View From The Bleachers

Talking Cubs Baseball Since 2003

Thursday

30

March 2017

76

COMMENTS

GirlieView (03/30/2017)

Written by , Posted in General

GirlieView Definitions

  • Lizzie = A funny, timely, and/or interesting quote made on the VFTB site by our writers or commenters.
  • Lizard = The best Lizzie.
  • MVL = Most Valuable Lizzie’ers: Those with the most Lizzies in the period under review (usually the past two weeks.)
  • Top 10 of the 2016/2017 Off-Season = The folks with the most aggregate Lizzie points YTD (1 point for every Lizzie, 3 points for every Lizard.)

As you already know, this is all completely subjective and according to my whims.

Lizzies

  • why would Jay or Almora be considered “starters” instead of Baez being considered a starter?
  • Maybe they are are afraid that moving Heyward to CF will affect his offensive production. Oh, wait…
  • We run him out to 2B. Next question.
  • No muss, no fuss – Swanson cuts straight to the chase.
  • You mean Hataskew Fontenanson?
  • Good to see your smiling face again Sherm.
  • You mean triangling.
  • I’ve said this many times, but either no one is listening or no believes me. Whatever the case may be: ZOBRIST IS NO RIGHT FIELDER.
  • I believe that the Maddon is worried that every time Javy is given something he starts swinging for the moon, therefore he wants to keep Javy hungry. I believe just keep him at 2nd, and every time he starts to slump sit him for a couple of days to get his head straight.
  • Arrrg! I fell a spot! Did you not get the Bryan Adams references I posted yesterday?
  • Um…yeah, I think she did.
  • Could be worse, Adam. You could be looking at Seymour’s butt.
  • Nothing compared to a few years ago.. I’d often find myself sandwich between two Johnsons.
  • Does George Carlin ask his audience if ‘they got that last joke’?
  • If George Carlin asks anybody anything, I hope somebody gets it on video. That would truly be breaking news.
  • I’m pulling for Matt Szczur to have a great spring and make the active roster.
  • What does that have to do with Lizzies?
  • Sorry, I went off topic by mistake, responding to Lizzie’s question.
  • I can’t wait to learn more about the crappy music Len listened to during the off season.
  • Did you hear that Lady Gaga is performing @ Wrigley this year?
  • Not yet, but soon I expect to hear about it every half inning.
  • I have only accumulated a couple of Lizzie’s in my VFTB career, but I think I have one of the highest Lizzie:comment ratios. Also known as VFTB On Base Percentage
  • VFTBOBP
  • Eddie Von Acronym
  • I have been asking for a Lizzie/Comment ratio for years. Lizzie can’t be expected to sift through all these garbage comments AND do math, so I get why we’ll never see it.
  • LCP (Lizzie Comment %) is an inexact science, because, by the RULES, it uses WHIM as a decision making factory.
  • I’m happy for you when you get Lizzie’s. I’m happy for Lizzie, too. I’d be happy for Joe or CAPS if it ever happened to them.
  • Every fan base needs a hug at certain points in Spring Training.
  • I can’t believe they let him hold the sandwich
  • is that what it will come down to? Either La Stella or Szczur? La stella is easier to spell, but it does eliminate the hail Szczur jokes.
  • Eddie Von Blanco
  • Eduardo, por favor
  • Jason Marquis is pitching for Team Israel. Isn’t he 54 years old?
  • I admire your optimism about Heyward.
  • I tip my hat to Heyward as an orator. Thank you, forever, for that. But if the patience does wear off, and his offense tanks as it did last year, are the Cubs willing to hang their hat on his defense and speaking skills rather than inserting another run producer into the lineup?
  • It could also be a vision issue. If only there were someone around here we could ask about that….
  • It could also be a mental issue after getting clocked in the face. If only there were someone around here we could ask about that…
  • If only it were heart problems
  • Maybe that’s why he’s growing that huge pillow on his face. I think he’d be a better hitter if he shaved it down. It makes his face sort of off-balance…and who can hit with an off-balance face?
  • I’m having all kinds of trouble giving a shit about spring training.
  • Hey CAPS, how many inches did you get last night?
  • I see what you did there.
  • I look forward to telling my kids someday about how that World Series felt.
  • how much fun would it have been to play “Twisting the night away” for Felix Pie? Right? Or perhaps “Simple Twist of Fate” is a better choice.
  • This is the thing about talking about spring training. There really is nothing baseball related to talk about.
  • I have met Seymour and although he is fixated on male genitalia he isn’t an a-hole either.
  • Dick JOKES… not dicks.
  • You [can] preorder your version of my new book, The VFTB Way, on Amazon also.
  • I bet that book has great vision.
  • Appendix A – CAPS Never Fail World Series Recipes
  • Chapter 1- Shirtless Batch Cooking by CAPS
  • Chapter 2 Great Mulletts and Triangle Shaped Mouths by JSwanson
  • Chapter 3- Dick Jokes…funny or just hilarious.
