View From The Bleachers

Talking Cubs Baseball Since 2003



August 2017



GirlieView (08/17/2017)

Written by , Posted in General

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely, and/or interesting quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’ers: Those with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2017 Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.


  • Perhaps the team was distressed that I had to stay up watching this game
  • Honestly, what the hell is wrong with those two?
  • They also had a grand time with Justin Wilson pitching to Willson Contreras because, hey, that’s got nothing to do with baseball but kills time.
  • As bad as Schwarber’s defense looks on TV, it is far worse to see it in person.
  • If I am not mistaken, our own fearless leader and consumer of Rum Chata, Joe, was at the game on the 1st. Brad was at the game on the second. Joe = 16 runs. Brad = 0. Brad? You are grounded from games until further notice. Joe? You are moving back to Chicago.
  • Make up something totally stupid and say that Len Kasper said it. No one will question it and it’ll spark conversation.
  • THED: “Well Mr Rickets, we have an issue we need to address to the fans. Apparently it was obvious Genius Joe was upset with Contreras attempting to bunt yesterday.
    MR RICKETS: “Don’t we like on base percentage? He was trying to get on base, a job well done I would say.”
    THED: Willson is our clean up hitter and he was the tying run at the time late in the game. He already had 2 home runs and an RBI single. He has been crushing the ball since we traded Miggy the finger pointer. We needed him to square one up again, not bunt.
    MR RICKETS: Oh, the Javy Baez swing for the fences method at all times every swing, I see.
    THED: No sir, not at all times but at this time a big hit is what we needed. It could of been The Contreras game, kinda like the June 23 1984 Sandberg game. Contreras leads the Cubs comeback with 3 bombs and 8 RBI’s but he trys to bunt in a crucial situation. The fans know he was going idiot there, they know Genius Joe was befuddled. We need to get some talking points out there to calm the fans. We need to get out ahead of this thing before everyone is talking about…..(looks around and whispers)…. The Low Baseball IQ issue
    MR RICKETS: I see. How about we admit Genius Joe wanted him swinging away and not bunting and leave it at that. Don’t dwell on it, don’t break it down. Just admit the minimum and move on.
    THED: OK sir. Just to be clear you are giving us clearance on admitting a Cub did something wrong.
    MR RICKETS: Yes, go ahead and admit it. Just don’t linger on and on about it, move on to the Flinstones or the new Harry Styles song, Mrs Rickets loves those 1D kids. Her and Donna want to organize a 1D reunion show here at Wrigley on our next road trip. That Donna is a fun girl, her husband not so much.
    THED: Len, JD- we got clearance. Go ahead and admit Genius Joe didn’t want Willson bunting in that situation. But no other admittance and don’t dwell on it, move onto the Harry Styles new release or something else quickly.
    LEN: Willson did what?
    THED: JD, explain it to Len.
    HARRY CAREY: Rolled over in his grave as he mumbles, “I just don’t understand.”
  • Jackson wasn’t the most popular Cub (for $37 million reasons)
  • THED: Mr Rickets sir, how should we address the Javy Baez Low Baseball IQ issue?
    MR RICKETS: What low IQ?
    THED: Javy doesn’t have good at bats. He hits a bomb and then strikes out 10 times on pitches not even close to the plate.
    MR RICKETS: Have Len and JD said anything on air about it?
    THED: No sir, they ignore it. But it is getting to the point that even the soccer fans from Europe that know nothing about the game of baseball and are just visiting Wrigley Field are booing Javy, they seem to understand the ……(looks around and whispers) Low Baseball IQ issue.
    MR RICKETS: What has Genius Joe done?
    THED: Nothing, he just stands in the dugout sipping coffee looking befuddled.
    MR RICKETS: Why don’t we say he is young will learn as he matures. We did a good job marketing Schwarbers defenses improvements so i don’t think anyone even noticed his misplays the other day. Mrs Rickets and Donna didn’t even wince when he kicked that ball and gave up a crucial run.
    THED: That’s what we have been saying. Genius Joe said he will be mature in 2019 but Javy seems to be pretty stubborn, it’s like he is programmed this one way. “The term Reptile Brain is being used for him”
    MR RICKETS: I like reptiles, the way they slow down when it is cold is fascinating. We should all slow down in the winter a bit. Donna and her husband have that awesome holiday party, never liked the husband but Donna is a great cook.
    THED: Yes, reptiles are fascinating sir but back to the Baez (whipsers) Low IQ issue.
