Scene: WGN Television studio. The set is the same as that of the Jerry Lewis Telethon. Pat Hughes and Andy McPhail stand on stage in the foreground, while Dusty Baker, Mike Remlinger, Todd Hollandsworth and Jose Macias man a bank of telephones with a giant electronic total board reading $0.00 behind them.
Pat: And we’re back here, live at the 1st annual Chicago Cubs telethon, the proceeds of which go to help in the prevention and cure of Sudden Cubs Bullpen Syndrome. Andy, maybe you could help us out by explaining what this is all about.
McPhail: Well Pat, every year, the Chicago Cubs do their best to put together a top notch pen. And every year, despite one of the highest payrolls in the National League, we fail. Sometimes it’s because of age, sometimes it’s injury, and sometimes it’s just plain insanity. Whichever the case, no lead is safe and our crack medical staff has lumped it all in to one easy diagnosis Sudden Cubs Bullpen Syndrome or SCBS.
Pat: That’s right Andy, and we’re here today to try and raise some money for the Chicago Cubs, in order to help cure the pitchers we have, and maybe splurge on a guy from another team.
Andy: Yes, and I’d first of all like to thank all our great volunteers for manning the phones today. Let’s give them a big hand (McPhail looks back at the volunteers and seems confused), hey, where are Weurtz and Wellemeyer at?
Dusty: Dude, I let Weurtz handle one call, but then brought in Remlinger to take the rest.
McPhail: And Wellemeyer?
Dusty: Dude, who is this Wellemeyer I keep hearing about? If you mean that blond kid, I sent him out to wash my car.
Pat: Well that’s fine, because we’ve got somebody else to man the phones, a man who spends all day on the phone, please welcome Cubs GM Jim Hendry!
Hendry walks on stage, he’s wearing an untucked Polo shirt and his hair isn’t combed
McPhail: As you can see from Jim, this it’s been a grueling day for all of us here, but we’re trying to pull through.
Hendry: Actually, I just got here 5 minutes ago. I’m not tired at all.
McPhail: Then for godssake take a shower and then get back there and man the phones. Anyway, I’d like now to bring a very special guest, someone who has supported us for a long time, and who has some very special young men with him. Please welcome Dr. James Andrews, and Jimmy’s Kids!
Andrews enters, followed by Chad Fox, Scott Williamson, Ryan Dempster and Joe Borowski
Andrews: As you can see, all of these men have been inflicted with SCBS at one time or another, and with the help of everyone out there, they are heading down the path towards recovery.
Andrews pats Chad Fox on the back. Fox’s right arm falls off and clatters to the ground.
Fox: WHY DOES THAT KEEP HAPPENING?!?
Andrews: Don’t worry about it Chad, the 3rd surgery is free.
Borowski suddenly embraces McPhail
Borowski: Mr. McPhail, I just want to thank you so much for all you’ve done to help us!
McPhail recoils from Joe, he’s now drenched in sweat
McPhail: Good Lord Joe! It’s 65 degrees in this studio, what is wrong with you?
Borowski: Sorry, I sweat when I’m nervous, or tired, or hungry or…
McPhail: Well our time is almost up here, and we haven’t hit our goal, so I guess it’s time for my big heartfelt speech.
Suddenly, LaTroy Hawkins bursts on stage. He’s bug eyed as usual, and wearing a sweater vest
Hawkins: Get lost McPhail, you can’t do my job, but I sure as hell can do yours. People out there, I want to take a look at this pathetic waste of bullpen and dig down deep. And not just for us, but for the Mark Prior’s and Greg Maddux’s and Carlos Zambrano’s, who will each lose several wins a year due to our complete suckitude.
A phone rings, Jim Hendry grabs it
Hendry: Hello? Would you like to donate to help stop SCBS? Please, for the love of god, don’t hang up!
Derrek Lee: Hi, it’s Derrek Lee, I’d like to make a pledge of 5 million dollars to the cause.
Hendry: 5 million dollars?!? Derrek Lee, YOU HAVE JUST SAVED THE CUBS BULLPEN!
Lee: Wouldn’t be the first time.