  • Chapter 4 – The Knuckleheads of VFTB.
  • Chapter 5 – Why Len Kasper sucks, by Doc Raker
  • Chapter 6- Lizzies. Why they mean so much to so many.
  • Chapter 7- Sabermetrics and why they don’t matter nearly as much as you think.
  • Chapter 8 – Safety Sue and why all parks should be insulated with bubble wrap
  • Chapter 9 – The Best of ‘Ask Joe Anything’
  • Chapter 10 – Condiment Fingers
  • Kyle will then be traded for a young cost controlled frontend rotation arm.
  • Evacuate the core. Raker to melt down from Schwarber trade talk. All non-essential personnel, leave the area immediately.
  • Umm…we’re pretty much all non-essential, so…
  • Evacuate!!
  • ITS EVERY MAN-CHILD AND LIZZIE FOR THEMSELVES
  • So…No Dork, No EVW, No Sherm, No Raker. Non-committal Doug , Swan and Obvious. Predictably obsequious CAPS.
  • I’ll side with Seymour on this matter because he used obsequious in a sentence.
  • Digital Milton Bradley just got arrested for taking a frying pan to his wife’s digital head. If flattened out for a second or two and then popped right back into shape. Fred Flintstone was a witness and he and Wilma may need to go into the digital witness software program.
  • Software George Jetson just sold Astro, Jane, And Judy so he and Elroy could pay Sherm and Seymour for the ridiculous Padre tickets after Memorial Day. RumChatas on CAPS at Petco. He has zero kids to put through school and fewer weddings to pay for.
  • Jane was WAY too hot for George anyway.
  • Which is why he made a tidy profit.
  • Dancing with the stars update: Ross danced to an elevator music version of Go Cubs Go in a bedazzled Cubs uniform.
  • I heard that Jon Lester was invited to be on that show, but he said he would only dance with David Ross, so…
  • When the World Baseball Classic means something to Kershaw, Scherzer, Arrietta, Trout, Rizzo, Bryant, Sale, Donaldson, Harper, Syndergaard, Votto, Bumgarner, and Kluber, it will mean something to me. Right now it means that Posey, Stanton, and Adam Jones wanted to escape the daily grind of spring trainining. Nothing more.
  • When the World Baseball Classic means something to Capn Realist, CAPS, Sherm, EVW, Jerry in Wisconsin, Doug S, Seymour, JSwan, Big Toe Joe, Lizzie, Dork, Peter Adams, Adam Peters , all the new writers here at the VFTB and all the memorex writers here at the VFTB it will mean something to me. Right now it is just a distraction from the daily grind of spring training. Nothing more.
  • truth be told, Javy is a guy that needs spring training a lot more than he needs to be playing in the WBC.
  • I won’t spoil my whole food routine as that might turn into it’s own post later in the season but I’m thinking nachos and a few bottles of Yuengling for opening night.
  • You could see him setting up with all his weight on his left leg, and he was wincing like Lizzie weeding through all of CAPS’ comments.
  • I’m just guessing, but I bet it does not take Lizzie all that much time to make a call on a CAPS comment.
  • What is the rule? If any part of the foot is out of the box than he was out. Can a rules Dork look that up for us?
  • the entire foot has to be entirely out of the box. He had plenty of room to spare.
  • Raker called for a Dork.
  • right. A Dork. Not THE Dork. Dork doesn’t have exclusivity to Dorkiness, any more than I can claim rights to the Obvious or Realism. Eddie Von Semantics.
  • Eddie Von laughing right now.
  • Every team has celebrity fans, from Steve Perry in San Francisco to Arsenio Hall in Cleveland. Every team has its rich fans, its poor fans, and its middle-class fans. Every team has players with less-than-stellar characters. What separate the Cubs from the pack are the tangible aspects of the ball club, in the players’ athletic skill and the front office’s negotiating and scouting abilities, and the intangible aspects, such as the unwavering and loyal fans who watch their team in the greatest ballpark in the world.
    meanwhile, in a battle for worst fucking hitter ever…Miggy Monter0-fer is leading Jason Overpaidward .114 to .140
  • My daughter gets married today!! Happy Day to all my VFTB buds.
  • Eddie Von Father-of-the-Bride
  • Tony Campana’s career went to poop after he missed the boat with Katie.
  • Raker boyfriend sighting
  • Throw your man bra at him for me
  • Len’s in Vegas?
  • I don’t think Len plays an instrument (leave it alone, Seymour) From what I gather, he’s a singer.
  • What a problem to have … too many good players, not enough roster spots.
  • It’s unlikely that the Cubs move Szczur before Opening Day, so not to give him away via waivers, I think he’ll end up on the roster with Tommy La Stella heading to Triple-A Iowa (sorry, not sorry).
  • Cashman Field was great.. think kswanson and I are too old for the rest of Vegas.
  • I lean toward the side that would prefer that Schwarber get comfortable at one position.
  • My take is that if he wasn’t Tim Tebow, he wouldn’t get an opportunity at all and even if he did, there would obviously be no attention his way.
  • Is Tebow still a virgin? Cause I am starting to worry about him.