    MR RICKETS: OK, let’s do this. Don’t explain anything to Len since it’s over his head in the first place and let JD say it is OK for Javy to cut his swing down to make more contact. Have JD say the coaches are working with Javy to make more contact and have better pitch selection.
    THED: OK sir. Just ot be clear. Talk about the coaching.
    MR RICKETS: Yes, talk about the coaching but don’t get frustrated on air. Have JD play along with Len on whatever idiotic topic he is on. Ignore and talk the minimum about the need for improvement. Now if you will excuse me I have tea waiting for me in the sun room with Mrs Rickets and her friend Donna.
    THED: JD- the coaches are working with Javy on pitch selection and making more contact. Leave it at that. Don’t explain anything to Len, let him keep babbling about non sense so the fans don’t get frustrated.
    JD- Yes sir
  • Its hard to say why even the better arms in the rotation are getting touched up, but it’s something that definitely won’t fly if/when October baseball rolls around.
  • I simply do not understand Joe’s dislike for good defense. I’m almost expecting a Schwarber-Zobrist-Contreras outfield in the future.
  • this year the offense has been so anemic that Joe seems all too ready to fill out the lineup card with lesser defenders in order to try to generate some runs.
  • I would (and have) also argue that the misplacement of defenders contributes to the lack of offense. Schwarber is out there hoping nothing comes his way and is too rattled about playing out of position that it messes with his hitting and overall approach. The same can be said about others when they have to play out of position (see Zobrist, Ben).
  • The TV feed replayed the Rizzo clank play several times and it clearly showed the ball clanking off Rizzo’s glove which Len and JD then said……………………….nothing. Len and JD ignored the clank play like good soldiers. Nothing to see here, stop showing the replays, move along folks.
  • When is the last time Rizzo went yard in a close game?
  • 2013?
  • A Tuesday.
  • Even though the baseball sucked, I would like to thank Sherm, Micheal, and Doug for providing us content to comment on.
  • Note to Genius Joe: It’s hard to have fun when you are getting your ass kicked no matter what you wear.
  • In 2016 Maddon’s focus was to distract the team from feeling the weight of the wait, as Sherm aptly termed the championship wait. But in 2017 the focus needs to be sustained excellence and a continuation of development.
  • Totally agree with the themed trips crap. I’m sure they were somewhat fun at first, but I’m guessing the novelty has worn off, especially the way this year has went. If you wanna mix it up? Make it “wear what you wanna wear” themed. No restrictions.
  • Javy stood and admired his triple for a good 2 seconds before actually running. Impressive as the inside the Parker might have been, the play at the plate was far too close. A coach would pull him aside and let him know that.
  • I think Genius Joe reads this blog, not so sure about Big Toe Joe
  • Toe hasn’t showed his face since Liz dropped the F bomb. I think we’re dead to him.
  • Following this years version of the cubs is maddening. I don’t really mean that as a pun.
  • The cubs have always been bad on the west coast. I always thought that was just because they were a bad team in the past.
  • shouldn’t the Funky Bunch still be paying you enough royalties that you don’t have to scrape by with commercials?
  • Shitty hitting in situations that call for intelligence and a seemingly sub-zero batting average with RISP. Or should that simply be RIP, since this season is dying slowly.
  • All I wanna know is if these jerseys entitle the teams to pizza and juice boxes after the game.
  • Koji Uehara – (I have to use Cap’n’s nickname for him) Uehitmeharda
  • Baez KKHRKK
  • I’m enjoying the LLWS – it’s great to see solid fundamental baseball, players who care, humility, sportsmanship…and a backstop without constantly changing advertisements.
  • The AZ broadcasters were stunned that he (or anyone, for that matter) would EVER throw Baez a strike.
  • When Maddon brought in Almora to ph for Schwarber in the 8th, Brenly said “The applause you heard when Almora was announced as a pinch hitter came from Kyle Schwarber.”
  • He’s at 7 consecutive strike outs and counting. He must be still playing everyday because of his defense. Wait. What?
  • Non Cub news, since I don’t give a shit about the minors and it’s my post
  • what could we possibly get for him at this point? His stock has to be in the Schitter.
  • Help Wanted: Infielders Apply Inside at 1060 W. Addison
  • I wouldn’t think I’d be this unsure of being in the postseason, in mid-August, right after winning the whole enchilada, but…these are odd times.
  • [Schwarber] needs help. Joe, where are you?
  • I believe the hand injury has made Bryant a better hitter. Maybe we should break one of Rizzo’s fingers.
  • So much physical talent there, so little mentally.
  • Len said that is a song, “So much physical talent, so little Mentally” a country song, at the end of the song you will want to be drunk.


