What can we expect from the new players? I’ll tell you what I think and what his nickname would be if he were a member of Kiss. Keep Paul (Starchild), Gene (the Demon), Ace (isn’t that a nickname already?) and Peter (the Effeminate Cat) in your thoughts. Is it up to you to imagine what each player’s face makeup would look like.

Ted Lilly
I’d guess a 14-11 type, 4.40 ERA season in which he keeps us in games, pitches into the 7th, and provides a left-handed arm for strategic games which could matter once or twice per season. Underwhelming for 10 million a year, but we’ve all been saying that the Cubs have lots of money to spend.
KISS nickname: “Flower Child.” You know, because of the “Lilly” part. Not because of Ted. Ted has nothing to do with flowers, or children. Unless your child is named Ted, in which case that’s what I meant.

<img src=”http://images.protrade.com/headshots/38_48/50309349_38_48.jpg” align=”left” title=”” border=”0″ height = “60”Jason MarquisRothschild thinks he can fix the mechanical flaw that caused Marquis’ awful 2006 line. Seems to me that if you’ve got a guy who had a flaw that needs correcting, you can sign him for less and dump him if it doesn’t work out. Now the team will likely feel obligated to trot him out every 5th day. I see 10-14, 5.00, lots of HR allowed and some really, really ugly innings. Every fourth start will be a 7 IP-2 ER outing, which will keep him from the chopping block all year. Not like that hippopotamic contract would allow any chopping. (Note: After the Marquis Grissom Experience last spring, perhaps we’ll get lucky and this Marquis will get cut…)
KISS nickname: “The Whip” (as in “my career WHIP is 1.43”)

<img src=”http://www.celebopedia.com/soriano/images/alfonso_soriano.jpg” align=”left” title=”” border=”0″ height = “75”Alfonso SorianoThis year and next year will be the golden years of the Alfonso contract. I actually don’t have any worries that he’ll be able to play defense in CF TOO poorly; he’ll cost us 1 or 2 wins all year, but more than make up for it with his bat. He’ll put up great counting stats, poor rate stats, and contribute slightly less than his 45 HR/40 SB season would have you believe. All in all, though, he’ll be a strength.
KISS Nickname: “Lightning Bolt”

Cesar Izturis (still pretty new)
345 at bats of Neifi.
KISS nickname: “Neifi!

Mark DeRosa
We’ll get 2 decent years and one crummy year out of him. He’ll be anything from Mickey Morandini to Jeff Blauser. No matter what he ends up doing, an average Theriot season would have saved us money. He’s not the smelliest turd in the porta-potty, but he’s adding to the overall stench.
KISS nickname “Roadblock”

Daryle Ward
This is the signing that, apart from Soriano, I think will help us the most. The beefiest player since Randall “Beef” Simon could give us a truly fearful bat off the bench. 250 at bats spelling Lee, Murton, and Jones and being a bat in the 9th inning will give us the advantage we thought we were getting last year with John “Maybe Not” Mabry.
“KISS Nickname: “Lipid

Cliff Floyd
The theory, as I understand it, is to sign guys that are ridiculously injury-prone. That way our key guys will stay healthy as guys like Floyd absorb all of the injuries. Right? I mean, it couldn’t be to take away AB from the only guy on the team not named Derrek Lee who can take a pitch and put up an OBP over .340, right?
KISS nickname: “Mr. Glass

What are your KISS nicknames for the rest of the Cubs?

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