Dear Mr. Hendry (or whoever has his job in a few weeks),
With Lou Piniella’s upcoming retirement, your proud franchise will need a steady hand behind the wheel in 2011. I am officially offering my services.
True, I’ve never managed in the major leagues, or the minor leagues, or college, or high school. But hey, that didn’t stop Arizona from hiring A.J. Hinch (OK, bad example). Since I don’t have a won/loss record to impress you with, let’s take a closer look at what I bring to the table.
First, I promise to perfect my clichés. I have no problem telling curious reporters that “we’re going to turn this ship around,” or that “we have to take ‘em one game at a time,” or my personal favorite, “we need to learn how to win.” I’ll be a headline-writing machine for your ballclub.
Second, I vow to immediately bench any player who bunts in the first inning. Can your current color commentator and future managerial candidate make such a claim? Mr. Brenly gives away outs like my neighbor gives away tomatoes from his backyard garden. (NOTE: If you like tomatoes, I’d be happy to put in a good word for you.)
Third, my radical plan for the bullpen will take the league by storm. I have no problem using my best reliever in the 7th or 8th inning. It makes no sense to bring in your third best righty to face Albert Pujols with the bases loaded and hope that you still have the lead later. The garage is no place for a sports car (I’ll come up with a better analogy for my first press conference).
Last but certainly not least, Jeff Baker and John Grabow will never see the field on my watch. I’m sure Jeff and John are nice guys who love animals and volunteer time at the local youth center, but they are really bad at baseball. Let’s paint Koyie Hill with that brush as well.
You may take some heat for hiring a 40-year-old fan with no managerial experience, but as my good friend Pete Rose likes to say, “You have to bet big to win big.” Worst case scenario, you’ll knock Ozzie Guillen out of the Chicago news. I’ll even brush up on my Twitter skills for you.
(P.S. My Diamond Mind Baseball team is currently in first place. I have no Cubs on my 25-man roster.)