  • I remember when our pitchers got a lot of people out with good defense behind them. I remember it was fun.

Shout Outs

  • No one had their very first 2016/2017 Off-Season Lizzie this time so let’s have a shout out for everyone! Thanks for being here!


  • Congratulations to (tied) Doc Raker and Sherm, Michael Stevens, and Brad Lyerla our Most Valuable Lizzie-ers this time around! Thank you all for everything you contribute here!

Top 10 of the 2017 Season

(one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard)

1. Sherm
2. Doc Raker
3. cap’n realist
4. Eddie von White
4. jswanson
6. Doug S.
7. Michael Stevens
7. Adam Peters
9. Jerry in Wisconsin
10. Seymour

Chit Chat

  • What are your honest expectations for the Cubs in the post-season? I’m a card-carrying optimist and I know what I hope will happen, but realistically I am not expecting much based on the Cubs notable lack of execution paired with the performance of other teams this year. What say you?
  • Bryzzo1744

    Anyone can win once October starts, but I’m putting my chances on them getting there at 75%. If we can get in, we can do some major damage.

    • Jerry in Wisconsin

      I see Lester and Hendricks starting to do their part, but we need one more starter to show up, and we need our batters to stop playing hit and miss depending on the day for any major damage to be a possibility.

      • Kyle

        You jinxed Lester today.

      • Jerry in Wisconsin

        Let’s hope the back injury is minor and only needs rest, so Lester is strong for the playoffs.

      • Bryzzo1744

        Lat tightness

      • Bryzzo1744

        Agreed 100%. We have the talent to do major damage, it’s on them to execute now.

  • Doug S.

    Great work, folks.
    The optimistic side of me says the Cubs get super hot mid-Sept, steamroll into the post season and cause serious damage.
    The other side of me says…

  • Kyle

    Lester leaves 2nd with apparent injury after giving up 8 runs. It took that long to realize something was wrong??!!

    • Hopefully the “apparent injury” only involves his ego.

  • Bryzzo1744

    Hey hey! The Reds have blown a 9-0 lead and we’re tied!

  • Michael S.

    I’m…shocked at what I’m watching right now…

    • Doug S.

      No shit – Craziness.

  • Doug S.

    Our old “throwpitcherunderbus” buddy Miggy just had his 1000th career strikeout. Shame.

  • Sherm

    I did not see yesterday’s game. Thankfully.

    But I’ll write the recap for you, anyway. Here goes: They Sucked.

    You don’t come back from a 9 – 1 deficit and lose the game. It just doesn’t happen. The team who comes storming back? They win the game. It’s how the sports Gods drew it up. Remember the Super Bowl? Did anyone in the world – including ALL of Atlanta – really think the Patriots WOULD NOT win that game once they came storming back and put themselves in a position to win? NOPE. Because it doesn’t happen.

    It’s called MOMENTUM. It’s a thing. It’s big in sports. They said to Maddon “You had Mo!” And he went on to tell about coaching Mo Vaughn with the Angels. LSD flashbacks are sad.