Lizard

  • There’s a lot more to this story, of course, but suffice to say I was wearing my Lester jersey when Michael Martinez hit that grounder to Kris Bryant and my eleven year old son and I both leapt to our feet in front of the TV, and then jumped up and down together until we fell down on the floor.

Shout Outs

  • Big shout out to Colin Kruse for his first 2016/2017 Off-Season Lizzies!!!! (And actually, his last, LOL. The count rolls over to In Season next time around!) Thanks for being here Colin!

MVL

  • Congratulations to Sherm, cap’n realist, and (tied) Doc Raker, Eddie von White, and jswanson, our Most Valuable Lizzie-ers this time around! Thank you all for everything you contribute here!

Final Standings – 2016/2017 Off-Season

(one point for each Lizzie, three points for the Lizard) – Next time, we’ll start a blank standings sheet for (yay!) 2017 In-Season!

1. Sherm
2. Doc Raker
3. Eddie von White
4. jswanson
5. cap’n realist
6. Doug S
7. Adam Peters
8. Seymour
9. Brad Lyerla
10. Kyle
11. Dork
12. Jerry in Wisconsin
13. Buddy
14. Joe Aiello
15. Jim Cogdal
16. Chris Martin
16. Doug Saye
18. Noah
19. Caps
19. Junior von White
19. Mark from Toronto
19. Michael Stevens
19. Ryan Huff
19. Sam Kraft
19. Trevor Macek
26. Bruce Fritz
26. Ian Hansen
26. Josh Cornwall
29. Colin Kruse
29. Elijah Knepper
29. Gkarf
29. SouthCarolinaCubFan1991
29. Tom Birch

Chit Chat

  • Well! That was a whole lot! So I’ll leave it at that. Thanks for a GREAT off-season, everyone. It really wasn’t nearly as boring/morose/dead around here as it was during prior off-seasons and that’s completely due to all of you. And a little bit due to the Cubs winning the World Series. (Never, ever gets old.) Here’s to a great 2017 season!
  • Eddie Von White

    That was a fun read. Oh yeah, I almost forgot – at the wedding reception, after the bride and groom danced, the next song my daughter chose was “Go Cubs Go.”

