View From The Bleachers

February 18, 2013

Morning News: A Smattering of Sports ‘News’

Filed under: Featured,General — Jedi Johnson @ 1:22 am

Garza ‘mildly’ injured again
The Cubs are out in full force downplaying Garza’s latest ailment, a mild lat strain. Sure it doesn’t sound serious now, but let’s just say Cub pitchers seem to have a way of not staying healthy. Garza claims he wasn’t even giving maximum effort – 80-85% at the most, but he’ll be re-evaluated Monday and hopefully sometime soon the Cubs ace will be back to normal…wait and see.

Jeter’s ‘terrible’ offseason
Try to feel bad for the multi-millionaire who is the defacto mayor and most eligible bachelor of the nation’s biggest city. He had a rough few months recuperating.

Two stories you SHOULD’VE heard about by now…
Races have officially been canceled for the legless man who killed his supermodel girlfriend; can’t imagine the starter’s pistol will sound the same to that guy ever again. Whether you believe the bits and pieces of his story as the eek out, there seems no doubt that she’s dead and he’s to blame.

But fighting for the news on Friday and over the weekend was the Russian meteor that proved all those Cold War movies were a crock…the Russians didn’t have eyes on the bogey that blew out windows all over Chelyabinsk. So Spies Like Us was closer to reality than we thought!

Ryan Braun, the dirty, dirty cheater
Plenty of places around the internet haven’t yet seen fit to condemn the obvious PED user, Ryan Braun. They are fools. Braun’s name continues to show up on lists that ONLY include other users. Just like many other users, Braun has more than a few barely plausible excuses for each new list that contains his name. Even if by some miracle Ryan Braun has the worst luck of any honest individual…never mind, not possible.

Roger Clemens’ Mistress Dies
Just a weird story all the way around.

NBA All-Star Game
Best thing about the game last night (besides the fact that it’s over)…this picture.

Survival
It’s easy to survive the Australian Outback if you have some contact solution and are willing to drink your own pee. No word on if either of those would help you wash down the Bloomin’ Onion at the American Outback.

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  • BLPCB

    Drinking pee isn’t as gross as it sounds

    Urine is 95% water. Here are some of the other ingredients found in normal urine:

    ureacreatinineuric acidsodiumpotassiummagnesiumcalciumammoniumphosphatessulfatesCourtesy of a google search

  • Josephine (D)

    When you’re Derek Jeter, it’s tough being that rich, talented, and pretty, and being stuck with a broken ankle.
     
    If that wasn’t a fart, I feel extra sorry for those sitting around the commissioner.
     
    Stuck in the Outback?  Better drink your own p!ss.

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    Ingredients?  

  • BLPCB

    Copied and pasted it off the internet.

  • Doc Raker

     Do you like the taste of your pee after eating asparagus CAPS?

  • Doc Raker

    Derek Jeter, rich, getting older and still single. At some point he should just come out. Where is Oprah for the break through interview?

  • Jedi

    I think that should be your new name for this week CAPS-

    Peedrinkingaintsobad

  • BLPCB

    I’ve never drank my pee. I know a guy named Eric who drinks his own pee though.

  • Seymour Butts

    Exactly what I think

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    PEE95H20

  • BLPCB

    Don’t you mean Dihydrogen Monoxide?

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    Who knows.  I have no use for science.  

  • Jedi

    *slow freakin claps*

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    The Fast Batboy era is over…Campana to the D-Backs for two 17 y/o Venezuelans.  Not sure how they managed to pull that off.  

  • Jedi

    Because 17 y/o Venezuelan ballplayers were born in 1992.

  • Eddie Von White

    I am very skeptical of the word “mildly” in describing Garza’s injury.

  • BLPCB

    I read in the Trib he might start the season on the DL.
    SHIMATTA BAKA-NI!

  • Buddy

     If it’s in the Trib, it has to be true!

  • BLPCB

    The whole i before e except after c rule is a weird science

  • Jedi

    The guy who has no use for science is concerned about grammar rules and reads the Trib…are you sure you’re not 75 years old and whittling wooden garden gnomes in your free time?

  • BLPCB

    In only read the Tribune for sports, and I read it online. None of that paper crap. My parents read the hard copy.

  • Doc Raker

    How does an athlete in good shape strain a lat playing catch? If you can’t stay healthy after 6 months off when can you stay healthy? Maybe Garza needs to drink his own pee.

  • Buddy

     Or read the Trib.

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