    In the post game interview, Joe Maddon said “Sure, we could have played better, but any time you split a series with a great team like the Red Sox, you should be happy.” At that point, someone whispered in his ear, and he said “Really? Never mind” and he went to his office to think of motivational slogans.

    Jon Lester left the game in pain, apparently from having his balls pounded.

    Some guy named Phillip Ervin, playing in his fifth major league game, cemented his place in the Cincinnati baseball hall of fame by hitting two homers. He was taken in for questioning after the game about the untimely murder of momentum.

    Score ten on the Reds and LOSE. Someone explain that to me.

    In really important news, though, Kyle Schwarber has finally taken this batting average over the Mendoza line. The Mendoza family rejoices and Aaron Boone drinks tequila shots from Jessica’s belly button, which is reportedly, a very deep “innie.”

    Also, Mike Montgomery’s hitting streak came to and end.

    Today, the Blue Jays are in a town, and yes, Happ is pitching, setting up a potential aneurysm in the broadcasting booth.

    I’m starting a petition to get JD transferred to radio and Coomer to TV so that Kasper and Coomer can try to out-idiot one another. At least THAT might be entertaining. The baseball is not…

    • Jerry in Wisconsin

      Coomer’s problem might be that he has been around Len too much, he might be foolish enough to believe Len is popular just because he is on TV. Someone had better show Coomer this web site, he might then wake up to reality.

    • Kyle

      And Rondidn’t again. (Sorry for repeating your own joke back to you, but it’s so good)

      • Sherm

        Trust me – nothing is more flattering. I like my stuff even better when someone else says it!

        That bullpen has too much talent to be as poor as it is as a group. One thing that Theo and his team does really well is evaluate talent and bring in people who SHOULD be able to perform. What we are seeing is those people being used to a level of under-performance in epic proportion. ON BOTH SIDES OF THE BALL. Heads should roll (figuratively, CAPS, come out from under the bed.) I really think that in light of this season? Even if you HAVE to keep Maddon because he’s popular? Fire the entire coaching staff. This team was the odds on favorite to win the WS this year. I realize that’s a tall order, but them playing .500 ball this season should be considered tantamount to the Patriots playing .500 ball this season. The difference? Bill Belichick will NOT let that happen. I use the Pats as a benchmark here because I think that it fits, talent-wise.

      • Bryzzo1744

        I prefer to use the Spurs. Shut up and go about your business. The only crappy year they’ve had since David Robinson entered the NBA was the year he broke his foot. Said crappy season as a result of said injury got them the #1 pick in the draft to get Tim Duncan.

      • Sherm

        You shut up

      • Bryzzo1744

        Up yours!

      • Bryzzo1744

        Also I don’t agree with the notion that you have to keep Maddon. I don’t care about popularity. You get another winning manager and the fans won’t care.

    • Ohhhhh Len and JD are downright giddy this morning thinking of Happ v. Happ.

      • Sherm

        We should have a drinking game set up. Two shots of tequila (no Jessica Mendoza required) for each of the following:

        Hapless (what are you when Ian goes on the DL?)

        Haphazard (when you face J.A. and you’re down 0-2)

        Happenstance (when Ian is at bat)

        Happ Squared

        Happy-Happy, and possibly even a Pharrell Williams reference.

        Oh, fuck it. I’m starting now…

      • Michael S.

        At least one Bud Light Fan-Cam will be accompanied by Pharrell Williams. I’m…*almost* willing to put money on it.

      • Doug S.

        Just you mentioning Jessica required tequila. Thanks.

  • Brad Lyerla

    Missed the game. Is Lester OK?

    • Michael S.

      Seeing speculation he’s off to DL-land, but nothing from the team, really.

      If he doesn’t go to the DL, then I’ll take it as the injury was his ego, getting pounded again so soon after the 10-run 1st he coughed up a while back, and no one coming out to stop it. At least walking off with the trainer gives it the veneer of, it wasn’t him, he was hurrrt.

      • Bingo.

      • cap’n realist

        Yeah. Torn labia.

      • Sherm

        Those hurt.


