I ran across this funny fake letter at www.foulball.net:
Hey there my old friends, remember me? It’s me, Jason Marquis. I used to pitch for the Cubs.
Well let me refresh your memories. I came to the team in 2007 as a free agent after signing a nice three-year $21 million contract. While I was in Chicago I won 23 games and threw 358.2 innings over two years as a fifth starter. Yet, for some reason, most of you hated me.
You thought I was overpaid, that I sucked and that I just wasn’t worthy of the “winning” tradition of the Chicago Cubs. Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you for it. Heck, it wasn’t even just you fans who seemed to have a problem with me.
Lou Piniella kept me off the playoff roster in 2007, and only brought me in out of the bullpen for an inning in 2008. We went 0-6 during those two years in the playoffs, so obviously, Lou was correct in this decision.
Then this offseason you traded me to the Colorado Rockies — where I now pitch — for reliever Luis Vizcaino. The same Luis Vizcaino whom you released like three weeks into the season, so essentially, you just gave me away.
From what I read and heard about all of this, most of you seemed to be happy about it. I, the bane of your existence, was gone along with my “huge” contract.
Hey, if you’re happy, I’m happy. No sour grapes here. It’s all kosher. Besides, I have that “huge” contract to keep me company.
And, to be fair, things have worked out pretty well for me in Colorado. I don’t know if you heard, but I made the All-Star team this year. I also lead the Major Leagues in wins with 12 right now, and my 3.50 ERA is pretty nice, no?
And all for the low, low price of $7 million.
How are things working out for your starting pitchers this year by the way? Let’s see.
Carlos Zambrano is making $17.75 million this year, and he has a 6-4 record. That’s half as many victories as I have, and at the price of only $2.95 million per victory so far!
Ted Lilly, my fellow All-Star, is a nice 9-6 on the season, and for only $12 million. That’s a much more economical $1.25 million per victory.
How about Ryan Dempster? Oh, well Ryan’s only 5-5 this season, but in his defense those dugout fences can be really tricky to get around. So I guess we can forgive him somewhat for that $1.6 million per victory price tag.
Rich Harden is 6-6 with a 5.06 ERA. Yeesh, that’s not too good, but at least he’s only costing $1.17 million per victory.
I hope I’m not sounding bitter here. I mean, I do understand why the team had to let me go. My price tag of $583,333 per victory — so far! — is pretty steep, and you did need that money to keep such great players as Alfonso Soriano ($1 million per home run), Kosuke Fukudome ($161,971 per hit) and sign a force like Milton Bradley ($238,095 per RBI).
And it seems to be working out pretty well too. You guys did just win four games in a row from the mighty Washington Nationals and you’re now 47-42, so there’s no question that you’re World Series bound. In Colorado we’re only 50-42 and a half-game behind the Giants for the wild card spot.
You guys are only two games behind the Cardinals for the division lead, and 2.5 games behind the Giants, so it’s only a matter of time before you pass us. You do get to play the Nationals another 30 times right?
So I guess that everything has worked out pretty wonderfully for all of us, and I can’t tell you how great that makes me feel. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, and thank you for loving me enough to spare me another season under the scrutinizing eye of you drunken louts.
Maybe after I get my next “ridiculous” contract this offseason, I can take you all out for some beers.