6-17-13

Dear Diary,

Well, I got myself kicked out of another game tonight. The umps handed a run to the Cards in the 7th, even though Yadi Molina was out by a mile. What kind of man accepts “Yadi” as a nickname? And how lazy does a fan base need to be to settle on that for their All Star catcher? Seriously, he’s the face of their franchise–they can’t do any better than that? And why does no one seem to care that he’s got musical notes tattooed on his neck? It might as well be one of those My Little Ponies. I’ll bet he’s one of those Bronies, just like Dempster. I hate coming to St. Louis. It’s just denim shorts and missing teeth as far as the eye can see.

There should be a height requirement for umpires. My neck is killing me from arguing with D.J. Reyburn. The guy’s a midget in twelve states. It’s amazing he can even get his tiny, Oompa Loompa hands around a baseball. I’ll have to pay more attention next time and see if he has to use both hands. Mental note: next time bring out something for him to stand on so I don’t have to swear at the top of his tiny hat.

I did manage to make it into the clubhouse in time to catch a little bit of the Tigers game. I miss Prince. I miss the way he got us all to lie about him being a vegetarian–for crying out loud, his batting gloves were made out of bacon! I miss the way he sloshed around the bases, and the way everyone had to pretend he didn’t look like he was about to die. Sure he’s a fat slob, but he was our fat slob. It would be weird to call him in the middle of the season, wouldn’t it? I’d give anything to hear his exhausted voice again; the way he pants uncontrollably because he had to get up to answer the phone. Mental note: maybe we can get Marmol to tell people he’s got epilepsy or palsy or something that could be an excuse for how much he sucks.

I still don’t miss Braun.

Alright, I gotta hit the sack. Tomorrow’s game isn’t going to mismanage itself. LOL!

But seriously, it’s getting harder and harder to drag myself to the stadium every day. Theo and Jed keep saying they’re not holding these losses against me. But then why is Mike Scioscia’s phone number always on Theo’s desk? And why doesn’t he even try to hide it? There’s no way the Angels would make him their fall guy, right? Right?

I’m so alone.

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