    • Doug S.

      Way cool!!!

    • Bryzzo1744

      Awesome!

  • Jerry in Wisconsin

    Yeah! I made it into the dirty dozen right behind Dork. Which is infinitely better than being right behind Seymour.

  • Ben

    Damn Lizzie went ham on the Lizzie’s this time around lol

    • Jerry in Wisconsin

      We all have to be careful when it comes time to cut the pork.

      • cap’n realist

        I think this was 2 or 3 weeks worth of pork…and we’re bored to death with spring training, so not much need to talk about.

  • Whoa.. great work everybody!

  • Adam Peters

    My first Lizard! YES!!!!!!

    • Eddie Von White

      Congrats – The best accomplishment right behind the Cubs winning the World Series.

    • Doc Raker

      Celebrate! Red Breast 15 on CAPS!

  • cap’n realist

    Ordering up some custom Lizzie #1-THE GLOBETROTTER, Lizzie #2-FIRE LEN, Lizzie #5-SABERMETRICS SUCK and Lizzie #8-FREE JARED t-shirts for San Diego. If CAPS was coming, I’d have gotten him ‘made the Lizzie top 20-THIS T SHIRT TO REMAIN WORN AT ALL TIMES’. We’ll miss you CAPS. Maybe.

    • NUMBER ONE OPTOMETRIST IN ORANGE COUNTY

      • cap’n realist

        Actually, Long Beach is LA County. Love, Cap’n Rand McNally

      • Bryzzo1744

        In Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet, and hamburgers eat people!

      • Doug S.

        You forgot the Von

    • Dork

      It must not take too much to get to #11 because I was in and out during the offseason. Now that the season is starting I will try to hang around more. Whoo hoo the season is starting!

  • Dork

    I missed all of the Dork comments when they occurred, but for the record I never claimed exclusivity on dorkiness, the world needs more dorks.

    • Bryzzo1744

      I’m going to do something Dorky this year with baseball spreadsheets

      • cap’n realist

        I’m guessing you’ll do quite a few dorky things.

      • Bryzzo1744

        I already did with OSU football

      • Doug S.

        Yeah – go for it CAPS.
        Each year I had more columns of useless game information to my spreadsheet. Started doing this in 2008, the year after I found this site. Thanks for turning me into a bigger geek, guys.

      • Bryzzo1744

        I just finished my OSU research. That’s what I was asking about last week with totaling excel numbers. I went through game logs to find how many push-ups Brutus has done since I became a fan in 2001. 208 games, 25,045 push-ups. With the Cubs I’m going to do 10 push-ups for every run they score.

      • Doc Raker

        CAPS Von Dorkness

      • Seymour Butts

        Knock yourself out.
        And I mean that literally.

      • Dork

        Baseball and Spreadsheets go together!

    • Eddie Von White

      But you are exclusively our dork.

  • Doc Raker

    Silver, behind the perennial Lizzie leader the great one Sherm and just in front of Eddie Von Bronze. Sherm is like Michael Phelps with all these Lizzie Gold Medals.

    Lot’s of great Lizzies gang. Off to the real season.

    Can we get someone to keep track of the prosaic comments? Anyone? Anyone? Ferris?

    • Jerry in Wisconsin

      Is Eddie Bronze from the beach or just because of being #3? And the obvious question is where does that leave Jswan?

      • Doc Raker

        Everyone else gets a participation medal, pat yourselves on the back and grab a snack bar ticket.

  • Joe Aiello

    I’m always amazed at the time Lizzie puts in to engage you morons and the creativity you all have in making me laugh.

    • Doug S.

      Slobs yesterday, morons today. I call that improvement.

      • Seymour Butts

        You can take a fire hose to a slob and clean him up. Do that to a moron and you just get a soaking wet dumb kid.

