View From The Bleachers

Talking Cubs Baseball Since 2003

Thursday

31

August 2017

29

COMMENTS

GirlieView (08/31/2017)

Written by , Posted in General

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely, and/or interesting quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’ers: Those with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2017 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • Hyde: The aren’t paying attention. Steal second base.
    Lackey: What?
    Hyde: You can do it. Steal second base.
    Lackey: I have no idea what you mean.
    Hyde: Run to the big sugar cube over there.
  • Think anyone has moved their business to the Village of Bedford Park yet?
  • I have very little faith in this bullpen, Rondon, Rodny, Rodo, Rooddo or whatever they call him needs to go out to pasture
  • I call him Rondon’t when he is coming in…and Rondidn’t when he is leaving.
  • I’d rather call him a Cardinal.
  • A Lucky Lackey with a check mark in the win column trumps a talented loser with a less woeful countenance.
  • In the post game interview, Joe Maddon said “Sure, we could have played better, but any time you split a series with a great team like the Red Sox, you should be happy.” At that point, someone whispered in his ear, and he said “Really? Never mind” and he went to his office to think of motivational slogans.
  • Jon Lester left the game in pain, apparently from having his balls pounded.
  • And Rondidn’t again. (Sorry for repeating your own joke back to you, but it’s so good)
  • Today, the Blue Jays are in a town, and yes, Happ is pitching, setting up a potential aneurysm in the broadcasting booth.
  • If he doesn’t go to the DL, then I’ll take it as the injury was his ego, getting pounded again so soon after the 10-run 1st he coughed up a while back, and no one coming out to stop it. At least walking off with the trainer gives it the veneer of, it wasn’t him, he was hurrrt.
  • Yeah. Torn labia.
  • THED: Mr Rickets, we have a problem.
    MR RICKETS: What? Make it fast, Mrs Rickets and Donna are taking me over to Mr Beef for an Italian with hot peppers, love those hot peppers.
    THED: We have a leaker. This bozo Raker on the View is getting our intel. We have a leaker or we are being wire tapped.
    MR RICKETS: A spy eh. Hmm. What kind of intel has been compromised?
    THED: Our marketing, Len and JD’s talking points and directives, they have everyone listening to the opposing broadcast because Lens shill routine is so obvious. Last year there was very little to cover up but this year with all of our flaws Len has to cover up too much. Len doesn’t really know since he doesn’t really know good baseball from bad baseball but these punks over at the View know and they are calling us out with great accuracy. It is as if they are hear listening to us.
    MR RICKETS: You gotta admit that Raker nails it sometimes, and Sherm with that wit, funny stuff. I think we should hire the Cap’n, he seems to know everything about baseball. That JSwan character is a Lizzie gatherer, he is like Rizzo verse Reds pitching, dropping in for Lizzie’s whenever anyone sets him up. Those dudes are funny and seem to know their Cubs baseball. I wouldn’t worry too much, they are fringe, it’s not like they reach 10 million viewers.
    THED: Their following is growing, they have people in Toronto, Vancouver , Indiana all over the continent really. Our brand can take a hit with our intel being compromised.
    MR RICKETS: Yes I see, and the Wilson Avila trade didn’t help. Did Wilson ever get anyone out in Detroit? I haven’t seen him have a shutdown inning yet.
    THED: Wilson. Our metrics let us down on this trade but the ladies do like Avila’s beard.
    MR RICKETS: I gotta go, we will figure out a plan of action on this spy thing later. Mrs Rickets and Donna are here. Oh no, Donna brought her husband. That guy talks with his mouth full and spits food all over, I am not sitting across from him.
    THED: Very well sir, enjoy your beef.
  • You’ll have to be Jerry in Missouri to see the full deal.
