If a revisionist-history tale of Billy Beane and the Oakland A’s can pull people to their local movie theaters, “Cubbieball” is bound to be a massive hit.

I’m currently working with Aaron Sorkin to finalize the script, but basically it takes viewers through the topsy-turvy 2011 season. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll kiss two hours of your life goodbye.

With a target release date of Christmas 2012, there’s still much work to be done. In the meantime, I thought you’d enjoy a quick peek behind the curtain. The following is a list of Hollywood heavy-hitters, and a few unknowns, who have already signed on for this once-in-a-lifetime project. Can you say “Oscar?”

  • Christopher Nolan, Director—His original vision was to tell the story backwards, but I think we’ve convinced him to go a more traditional route. No truth to the rumor that he plans to incorporate unused Heath Ledger-Joker footage.
  • Bruce Willis to play Cubs Manager Mike Quade—Bruce is a superstar’s superstar, but he actually wanted to read for this part. Classy guy. After five minutes of warming up the wrong reliever and filling out the worst possible line-up, we knew we had our man. Plus, they share the same hairstyle.
  • Kevin James to play GM Jim Hendry—Kevin has way too much personality for this role, but the mid-section resemblance is uncanny!
  • Benicio Del Toro to play Carlos Zambrano—We were extremely fortunate to get Mr. Del Toro for this important character. He put on 25 pounds to play Big Z. You won’t believe your eyes when you see him throw a tantrum in the Cubs movie dugout. If Benicio isn’t nominated for an Academy Award, I’ll eat my printed copy of the script.
  • Adam Sandler to play Ryan Dempster—Adam worked out with former big league pitcher David Cone for six months to get ready for this role. And, he does a great Harry Caray impression. The downside is that Dan Patrick’s “Danettes” are now trying to weasel their way onto the set.
  • Tristan Wilds to play Starlin Castro—I’d never heard of this guy, but apparently he was on “The Wire,” so that’s good enough for me. Do you think that’s his real name?
  • Billy Anderson, my neighbor’s 12-year-old son, to play Darwin Barney—They’re the exact same size, and they have similar power at the plate. Perfect casting!
  • William H. Macy to play Bob Brenly—They both have ridiculous moustaches, they both love crappy music, and they both annoy the hell out of millions of Americans. What more could you ask for?
  • A tree stump from my backyard to play Alfonso Soriano—OK, this suggestion hasn’t been approved yet, but they cover the same amount of ground in LF.

Filming begins in January, so stay tuned for more details. I have so many people to thank, I don’t know where to begin!

Thank you to my greedy agent for trying to milk one more dollar out of this project. Thank you to my limo driver who always swings by Steak N Shake at 3 a.m. Thank you to Casey Kasem who taught me to reach for the stars…

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