Sleep easy my boy. It is all bad luck. Close your eyes and whisper to yourself “It’s all about BABIP.” Lay in bed and count Albert Pujols-es, or Adam Dunns or even Raul Ibanez-es and fall asleep…but don’t ask yourself why those guys don’t have this bad luck for a third of the season. Don’t think about how the new guy that you brought in to make all of the bad things go away gets owies simply by running to first base. And even though you know deep down that the guy is a meanie who doesn’t play nice and gets the grown ups mad at him…just pretend that he drives an ice cream truck and makes everyone like him. I know you really don’t expect him to hit a million billion home runs every day, but maybe do something good every once in a while. It can make you sad. So just pretend like it isn’t there.
Don’t worry Timmy everything will be ok. We live in Cubville. It is a fantasy world where everything is happy, and smily, and sunny, and fun. Even though we are really in a scary forest where things never turn out good, we just smile and pretend that everything is fine. There are gumdrops and ice cream cones all over.
What’s that, Timmy? Our best hitter has a really bad owie and we don’t know when or how good he will be when he comes back? Don’t worry we have all of these little superheroes that can take his place named Miles, and Fontenot, and Theriot. They even have cool nicknames like “Little Babe Ruth” and “The Riot.” I know they’re not that good, but this is Cubville. We love guys like that. They are like little princes who walk up to the dragon and stomp on his toes. Just make sure you turn your head away when they get eaten by the dragon.This is Cubville we must stay happy.
We even have all of these guys with grey beards that have not been good enough to come to Cubville when they were younger…when most good guys come to their teams. These guys are named Scales, and Hoffpauir, and even a guy named Fox (Yeah, like the animal…isn’t that funny). These guys are so good with their swords. They swing them and people run away afraid. Just don’t ask them to do anything else. As long as you can swing your sword real hard you can be a king in Cubville.
Who is the jolly guy behind home plate? Did you know that guy won rookie of the year last year? Last year he was so good. Last year he hit a lot. Last year he was a pretty good catcher. Last year he was in the all star game…..oh don’t ask that Timmy. Don’t worry about what is happening this year. We live in Cubville. “This year” we close our eyes and try to be happy. Sometimes we think about last year but last year always makes us sad…always. So we usually like to think about next year around these parts. There is always hope that next year Cubville will be a happy place.
I know you keep having that bad nightmare. The one where our streaky lead off hitter makes everyone happy and falls apart at the end of the story. The one where it looks like you will finally get the “ring” you have longed for forever. Then just when you reach out for it…”my precious”…it is taken away by someone else. Close your eyes and cross your fingers and make a lot of wishes. That can’t happen every year can it?…Can it? Things can’t be as they seem can they? Our first baseman is not declining due to age. He is a Cub, his legend will live forever. Cubs do not grow old. I know most of the guys in that field are pretty mediocre. But just pretend like the guys who were always good are just playing bad for a little while. And pretend like the guys who are not very good will be really good by magic. I know it seems weird to say that the struggling guys will bounce back because that is what the magic numbers say (we call these stats), while at the same time saying that the mediocre guys will not fall back to their mediocre “stats”. Those struggling guys are called scrappy or cute and in Cubville cute and loveable and scrappy matters more than everything else.
Now go to sleep Timmy. Everything will be better in the morning. Soon the sun will shine and the ivy will grow and the girls will be wearing bikini’s. That’s all that mattters. And one day you will be old enough to drink so much magic potion in Cubville that you will not even care that things are so scary here.
Sleep well my boy. And don’t worry about that monster under your bed. He has been there for 101 years.