View From The Bleachers

January 13, 2013

Morning News: Playoffs, And A Great Big Fat Lady

Filed under: Featured,General — Jedi Johnson @ 10:23 pm

Cubs
Kosuke is headed back to Japan…to play for my favorite Japanese team, the Hanshin Tigers. You’ll recall that the Tigers are the previous employer of Kyuji Fujikawa (a member of your 2013 Chicago Cubs); but more notably, they suffer from the Curse of the Colonel. Sayanora, Kosuke.

And we’re now just one month away from pitchers and catchers reporting to camp.

NFL
Game of the year started the divisional round. Ray Lewis and Ravens somehow found a way to win; the Broncos advanced no further with Peyton Manning than they had with Tim Tebow. On Saturday night the Packers beat themselves again (I can only presume), and this time it was the 49ers who were the beneficiaries. But if you had hoped to see Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs; don’t worry, you will. State Farm’s advertising budget has made sure of that…

On Sunday, the one they call Matty Ice (first, a terrible nickname; second, how can that be the nickname you bestow upon a guy who was 0-3 in the NFL playoffs, and 0-2 in ACC championship games in college…he was dangerously close to becoming Matty Ice Cold) and the Falcons jumped out to a 20-point lead over the Seahawks. But after falling behind 28-27 with less than a minute remaining, Atlanta managed to kick a game-winning field goal as time expired. In the final game of the weekend, it was never really close, the Patriots put another beating on the Texans in New England.

The NFL is a QB-driven league…that’s the simplest way to evaluate what remains and Tom Brady is miles ahead of the other three.

Li_estrong
If no one knows where to find the Lance Armstrong interview (because it’s on Oprah’s self-aggrandizing network), will we all wind up just catching snippets on various networks? He’d have to admit to something fairly compelling for me to be interested in watching the whole show anyway (I’m thinking ‘I had Oompa Loompas in charge of mixing my homemade EPO recipe and after time trials I routinely dropped acid with Joe Rogan while watching Sergio Leone movies’ would be enough to get me through one hour). At this point we all know he cheated, not sure why we need an hour-long special to find that out (kind of like LeBron’s ‘The Decision’).

Jackie Chan Hates America
Even more surprising, Jackie Chan is still relevant.

Gang Members Are Morons
Don’t just lock your doors in the ‘bad part of town’ – don’t use sign language either.

I Recant Last Week’s Fat Guy Warning
It saved her life

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  • LVCubFan

    Don’t most people attribute Ryan’s nickname to everyone’s favorite college beer, Natty Ice?  

  • Doug S.

    Disappointed that the Great Big Fat Lady from your headline wasn’t a reference to Oprah.

  • YUCottonPickin

    Yup. Had a friend who went to Boston College his senior year, said it’s true

  • YUCottonPickin

    I don’t think a slimmer person would have caused the sidewalk to collapse. This sounds a lot like the Simpsons episode where Homer becomes obese to get out of the company exercise program

    Lisa: I find it ironic that dad saved the day when a slimmer man would have fallen to his death
    Bart: And I find it ironic that for once dad’s butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas
    Marge: BART!

  • Verncrowe5

    Can’t wait for Jackie Chan’s new blockbuster: Ministry of Tofu.

  • Doc Raker

    Was Ray Lewis crying after the game? If so, why?

  • Doc Raker

    Kosuke signed on with the Matt Murton Bryan LaHair sitcom, Kosuke will play the knowledgeable local to Murton’s and LaHair’s antics of hilarity. He will deliver zingers much like Murray delivers with Ted Baxter of WMJ News of Minneapolis. 

  • Jedi

    People in the line at Disney told me that’s an urban legend.

  • YUCottonPickin

    I’ll take what my friend says over what people in the line at Disney say

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    That episode where Murton fills the Gatorade cooler with green tea is a classic.  

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    Bringing up the former fat guy got me thinking, he just needs a mask and he can go around town as rocky the flying squirl.  He can team up with eddy the eagle to create england’s first dynamic duo.