  • Lester was diagnosed with “left lat tightness.” Len said, “Lat? That’s, uh…” J.D. came to his rescue with “latissimus dorsi.” An emboldened Len charged forth with, “behind your shoulder, right?”
  • So what are we to take away from this game? I don’t know. We didn’t really learn anything we didn’t already know. The Cubs swing for the fences a lot and sometimes they connect. Their defense isn’t so great. Their pitching isn’t that great a lot of the time. They give up runs, and sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don’t. This is a simple game. You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes, it rains.
  • I wish it had rained yesterday.
  • Let me translate: Jon Lester placed on the 10-day DL so the Cubs don’t look like they abused the injury sub rule in a blowout, plus his feelings were kinda hurt and he was mad at Bosio for some reason (probably for not huffing and puffing out there to pat him on the head), but David Kaplan says he was just mad at his defense for not being able to keep up with that many balls in play.
  • At Lester’s news conference today, he said the injury has been nagging him for some time and it was finally time to put the team ahead of himself and go on the DL (my paraphrase). If anyone believes that then they’re drinking the Kool-Aid.
  • Better discipline and more hustle makes Baez a first ballot hall of famer. I doubt we’ll see it, but it’s fun to ponder.
  • LEN: I love the bat flip partner.
    JD; Not so much, pitchers don’t like bat flips, it tends to upset us.
    LEN: But it is so exciting, watching the bat twirl around in the air like that.
    JD: A guy goes 1 for 9 against you and the 1 hit is a bomb and he flips his bat. That doesn’t go over well with us pitchers.
    LEN: I love it on mothers day weekend when they are all using pink bats. When the pink bat goes flipping into the air, so exciting.
    JD: Something is wrong with Lester, he is getting hit and doesn’t seem comfortable.
    LEN: I wish I flipped the bat in Little League.
    JD; Lester just called out for the trainer. This doesn’t look good.
    LEN: I only had that 1 home run in Minor C and it wasn’t over the fence. It was a 4 base error but back then you called it a home run. I should of flipped the bat but how was I to know I would get a 4 base error.
    JD: Lester is coming out of the game. This doesn’t look good.
    LEN: I ‘m bored. When is this game going to be over. No one has even flipped a bat yet.
    JD; Looks like Maddon is bringing in Mr Mike Montgomery. We will need him to stretch out a little bit today.
    LEN: I like when Pete Townshend would flip his guitar, he was so cool. The first guitar flipper I ever saw.
    JD: 8-0 Reds, lots of game left and the wind is howling out so we aren’t out of it yet.
    LEN: Baba ORielly, it’s just a teenage waste land. What’s a lat? Oh never mind. I am so bored.
  • See – here’s the thing….I don’t know if you made that up or those numbskulls actually said it.
  • I don’t pull Arrieta in the 7th with 88 pitches. I know Edwards got it done, but to me? Jake at that point is still better than anyone in the pen. I leave him in. Edwards gets the 8th and Strop can save his energy for Baez’s homer dance.
  • JESSICA MENDOZA: I love the nick name jersey. David Freese is Dave Human because he has a dog named Dave the Dog so his nickname is Dave the Human. We get to learn all these great things about these players with their nicknames.
    MLB MARKETING EXEC #1: Mendoza is shilling the nickname jerseys very well.
    MLB MARKETING EXEC #2: It’s as if she really believes that the nickname jerseys are cool.
    MLB ACCOUNTING EXEC: We are projecting $3.4 M in revenue with these new nick name jerseys in just the first week.
    MLB MARKETING EXEC #1: We don’t need to tell people that.
    JESSICA MENDOZA:Line out to Dex or Dexter Fowler. His first name is Dexter so they shortened it to Dex for his nickname. It’s so cool to think he doesn’t have to use the second syllable in his name, they just use the first syllable , Dex, instead of the whole 2 syllables. If I ever made the big leagues I wanted to be called Jess, instead of Jessica which is 3 syllables. Three syllables is just too many for a big league club house. OH LOOK, the big leaguers are shaking hands like the little leaguers do. SO COOL, HISTORIC, SPECIAL.