      • Sherm

        And he means that literally

    • cap’n realist

      Sometimes I feel bad for the new people that come here and read the comments…they must really get confused in that there’s so many inside jokes from those of us that have been here for 8-10 years. We should really have a reference page of vernacular and inside jokes just to newbies can catch up.

      • Kyle

        NO KIDDING! So many inside jokes. But that makes it fun. I came on last year, and feel like I’ve caught up on some of the vernacular, but i’m not even close to catching all of the references. I still don’t know who Caps and/or Cap’n Obvious are. I’m assuming you’re one of them?

      • Bryzzo1744

        I’m CAPS.

      • Yes, CAPS is called CAPS because he changes his user name all the time and it’s usually some collection of capital letters that no one understands except him (not this time, he’s Bryzzo1744 right now.) So we’ve been calling him Caps for years. cap’n realist used to be cap’n obvious but then hotels.com stole his name so he switched.

      • Doug S.

        So, where are you on the Adam Dunn non-signing?

      • Kyle

        Somewhere between “I couldn’t care less” and “Infuriated that we didn’t sign a ‘Can’t Miss’ (unless he’s swinging) talent”

      • Doc Raker

        I believe JSwan gave CAPS his name.

      • true story

      • Bryzzo1744

        My original name when I found this blog in 2009 was Terrelle Pryor 2

      • cap’n realist

        I used to be cap’n obvious, but then hotels.com put some douche on a commercial and violated my copywright. Caps is now Bryzzo1744. He changes names more than he changes underwear.

      • Jerry in Wisconsin

        TMI

      • Eddie Von White

        Which is another area even Seymour won’t visit.

      • Eddie Von White

        Hello. My name is Eddie. My friends call me EVW. I’ve been here since 2012. I am a VFTB addict.

      • Oh this is such a great idea!! I’m all over it!

      • Joe Aiello

        We can post it on the site as a saved page for newbies

    • The fact that you all make me laugh is the only reason I do it!!!

  • Adam Peters

    Opening Day Lineup released:
    Lester, Arrieta, Lackey, Anderson, Hendricks, Davis, Rondon, Uehara, Edwards, Jr., Strop, Grimm, Montgomery, Schwarber, Bryant, Rizzo, Zobrist, Russell, Heyward, Contreras, Almora, Jr., Jay, Baez, Szczur, LaStella, Montero.

    • Not much in the way of surprises there, huh?

      • Adam Peters

        Yeah, not so much. I actually think the bullpen looks pretty good. You know, if the good versions of Davis, Rondon, Uehara, and Strop all show up.

      • Hm. That seems like a lot to ask. Maybe 3 of 4. Lol.

      • Buddy

        Wouldn’t be surprised to see Eddie Butler in the pen sooner rather than later.

      • Eddie Von Butler, please. He looked pretty solid in Vegas.

      • Jerry in Wisconsin

        You had a butler in Vegas, How much money did you win?

      • The only real gambling we did was that some sort of anti-hangover stuff would work. Sure didn’t.

      • Eddie Von White

        I wonder what Len thinks about this?

    • Doc Raker

      We are going to hit 25 people in the line up?

      • Eddie Von White

        MLB has adopted Church league softball rules: everybody gets to bat whether they play the field or not.

  • Doc Raker

    For the newbies: I got my name from Sherm at Cubs fantasy camp in 2007. I met Sherm and Seymour there. Prior to going to camp I wrote in to the Cubs mail bag and asked Muskrat if the Cubs could use a 43 year old Optometrist that can rake. Seymour saw it and I got razed me about it at camp, but then I raked- admittedly off a pitching machine spitting out cookies with 70 year old accountants in the outfield not covering too much ground as one could imagine. We had a blast and Sherm went with Doc Raker.

    This infuriated Seymour having someone without an M.D. (Optometrist are O.D.’s and below real doctor status) after their name being called Doc and the fun was on.

    • cap’n realist

      Important to note that Muskat actually printed the letter and addressed the fact that the Cubs, as shitty as they were in ’08, did not, in fact, need an Optometrist that could rake off Randy’s machine.