  • Josephine (D)

    Jackie Chan sure doesn’t mind making money from the citizens of the country he hates.

  • Chuck

    Someone needs to tell her the F = m * a

  • LVCubFan

     Smithers, who is this gastropod?

  • YUCottonPickin

    Simpson, Sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7G.

  • Jedi

    I’m not sure she’d interpret that as anything more than an insult about her mother.

  • YUCottonPickin

    That’s how I read it at first

  • Chuck

    Force = mass * acceleration
    Since the acceleration is gravity (and can be assumed to be a constant even though it is not) the force you would hit the ground with is directly tied to your mass.  While I can’t speak to the cushioning effect of the fat, I would think that the increased force of impact would outweigh it.  (pun intended)

  • YUCottonPickin

    I remember high school physics. Being fat has it’s advantages, falling is not one of them. The best advantage of being fat is it makes you drought and famine resistant. Anytime someone says I’m fat, I say I’m not fat, I’m drought and famine resistant.

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    My high school physics teacher taught us how hot foods have fewer calories than cold foods, and then proceeded to tell us that pie is the one exception.  He explained that hot pie required ice cream, thus increasing the caloric intake.  He must of been trying to be drought resistant.

  • YUCottonPickin

    How do they have fewer calories? Is it because heating it up causes fat to be drained off? I can see how that would mean less calories in something like Ramen, where if you cook it and then drain off all the salt and oil it’s much healthier.

  • Seymour Butts

    The fat lady did not seem to justify her thoughts about her size saving her life. a 7 foot fall is not likely to kill anyone, but as Chuck pointed out she hit harder than a more sanely sized person might. What was not accounted for is friction. If her lard laden buttocks hit both sides of the hole hard, she may have just oozed into the hole, saving any significant impact. You know.. the bigger the cushion, the harder the pushin’. Though I think this refers to a different scenario. 
    Regardless, a thinner person may well have not exceeded the ability of the hole covering to support said mass.

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    ^ this is my new favorite thing

  • Chuck

    Exactly.  7 feet is not exactly falling off of a roof, but i think it is more about how and where you land than how far at these heights.  If I dropped someone on their head from 7 feet, it probably has a good chance of killing them.  Dropping someone on their feet, not so much.

  • Chuck

    You guys may have this reversed.  I had heard that eating cold food burns more calories because your body has to expend energy to bring the food you ingested to your body temperature.  Either way, I think the effect of that is rather negligible compared to what you are eating.

  • YUCottonPickin

    I’ve heard that for drinking cold water when you wake up

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    Unfortunaley for me high school physics was over 30 years ago, and that is the only thing I remember happening.

  • YUCottonPickin

    Mine was 10 years ago, and I don’t remember much about that class. Science is useless. How does knowing the different isotopes of carbon help me when I’m sitting in an office cubicle plotting how to cause the next economic disaster?

  • Jedi

    The miseducation of CAPS?

  • Jedi

    Still, she looked spectacular for 32 years old AND having fallen through a sinkhole she created.

  • Chuck

    That statement made me die a little bit inside.

  • YUCottonPickin

    I’m sorry but explain to me how science has any use in economics or accounting? I don’t actually intend to do that, I intend to be working for Disney.

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    I know, right?  The other guys who do long division by hand all day and I were just talking about that at work.  

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    On the plus side my memory was good enough to let me know Bump Wills was playing 2nd base for the Cubs that summer

  • Seymour Butts

    Lose your slide rule?

  • Chuck

    Thathardlymakesscienceuseless. 

  • Seymour Butts

    I see what U mean. Science allowed for the creation of smart phones, which led to twitter. Science must therefore be useless. There is some sort of transitive thingy involved, but that’s useless as well.

  • YUCottonPickin

    Correction: It’s useless in my life

  • Seymour Butts

    No science there! Good move.

