There once was a man who lived long ago in the United States. One of two boys in the family, he lived his life in the shadow of his older brother. Everything he did was always compared to his brother. No matter what he did, he brother always seemed to do it better and get all the praise. His brother had nicer clothes, nicer toys, and everything the brother wanted, he received. The younger brother worked very hard for everything he had, yet it never felt like it was enough.
One day, the man was browsing the local newspaper when he came upon an ad for a used car, a red Dodge Viper. Reading the ad, it seemed too good to be true. It was a beautiful car, based on the picture in the paper, and the details also seemed spectacular. He quickly called the number listed, hands shaking as he dialed. He thought to himself as the phone rang, “Could this finally be my chance to outshine my brother?” When the owner picked up, the man quickly expressed his interest in the car. After hearing the owner drone on about the vast amount of other people who had contacted him about the car, the man quickly requested a meeting to discuss price.
On his way to the meeting, the man’s thoughts continued to wander back to the fact that he could finally get the praise he deserved and drastically craved. Pulling up the house, he saw his dream car. After some small talk, the owner and the man decided on a price for the automobile, $50,000 to be paid in monthly increments to the owner over a period of four years. The man was weary about the steep price but hesitently agreed. He asked the man if he would be willing to let him take the car to the mechanic before signing the contract. Immeadiately the owner became very defensive and short with the man. “Why do you need to do that? Don’t you see how much of a steal you are getting with this deal?” said the owner. The man was hesitant but again asked for the opportunity to bring the car to the mechanic. Again the owner declined, this time more angry and defensive than before, bringing up the fact that a vast number of other people have already contacted him about the car. He told the man to quit wasting his time if he wasn’t serious about the car. He offered the man the opportunity to take the car for a quick test drive. In the end, the man decided to sign on the dotted line and the deal was done. He was finally going to outdo the older brother and be the benefactor of enourmous praise and envy.
In case you hadn’t heard, Omar Minaya of the New York Mets signed Pedro Martinez yesterday to a huge deal, despite the pitcher’s history of injury and rumors speculating that he has a tear in his labrum. When Minaya asked Pedro to have an MRI as part of the physical, Pedro and his agent essentially acted as the owner of the automobile and laughed in the man’s face, instead offering to take a simple strength test to demonstrate health. Minaya, like the clueless pansy he is, wanting only to outdo his older brother organization the Yankees, reluctantly agreed to this request.
Minaya, you’re clueless, which makes me happy. Maybe, just maybe, you REALLY ARE dumb enough to take Sammy Sosa. Thank you for uplifting my hope once again.