field’s 100th anniversary. (…some are calling it a “birthday”, but that would have taken a rather large stadium back in 1914 to “deliver” Wrigley).  The club has made it clear that even while they are in the process of a multi-million dollar face-lift for the “old girl”, they are going to throw a party all summer long.

The Cubs are incorporating the “100 year anniversary” into their promotional giveaways for the 2014 season.  You know… those items that the “first 10,000 of whatever demographic we are targeting today” receive for a particular game.  The Cubs are following the same “decades” theme with their giveaways that they are integrating into areas such as all those cool throwbacks they will be wearing. There will be toys and bobbleheads relevant to particular eras.

Below is a copy of the official promotional calendar:

Wow! There are some really cool things on this list…but after a second perusal I have some questions/comments:

  • A Cubs Fedora Hat? Really? Planning on having some 1920s hit men from Cicero in attendance?
  • On Cubs Yo-Yo day will it come with an instructional DVD for the kids, so they know what the hell a Yo-Yo is?
  • Only the Cubs would have a bobblehead of an opposing player beating them in the World Series…although I love the Babe, so count me in on that one.
  • Will the Cubs Viewmaster come with the round slide-picture type things? What will they be of…Cubs’ Hall of Famers?  Naked pictures of Cubs’ wives? Pictures of our glorious, glorious prospects?
  • How will a Cubs Rubik’s Cube be different from a regular Rubik’s cube? Will it take 105 years to solve?
  • Gracie the Beanie Baby? Really? That market crashed harder than the dot.com stocks

Seriously, there are some pretty cool things on this list that I would love to add to my collectible library.  Nevertheless, this list also made me consider that the Cubs missed out on some golden opportunities.  Here are some more ideas:

1980′s Throwback Sammy Sosa Transformer- Sammy will transform from a speedy little skinny outfielder into a hulking figure ready for action! Bat also transforms, for cork-concealing fun! (Note-the 2010′s version’s skin will lighten when you twist his arm, and he will turn into one of the vampires from True Blood)

Multi-Decade Cubs’ Operation Game-

Be careful! Don’t get buzzed by the multiple injury prone Cubs that come in different versions of the game! Editions include: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Angel Guzman, Bill Buckner, Rick Sutcliffe, Jose Guzman and new arrival Kyuji Fujikawa.

1980′s Stripping Marla Collins Barbie Doll

This undress able Barbie allows kids to recreate the 1980’s Playboy pictorial spread of Cubs’ ball girl Marla Collins. The Barbie can be posed in over 121 different positions…also comes with a speaking Harry Carry Ken doll that says “Holy Cow!” when you

1990′s Joe Carter “as Announcer” Talking Bobble head

Celebrate Joe’s one amazing year in the WGN booth with this talking bobble head. Joe will randomly speak at times, and will ask extremely awkward questions to 7th inning stretch conductors…like inquiring if Jim McMahon had spoken recently with Pete Rozelle…who happened to be dead at the time. Uncomfortable fun for the whole family!

1980′s Lee Elia Speak & Say

This classic children’s toy has helped multiple generations of kids learn words, noises and sounds. Pull the string and hear some of Lee’s famous quotes from just one of his post-game press conferences. Just some of Lee’s sayings: “Blank these blanking fans!” “Eighty-five percent of the world is working, the other blanking fifteen percent come out here, a playground for those blanking blanksuckers” and who could forget “…because if they are the real Chicago blanking fans they can kiss my blanking blank downtown and PRINT IT!” (*not recommended for children under 21)

So I hope many of you get out to Wrigley and take advantage of some of these giveaways, and if you see Mr. Ricketts, please pass along my suggestions.

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Chris Neitzel is the author of the critically acclaimed book, "Beyond Bartman, Curses and Goats: 105 Reasons Why It’s Been 105 Years.", which was recently released for Amazon Kindle. You can follow Chris on Twitter @BBCG105Reasons or e-mail him.