    MLB MARKETING EXEC #2; Jess is a Sap, that’s one syllable, SAP.
    MLB MARKETING EXEC #1: Sap fans are our ATM’s, our Pay Pals, our cash cows.
    MLB MARKETING EXEC #2: Cash, not Johnny but payola is our nicknames, three syllables PAY O LA
  • Not to be outdone, Jays closer Roberto Osuna promptly asked someone to hold his Molson. I have a hard time imagining a worse inning pitched by a closer (and I remember the Carlos Marmol days).
  • While I love the Home Runs, and he has hit some clutch ones, I am always wondering, “why didn’t they just throw a slider two feet off the plate?”
  • Different sport, but greatest line to an official ever was Jim Valvano. Ref said to him “One more word and I’m tossing you.” Valvano says “Can I think something?” Ref says “you can think whatever you want.” Valvano says “I think you stink” and voila’…he’s tossed. Classic.
  • who knew that the key to winning was striking out on really bad pitches
  • I had to laugh at the headline “Cubs Manage A Sweep.” I don’t believe management had anything to do with it.
  • Len and JD didn’t seem bothered….and continued their discussion of the evening’s Better Than Ezra acoustic show in Evanston.
  • Welcome to the shit show
  • Ben pointed out that the offensive title might be a little much for the “young’uns” on this site (sorry, Eddie, I know you were protecting Junior.) I recommend that those of you reading it to your children, as many, many families do together with this blog, you replace “shit show” with “doo doo exhibition.”
  • Junior can shield his eyes with protective eye wear. Likewise his ears. Or, when I read it out loud before dinner, I can jumble the words at the bad spots.
  • Wait, kids *aren’t* supposed to know words like that? I might be doing this Dad thing wrong…
  • Mean while Len and JD were trying to figure out the number of letters on the back of today’s pitching match up. Someone needs to send those guys an abacus.
  • Some of us still read the top part.
  • A 2.5 game lead in late August isn’t a lock for the postseason.
  • By winning the World Series the Cubs set the bar high. Why would we want to go back to the 108 year drought banter? Besides, the Johnsons’ are no longer with us (RIP) so we don’t have anybody to argue with.
  • Satyr: one of a class of lustful, drunken woodland gods
  • We are realist here at tVFTB. We don’t buy in to Len’s talking points on autopilot, we fly our own thoughts and opinions. Sometimes I am right and sometimes you are wrong when you don’t agree with me.
  • First inning Kyle Schwarber, batting second. First pitch: takes a fastball straight down the middle. Second pitch: swings and misses at a slider, down out of the zone. Third: whiffs badly on another slider, this one in the zone. The Reds announcer proclaimed, “Boy he just worked over Schwarber in that at bat.”
  • And I won’t hold the brain trust without fault here–Schwarber had NO reason to come back up from Iowa.
  • Spot on. He should have played the entire SEASON at AAA. He needs work defensively, and oh by the way? He’s the worst hitter in the national league.
  • Schwarber really is just running around out there with a glove on, and has no idea how to field that position.
  • They will be a postseason embarrassment if they get there unless changes happen…
  • I think there are 184 million reasons they are starting Heyward.
  • Sure, but 183,999,994 of them have to do with defense.
  • Please let me know if any of you purchase one of these cheesy nick name jerseys so I can mark you down as a dumbass.
  • John Kruk in the Phillies booth said, “When is the last time you saw a guy hitting at the top of the line up get sent down and then when he came back up he hits at the top of the order again, Schwarber is hitting .199. Amazing.”
  • I see them getting swept in the NLDS. After that, we will constantly hear how happy we should be because the Cubs made the playoffs in back to back years.
  • I can totally see that. “Hey – the Cubs just won the NL Central 2 years in a row. Be happy. See you at Cubs Convention.”

