The Cubs REALLY need your help this year. If it’s not too much trouble…
- Please teach Alfonso Soriano how to swing only at strikes. If he’s receptive to your suggestions, maybe you can work on his defense as well.
- Please give Carlos Zambrano a time machine so that he can return to his 2005 form. We’ll even let him smash a cooler or two.
- Please bring us a 1B who can actually hit for power and get on base. There’s only like 1,000 of them on the free agent market.
- Please help Cub fans understand that Marlon Byrd isn’t Willie Mays. I like Mr. Byrd as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize his weaknesses at the plate. (Please insert your “clutch, grinder, hustle” comments here.)
- Please help Carlos Marmol improve his control. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, but just a little better command would do wonders for my blood pressure. Maybe I’ll even open my eyes in the 9th inning this year.
- Please help Aramis Ramirez stay healthy in 2011. It’s so simple, Santa. When Ramirez hits, the Cubs are usually competitive. The NL Central is up for grabs, so a healthy Ramirez could keep the Northsiders in the hunt.
- Please place a force field or indestructible bubble around Starlin Castro. As you know, Cub history is littered with failed prospects. Castro appears to be the real deal, so I don’t want him damaged, injured, scratched, crumpled, inconvenienced, or disturbed in any way. Is that too much to ask?
I know my list is especially long this year, but I’ve been very good. OK, maybe not. But Cub fans have been very good. They keep showing up at the ballpark even though their favorite team disappoints them year after year. They even applaud when automatic outs like Koyie Hill step to the plate. That has to be worth something!
(P.S. I still have the Millennium Falcon you gave me in 1980. Thanks again!)