    • Sherm

      In a random and beautiful spin of the universe, I was fortunate enough to be able to go to The Randy Hundley Fantasy Camp (that should get me a discount, right?) back in ’07, as Raker mentions. He and his brother and Seymour were teammates then – and, thankfully, still are. GREAT people. Through them, I was lucky enough to meet their other brother and their OTHER brother (although not blood related) who you know as Cap’n Realist.

      I started a mini blog as a lark after camp as a way for us to stay in touch and share our thoughts. In the ten years, we’ve shared a hell of a lot more than baseball. Solid friendships, tragedies, lows and highs…and oh, by the way, a Cubs World Series Championship. INGO*)

      Joe, who must have been truly scanning the depths of the Internet for bottom feeding talent, found the site and invited me to write for him. I agreed and his readership jumped by 4 that day. (I think it grew by about 50%)

      Some of you I’ve never met, but feel like I’ve known you for years. For me, VFTB is like an awesome little neighborhood bar…where everybody knows your name (sorry, Cheers) and where we can chew the fat, discuss, argue, make up, laugh, carp, complain, congratulate, gloat and just
      e-congregate, at our leisure to our own schedule.

      It’s 2am here and have another day tomorrow, so I’m going to whistle Sweet Georgia Brown and try to get a little sleep.

      *it never gets old

  • Seymour Butts

    My name is a shout out to the great line of book title jokes where. “Under the bleachers” was written by Seymour Butts.

    • Bryzzo1744

      When I first joined I thought you were a Simpsons nut like me and that that was your favorite of Bart’s prank calls to Moe’s

      • Seymour Butts

        I do enjoy the Simpson’s, but you are a unique kind of nut. However, the site would lack a certain something without you.

        By the way, I understand you are skipping San Diego. I bought a ticket for your ass as did Sherm. Better start hawking extended warantees to senior citizens.

      • Bryzzo1744

        I apologize about SD. I really do. But things happened with my family and they’re mad at me, so I can’t go now. I’m going to teach all of them a lesson when this is over.

      • Eddie Von White

        As per Seymour’s: you are a unique kind of nut.

      • Sherm

        You make commitments, you’re supposed to honor them. That’s adult life. Maybe you ought to listen to your parents instead of always fighting with them. Sometimes? Parents know stuff.

      • Bryzzo1744

        My parents don’t get it and they never will. They were never happy with me no matter how good I did in school. After I lost my jobs at Allstate and Liberty Mutual my parents were like you need to get out of insurance and take accounting classes. And they were not happy with my job hopping. Once I got my job at Hanover I purposely didn’t talk to them for a year and the way they responded affirmed my reason why. I told my dad this is exactly why I didn’t call for a year.

        But enough of that. I might have found a way to get to San Diego after all without staying with my family. I can get flight hotel and rental car for under $900. I’m not going to get the time off approved for D.C. and my backup plan of Cooperstown will cost just as much.

      • Sherm

        I’m a parent, so believe me when I say that they probably feel you never get them and never will. Kids think they deserve respect. Respect is earned. Parents have already earned it by the time you are old enough to know what it means. Kids? Only time will tell.

        Don’t know your situation. Don’t care. It is what it is, but it sounds to me as if your attitude mirrors theirs, and how is that any better? That’s rhetorical. Please don’t answer (see: don’t care.)

        Re: the tickets. I’m pretty sure I’ve already off-loaded my extra ticket, and cannot speak for the other two guys, but you need to check with them, or the only think we’ll have in common at those games is that you are in the same stadium.

    • cap’n realist

      I have that book. “The Yellow River” by I.P Daley and “12 Miles to the Outhouse” by Willie Makit are two of my favorites.

      • Eddie Von White

        Please forgive me: Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. Smell mop who?

        Is it Sunday yet? Please say yes.

      • cap’n realist

        The Eddie Von Rickles monacher has hereby been stripped until you come up with something to compensate for that one.

      • Eddie Von White

        I asked for forgiveness. Does that count?