Lizard

  • The only thing more frustrating than a bad team is a team that is not playing up to its potential. That is the 2017 Cubs in a nutshell.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout out to Bob Ubriaco for his first 2017 In-Season Lizzie!!! Thanks for being here!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Sherm, Doc Raker, and Michael Stevens, our Most Valuable Lizzie-ers this time around! Thank you all for everything you contribute here!

Top 10 of the 2017 Season

(one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Sherm
2. Doc Raker
3. cap’n realist
4. Eddie von White
5. jswanson
6. Doug S.
6. Michael Stevens
8. Adam Peters
9. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Seymour

Chit Chat

Big Toe Joe popped in the other day to ask us where we stand on the Cubs and their post season chances. I tallied up the opinions and here’s the VFTB Verdict:

  • No playoffs = 1 vote
  • Win Division then ? = 1 vote
  • Win Division, Lose NLDS = 7 votes
  • Win NLDS then ? = 2 votes
  • Win NLDS Lose NLCS = 3 votes
  • Make WS = 1 vote
  • Lose WS = 1 vote
  • Win WS = 0 votes

Very interesting! What changes do you feel the Cubs need to make between now and then to increase your confidence level?

  • Michael S.

    They could start by figuring out time travel, going back to a point before they: a) signed Brett Anderson, b) didn’t DFA Lackey, and c) didn’t send Schwarber down to Iowa to stay when it became clear he was overmatched.

  • Ben

    I guess my name in a Lizzie kinda counts right? Lol

  • Doug S.

    I’d like to see less Jekyll & Hyde. Using 2 games in Philly to illustrate, we went from scores of 1-7 to 17-2 back to back. More Jekyll or more Hyde, whoever wins more games.

    • Sherm

      I’m dating myself, but they remind me more of Heckle and Jeckle

      • And I’m equally dated because I know them.

      • Brad Lyerla

        But do you remember Amos ‘n Andy?

      • Not quite as well! ?

      • Doug S.

        Funny how I can misunderstand a post. At first read I thought Sherm was going with the Jekyll/Hyde thing and saying he was dating himself. Just before I asked how the relationship was going, I clued in, I think.

      • Sherm

        Yours is WAY funnier. Wish I’d thought of it!

      • Bet your wife would also get a kick out of Doug’s interpretation!

  • Sherm

    HOLY HELL – I just saw tonight’s line up, and with the exception of Penne Rivera (yes, CAPS, it’s a pasta joke) it looks like we could have made out that line up card! I’m not sure, but I think Joe Maddon is scared of Karen Hirsch. Probably.

    • Jerry in Wisconsin

      It is good to see a full line-up behind Hendricks, Sometimes I believe Maddon doesn’t want to give Hendricks any run, or defessive support.

    • Bryzzo1744

      Who’s a pastafarian?

    • Eddie Von White

      I’m scared of Karen Hirsch.

      • Doug S.

        Who isn’t? We’d all be on a bus out of town.

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    I would like to see all of the starters, except Lackey who I have given up on, have multiple quality starts, and the offense regularly score more runs than they have strike outs.

    • Michael S.

      10 runs per game plus is a hard thing to accomplish. Could bring that down to 7 if Schwarber sits, 5 if you want to keep Baez out (but who’d want to?)

  • Doc Raker

    Lizzie- we need a magic number for Sherm. How many Lizzie’s back am I from Sherm? Do I have a chance of catching him or am I mathematically eliminated. Donna called and wants to know.

    • Eddie Von White

      Save your breath. You’re never going to catch him this late in the season.

      • Momma Raker

        That Sherm fellow must be using the steroids or something. He can’t possibly be THAT much more cleverer than my son, the Doctor. Well, you know what I mean. Kinda doctor.

        Sign my petition. Test Sherm.

      • “the steroids” Lol

      • Eddie’s right, sorry Doc. You (and everyone else) are mathematically eliminated from the (no-prize) trophy spot but all other positions in the top ten are still up for grabs!

      • Seymour Butts

        I’m thinking there is an inadvertent East coast bias here. By the time I read most of the comments I would like to answer with funny stuff, someone that sees the sun before I do has already done so.
        Of course it could be that I’ve been quite busy the last few months. I don’t pretend to be funnier than Sherm, but Raker? come on, he just panders.

      • Ummmm Butts? Raker is on your coast.

      • Eddie Von White

        If it was important enough to you, you would get up before everyone and get the Lizzie’s. Sounds to me like a priority issue. Hmm… let’s see … do I get my rest so I can save that guys life tomorrow or do I impress those VFTB doofuses with my uncommon wit? Seems like an obvious choice to me.

      • Doc Raker

        Wit is certainly uncommon with Seymour

      • Seymour Butts

        Doofus lives matter.

      • Eddie Von White

        Doofuses lives matter too.

      • Doc Raker

        Correct, you are a victim of the time zone conspiracy. It has nothing to do with you, you are just a victim. Don’t look in the mirror , don’t make an effort to be better or wittier because you can’t be. You are a downtrodden oppressed west coaster that is playing in a rigged system. Your party would be proud of you, you created another victim class. Maybe they will erect a statue of you or give you the privilege of tearing one down.