      • Seymour Butts

        Need more specificity to answer.

    • Junior Von White

      Hasn’t been OK all year…

  • Doug S.

    Well, that wasn’t fun, was fun, really wasn’t fun. Lester’s horrible day aside and maybe I’m being unfair, but have had the limit with Strop & Rondon. I hear Saskatchewan will give us a bag of hockey pucks for the pair. Deal.

    Almost 3 years ago we walked into Toronto and got shellacked. 0-8, 2-9 & 1-11. Turner, Arrieta and Hendricks started. This time we’re throwing Arrieta, Quintana and Hendricks at them. Revenge time boys.

  • Adam Peters

    I did write yesterday’s recap. Don’t know why Joe hasn’t posted it. I had it in on time and everything.

    • Michael S.

      I would say it happens, but with all the Happ-puns below, I’m not sure that’s wise.

    • I published it Adam. I’m not sure what’s up with Joe.

      Y’all can hit me up at lizzie (at) if you pend something, but I’ll try to remember to look every morning even if you don’t tell me. Sorry if yoire feeling your efforts are being ignored. We truly are grateful. xoxoxo

  • Doc Raker

    THED: Mr Rickets, we have a problem.
    MR RICKETS: What? Make it fast, Mrs Rickets and Donna are taking me over to Mr Beef for an Italian with hot peppers, love those hot peppers.
    THED: We have a leaker. This bozo Raker on the View is getting our intel. We have a leaker or we are being wire tapped.
    MR RICKETS: A spy eh. Hmm. What kind of intel has been compromised?
    THED: Our marketing, Len and JD’s talking points and directives, they have everyone listening to the opposing broadcast because Lens shill routine is so obvious. Last year there was very little to cover up but this year with all of our flaws Len has to cover up too much. Len doesn’t really know since he doesn’t really know good baseball from bad baseball but these punks over at the View know and they are calling us out with great accuracy. It is as if they are hear listening to us.
    MR RICKETS: You gotta admit that Raker nails it sometimes, and Sherm with that wit, funny stuff. I think we should hire the Cap’n, he seems to know everything about baseball. That JSwan character is a Lizzie gatherer, he is like Rizzo verse Reds pitching, dropping in for Lizzie’s whenever anyone sets him up. Those dudes are funny and seem to know their Cubs baseball. I wouldn’t worry too much, they are fringe, it’s not like they reach 10 million viewers.
    THED: Their following is growing, they have people in Toronto, Vancouver , Indiana all over the continent really. Our brand can take a hit with our intel being compromised.
    MR RICKETS: Yes I see, and the Wilson Avila trade didn’t help. Did Wilson ever get anyone out in Detroit? I haven’t seen him have a shutdown inning yet.
    THED: Wilson. Our metrics let us down on this trade but the ladies do like Avila’s beard.
    MR RICKETS: I gotta go, we will figure out a plan of action on this spy thing later. Mrs Rickets and Donna are here. Oh no, Donna brought her husband. That guy talks with his mouth full and spits food all over, I am not sitting across from him.
    THED: Very well sir, enjoy your beef.

    • Bryzzo1744

      Bwahahahaha. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

    • Jerry in Wisconsin

      Hey Doc, any advise on eclipse viewing? Also do you expect more business after the viewing?

      • Doug S.

        You’ll have to be Jerry in Missouri to see the full deal.

      • Jerry in Wisconsin

        Unfortunately, I will only see about 80% of the full deal, as I will be at work on Monday.

      • Doug S.

        That’s about what we get, though difficult to see through rain clouds.

      • Doc Raker

        Don’t look at the eclipse without the proper eye glasses. I expect that there will be a few knuckle heads who come in after the eclipse with solar retinopathy. The sun will burn a hole in your macula and take a 20/20 eye down to 20/40 FOREVER. The retina doesn’t repair itself. Be careful.

      • cap’n realist

        still not a real doctor

      • Seymour Butts

        …ah, unsolicited cruelty. I love it.

      • Doc Raker

        I play an alfalfa doctor on TV. Alfalfa is very moody, it takes much care.