  • Chuck

    In reply to YUCP/CAPS from above: Science may not be very useful in your job, but that hardly makes it useless in general.

    You want a good job after college?  Major is a science or mathematics based field of study.

  • Seymour Butts

    That’s contrary to what you hear in line at Disney.
    BTW- the difference between a Disney worker and a Carney is what?

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    I left it in my other pocket protector. 

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    Valid point.  Carneys may not have health and retirement, but at least they get to choose which bitchin’ tunes blast through the tilt-o-whirl sound system.  

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    I don’t know man…you sure scienced the shit out of those ramen noodles.

  • Chuck

    I also recommend to take at least one computer programming course in your lifetime.  Computer programming really helps you think in a step-wise and organized fashion.

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    As someone who has not done any programming in 20 years, but has used a computer that whole time, I agree.  The programming skills I have learned help me understand what the computer is trying to do, even though I now have no idea how to program it.

  • Eddie Von White

    Yeah, there’s no science involved in those Disney rides. 

  • YUCottonPickin

    All right, I revise my statement:

    Science is not useless. It is not useless to me either. It is of very little use to me. I studied economics, which is a math based field, but I still want someone to explain to me how knowing the different isotopes of carbon is going to be of any use in my life.

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    Here you go.  When someone references isotopes of carbon, you can nod your head knowingly instead of acting like a toddler and questioning the usefulness of something you don’t understand.  

  • YUCottonPickin

    I know the different isotopes of carbon, I just see no use in learning it

  • Jedi

    You’re right CAPS, when I order place my order at Pizza Port, the last thing I want you worried about is carbon isotopes.  Fight the man!

  • Doc Raker

    People in line at Universal Studios told me that’s an urban legend.

  • YUCottonPickin

    I’ll take what my friend who I lifeguarded with that WENT THERE WHEN RYAN WAS THERE says, over what people in the line at any theme park say

  • YUCottonPickin

    I have no idea how to program a computer either, but I know how to take care of my home computer. Like I know how to make the backup CDs and blast a computer if I have to

  • Doc Raker

    Albuquerque Isotopes, AAA affliate of the Dojers, the Isotopes of Carbon are a AA affliate of the Marlin’s.

  • YUCottonPickin

    How does knowing carbon isotopes help me take your order, make your pizza, or deliver it to your doorstep?

  • YUCottonPickin

    The Marlins AA team is the Jacksonville Suns

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    Do explain.   Preferably with noodles. 

  • Badmojo1b

    Holy Gregg…(former umpire Eric, not Kevin) I just saw a picture. Jabba the sidewalk smasher is lucky her ticker didn’t stop. Plenty of bloomin onions in her past.

  • Gymjok

    A Carney is art.
    A Disney worker is not.

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    As my high school latin teacher said many times about latin which is less useful to me than carbon isotopes, the reason to learn about latin is to learn how to learn, thus you will remember the facts that you will need.  The other reason to know carbon isotopes is when you need to carbon date your pizza to determine how old it is.

  • Doc Raker

    My waiter at lunch told me that’s an urban legend.

  • Doc Raker

    Isotopes of Carbon must be an affiliate of the Indian’s then.

  • Seymour Butts

    To the Moon…..

  • Seymour Butts

    Would you settle for a giant noodley appendage?

  • Seymour Butts

    Here is why you need to know:
    Say some one orders a pizza from your establishment. Instead of using the usual isotope of carbon in the dough, some lunkhead uses an incorrect artificial isotope.  The most stable artificial radioisotope is 11C, with a half-life of 20.334 minutes. All other radioisotopes have half-lives under 20 seconds, most less than 200 milliseconds. So you box up this pizza, and it degrades to something entirely different (carbon 11 tastes immeasurably different than carbon 12, trust me, I’m a Doctor), and angers the customer. Say you live in a gun friendly state. The customer seeks out your establishment and goes postal.
    Isotopes are not irrelevant in your life.

  • http://swantron.com/ jswanson

    It’s too hard to picture that.  

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